Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Genuine attempt to understand misunderstood as discomfort

Page 3 of 4 [ 50 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2019, 10:51 am

You would be in the clear legally. You haven’t even met her.



Teach51
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,808
Location: Where angels do not fear to tread.

27 Dec 2019, 11:03 am

I have a few things that are making me feel that this girl may be mentally unstable. To my knowledge most Romanian jews are Ashkenazi and white. Jewish people who offer up a baby for adoption usually express the desire for the baby to be adopted by a jewish family.

Many dark skinned Romanians are actually gypsies, or Romany. Many go into the adoption system.
It's possible she is lying in order to find a common denominator. It is also possibIe that she is mentally ill. I wouldn't pursue this relationship any further and you haven't done anything to warrant any legal action on her part.


_________________
My best will just have to be good enough.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

27 Dec 2019, 11:05 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
I would find out on what basis her parents claim she has an intellectual disability. Do you think she might have meant mental/emotional instead?


I don't know who her adoptive parents are. I guess I could ask her for their contact information but I am sure it would freak her out and I don't think she would give it to me since we barely know each other.

In any case, when I ask her directly about it on the phone she is white open and even overly sharing, but it doesn't seem like she understands my exact questions since she just starts talking in general about the topic without addressing the exact thing I asked.

As far as whether it's mood or intellectual, she said it's both. At some point she used the word "slow" which points to intellectual and she also said she has mood/anxiety issues as well. What confuses me is that she told me that her being "slow" was one of the reasons her parents tried to hospitalized her. But her IQ is 80-90 which is above the 70-threshold that's why it's confusing.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Even if she was “vulnerable” which she probably isn’t (although it might depend on the severity of her mental problems), you aren’t using her for money or sex, so there’s no way you could be in danger on that basis.


So are you saying that in case of vulnerable adults the law isn't as strict as it is with minors? With minors I can't date them, period, but with vulnerable adults I can still date them as long as I am not using them?



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2019, 11:06 am

It seems as if Teach is right.



TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,607
Location: Hell

27 Dec 2019, 11:09 am

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I would find out on what basis her parents claim she has an intellectual disability. Do you think she might have meant mental/emotional instead?


I don't know who her adoptive parents are. I guess I could ask her for their contact information but I am sure it would freak her out and I don't think she would give it to me since we barely know each other.

In any case, when I ask her directly about it on the phone she is white open and even overly sharing, but it doesn't seem like she understands my exact questions since she just starts talking in general about the topic without addressing the exact thing I asked.

As far as whether it's mood or intellectual, she said it's both. At some point she used the word "slow" which points to intellectual and she also said she has mood/anxiety issues as well. What confuses me is that she told me that her being "slow" was one of the reasons her parents tried to hospitalized her. But her IQ is 80-90 which is above the 70-threshold that's why it's confusing.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Even if she was “vulnerable” which she probably isn’t (although it might depend on the severity of her mental problems), you aren’t using her for money or sex, so there’s no way you could be in danger on that basis.


So are you saying that in case of vulnerable adults the law isn't as strict as it is with minors? With minors I can't date them, period, but with vulnerable adults I can still date them as long as I am not using them?


Why would you want to date her?


_________________
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. – Satan and TwilightPrincess


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2019, 11:16 am

It hasn’t been established that this person is “vulnerable.”

You don’t want to date her for various reasons.

Maybe you should move on.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

27 Dec 2019, 11:21 am

Teach51 wrote:
To my knowledge most Romanian jews are Ashkenazi and white.


She told me she is Sephardic.

And yes it is surprising. I never been to Romania, but in Russia most Jews are ashkinazi so I would assume the sane is true for Romania.

Teach51 wrote:
Many dark skinned Romanians are actually gypsies, or Romany. Many go into the adoption system.


After I found out she was brown, I asked her "so, before you found out you were Sephardic Jew, what ethnicity did you think made you brown". And she told me that her parents lied to her that she was Gypsy, but she insisted it was a lie. She said everybody in her adopted family knew she was Jewish but they hid it from her because they were anti-Semitic, but then in the sinagoge she somehow found a record of Romanian Sephardic Jew that was adopted.

Teach wrote:
It's possible she is lying in order to find a common denominator.


But the thing is that her profile says she is Messianic -- and she wouldn't alter her profile just to attract one person if there are so many others she can attract.

Also, if she was lying in order to attract me, she wouldn't be telling me all those other things that I am currently worried about.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

27 Dec 2019, 11:29 am

Twilightprincess wrote:
QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I would find out on what basis her parents claim she has an intellectual disability. Do you think she might have meant mental/emotional instead?


I don't know who her adoptive parents are. I guess I could ask her for their contact information but I am sure it would freak her out and I don't think she would give it to me since we barely know each other.

In any case, when I ask her directly about it on the phone she is white open and even overly sharing, but it doesn't seem like she understands my exact questions since she just starts talking in general about the topic without addressing the exact thing I asked.

As far as whether it's mood or intellectual, she said it's both. At some point she used the word "slow" which points to intellectual and she also said she has mood/anxiety issues as well. What confuses me is that she told me that her being "slow" was one of the reasons her parents tried to hospitalized her. But her IQ is 80-90 which is above the 70-threshold that's why it's confusing.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Even if she was “vulnerable” which she probably isn’t (although it might depend on the severity of her mental problems), you aren’t using her for money or sex, so there’s no way you could be in danger on that basis.


So are you saying that in case of vulnerable adults the law isn't as strict as it is with minors? With minors I can't date them, period, but with vulnerable adults I can still date them as long as I am not using them?


Why would you want to date her?


The guilt that I led her on would be one reason. I had a lot of experience being rejected but not so much being the one to reject and I remember cases from the past when I didn't have guts to say I wasn't interested and also a couple of times when I said it but then came back to them out of pity.

Or the other thing that might make me pursue her is pride. For example if she tells me "see, I was right when I wanted to reject you earlier" I would want to argue. Or if she says "I should have known I shouldn't pursue an aspie" this would make me argue even harder.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2019, 11:31 am

Never date a person out of pity. It would be bad for the both of you.



TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,607
Location: Hell

27 Dec 2019, 11:34 am

QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
QFT wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I would find out on what basis her parents claim she has an intellectual disability. Do you think she might have meant mental/emotional instead?


I don't know who her adoptive parents are. I guess I could ask her for their contact information but I am sure it would freak her out and I don't think she would give it to me since we barely know each other.

In any case, when I ask her directly about it on the phone she is white open and even overly sharing, but it doesn't seem like she understands my exact questions since she just starts talking in general about the topic without addressing the exact thing I asked.

As far as whether it's mood or intellectual, she said it's both. At some point she used the word "slow" which points to intellectual and she also said she has mood/anxiety issues as well. What confuses me is that she told me that her being "slow" was one of the reasons her parents tried to hospitalized her. But her IQ is 80-90 which is above the 70-threshold that's why it's confusing.

Twilightprincess wrote:
Even if she was “vulnerable” which she probably isn’t (although it might depend on the severity of her mental problems), you aren’t using her for money or sex, so there’s no way you could be in danger on that basis.


So are you saying that in case of vulnerable adults the law isn't as strict as it is with minors? With minors I can't date them, period, but with vulnerable adults I can still date them as long as I am not using them?


Why would you want to date her?


The guilt that I led her on would be one reason. I had a lot of experience being rejected but not so much being the one to reject and I remember cases from the past when I didn't have guts to say I wasn't interested and also a couple of times when I said it but then came back to them out of pity.

Or the other thing that might make me pursue her is pride. For example if she tells me "see, I was right when I wanted to reject you earlier" I would want to argue. Or if she says "I should have known I shouldn't pursue an aspie" this would make me argue even harder.


Both of those reasons are really bad.

Don’t date someone because you pity her (God, I’ve been there!) or because you want to say: “See, I told you so!” - in such a scenario, no one wins.


_________________
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. – Satan and TwilightPrincess


Luhluhluh
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Dec 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 755

27 Dec 2019, 12:03 pm

Sue you for what?


_________________
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

27 Dec 2019, 12:07 pm

Luhluhluh wrote:
Sue you for what?


For trying to date a "vulnerable adult". That's why I kept asking whether or not she falls into that category.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

27 Dec 2019, 12:10 pm

There’s no such thing.



QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

27 Dec 2019, 12:13 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
There’s no such thing.


But that legal term exists and if you Google it, it gives a legal definition.

Of course the issue is that I don't see how I can objectively evaluate someone in those terms, hence the difficulty.



TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,607
Location: Hell

27 Dec 2019, 12:19 pm

You can’t get in trouble just for talking to someone.


_________________
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. – Satan and TwilightPrincess


QFT
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Jun 2019
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,456

27 Dec 2019, 12:21 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
You can’t get in trouble just for talking to someone.


I am worried about an insinuation that I want to date her -- which is more than just talking.