Communicating With My Aspie Guy

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is so bloody hard . After a separation of a month, both being totally miserable, we are back together again. I keep misinterpreting his behaviour and thinking that he is abusive and then suddenly I see that it's a kind of unfiltered verbal release of experiences and emotions that completely knock me out of sync.

After three and a half years I am just beginning to see the first sparks of true intimacy and affection. The fact that he tries to modify what upsets me and explain the things that he has no control of means a great deal.
When he has been painfully blunt and reactive, and I thought this was due to a hard heart, he looks at me honestly and says" I'm just autistic."
My strongly emotional character makes it hard for us to communicate verbally at times, but the bond we have is so strong. I finally believe that though he has a serious problem keeping boundaries, he is a really good person. We laughed so much today. We had so much fun.

His autism and my ADD and CPTSD have made us suspicious of each other, afraid to be authentic and vulnerable, both having so much pain in our past. Does the secret to loving someone lay in throwing out all preconception of what a relationship should be, total acceptance of the fundamental differences?
I don't know.
All I know is that I feel a strong bond with him, and f..k yes it totally feels like he is from a different planet but it seems to be a more transparent and authentic one.

How do two people so diverse keep hurting each other inadvertantly and still sustain the bond? It is enigmatic to me, exhilarating, frustrating, passionate beyond belief and exhausting. Being able to go way out of my comfort zone, trying to understand that just a walk in the cold air to come from his car makes him grumpy and overwhelmed, that it's a physiological reaction, not a rejection of me is so so hard. I long for affection, affirmation, softness. I have to open my mind to new ways of thinking and expressing feelings. I have to ask so many questions, and I can do it because I feel his core, so absolutely masculine in essence, I am so drawn to him, and we both fumble through this murky verbal communication until our next fight. What makes someone keep trying?

I think relationships are messy. It can be really hard to know when to throw in the towel and when to keep trying.

I guess you both need to recognize each other’s limitations and change your expectations.

My parents have been fighting over the same stuff for decades. At some point, they both should’ve realized that specific behaviors aren’t going to change and that they need to work around them instead of butting heads all the time.

Have you been able to explain how you feel and what you need? He might not know or understand what we would feel was completely obvious. That’s something I see a lot in relationships with people who are on the spectrum. Sometimes we wish that someone would just get it and that we shouldn’t have to explain, but that’s just going to lead to unnecessary spats.

On the other hand, maybe you aren’t going to be able to get what you need in this relationship. He at least needs to be willing to try and to meet you halfway to the best of his ability.

If you don’t mind me asking, how does his “verbal release” manifest itself? I could see how something like that might be very triggering for someone with C-PTSD.

Based on my past traumas, I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone if I felt like I was walking on eggshells and could set him off at any moment.

TwilightP it's not that I walk on eggshells, I misunderstand him. Bingo! You are right in saying that my CPTSD is easily triggered. My therapy is really helping me to be less reactive and to try and understand what my lover is saying. He can be rude involuntarily, like Torrettes. It's laborious for both of us but the safer we feel with each other the less explosive we are.

I assume you and him are in your 20s

Have you explored, in therapy, the possible need for chaos in your life based on your prior history? People who grow up in chaotic and/or abusive households can end up being wired to crave the very things that caused them to be emotionally traumatized in the first place. On the surface, it can seem like you don't want to be in a harsh relationship and on the surface it can seem like you want it to change, but on a deeper level, perhaps you don't.

A person may know aspects of a relationship are bad, or toxic and may continually yearn for it to change but on a deeper level, a subconscious level, they're getting off on it. A perpetual emotional tug of war. Codependency.

Why do we know this? People who grow up with trauma or abuse are often drawn to traumatic and abusive partners to the point that if they happen to meet someone who is actually emotionally healthy and would make a good partner, they're not attracted to them.

My ex-wife's parents where like this. They were emotionally disconnected from each other due to a toxic relationship for decades. My ex's mother b*tched to her daily, multiple times per day about her father and how terrible it was living with him and how she wished he would change. It's clear to me now that in reality, my ex's mother wished SHE herself would change (ie become strong enough and have enough self esteem to leave him) but was foisting the blame onto him and was too weak to change herself. It's also clear to me now that as much as she may have wanted him to change, she was dependent on the toxicity, addicted to it.

The example of my ex's parents isn't like your situation, Teach, since you are desirous of your relationship. However, maybe some of the things I've said here could strike a chord with you?

Truth is I am programmed a certain way because of my developing years and it seems to be my default regarding relationships. Can't seem to love men that are overwhelmingly nice. Maybe if both my aspie and I have serious attachment difficulties but nevertheless find comfort in each other and enjoy each other that's as good as it gets? I am totally beyond repair in that regard.. Magna is very smart. It is the way I have been conditioned to respond to men. I'm a very strong woman but need a dominant guy.

How well do you think he understands your individual needs as far as having C-PTSD?

Maybe you could encourage him to read a book on the subject (or others of a similar bent) to help him understand you better. He might then “get” it from an intellectual standpoint.

It's not going well. My friend is incapable of being accountable for anything inappropriate, he never admits he is wrong and his blunt, insensitive responses have completely diminished my affection for him. I tried my best and probably too hard. My CPTSD therapy is teaching me to identify my boundaries and recognise when I feel uncomfortable.
I thought his arrogant behaviour was due to his defense mechanisms, now I think it's possible he's just totally self-centred and oblivious of, and uninterested in knowing how I feel.

Moving on. Feeling......liberated? Making too many allowances for his "aspieness" is not the solution, it takes two or it's a non-starter.

I'm feeling okay, it's a new experience for me making a healthy place for myself in relationships. I would say it really is about time.

Sorry to hear that isn't working out. Some of that behavior sounds like it could be narcissistic. Has he been diagnosed Aspie? He could have a combination of ASD and NPD. Guess it's moot at this point. Good luck!

Yes he's diagnosed. I don't know if he is NPD but the cap seems to fit.