not date rape but date abuse

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The downside of that is that every woman who wanted to "wait" usually had little to no interest in me and just wasted my time. I would probably still be a virgin if I stayed and waited with many of the 'slow movers'.

It is really weird to have an in-depth sexual conversation on a first date. It sounds like that’s all he was looking for which is why he ghosted her.

On the plus side, at least she didn’t have to waste any more time on him.

She’s probably upset because she feels like he just wanted something sexual out of their interaction when she was hoping for something more. On the bright side, it’s still better knowing about this now than later on down the road, especially seeing as how the sexual talk made her uncomfortable.

Maybe when she works through her feelings, she’ll wish that she would’ve rejected him instead of vice versa.

What is it with this compulsive need to blame him and keep her without responsibility?

So he talked about mildly freaky sex stuff on the first date. So what? I'm pretty sure I talked about mildly freaky sex stuff with my ex even before our first date. Granted, we talked online for a month or two before said date happened, but still. Also, it doesn't even seem that she's upset that he talked about sex stuff, just that it was sex stuff that she wasn't into. For all we know, she brought the topic up.

Yet here you all are assigning blame and malicious intent, implying exploitation, abuse and speculating about how he was only after sex and labeling him a "user". And you're getting this from the fact that he didn't stick around long enough for this woman to reject him, as though her being denied the ego-boost of turning him away is a slight against her.

In your minds, is it even possible for a guy to reject a woman without making himself a justified target for character assassination and allegations conjured up out of nothing?

Without knowing the background here it may illustrate the type of compromising that girls are willing to do if they find a male they are comfortable/willing/desire to be with.

Compromise is a trade-off where something about this guy attracted her in the first place and she continues to be attracted and continues to need him.

While his fixation may be repulsive to your sister she may be willing to compromise in order to be with him, not unlike a girl willing to put up with a man who is wife beater because he is also an alpha male or a girl willing to put up with a cheater because he is also filthy rich.

Bingo.  At least ... it makes sense.  I mean, why else would someone complain about how much of a creep he was, only to complain in the next breath that he dumped her?

Go to H E double hockey sticks.

Thank you, Fnord.

Adorable. Care to try again, but with substance this time?

Not long ago, you posted here about a similar occurrence involving your niece. Is the sister you're referring to here the mother of your niece?

I don't have enough information to understand this particular situation, but if someone had very specific sexual preferences/kinks, I'd rather know sooner than later, before I form an attachment to them, the alternative seems much worse to me

The point----is WHEN this conversation occurred. NOT that the person has kinky desires or whatever. Everybody has some sort of "kinky" desire. Everyone I've known, at least.

Would any of you, on a first date, talk about your kinks? Now...be honest!

No way I would but I also don't have any sexual preferences that might be a deal-breaker for most people.

It's still unclear to me if the sister was upset by the sex-talk or the fact that the guy didn't want to date her. Or that he didn't want to date her due to different sexual preferences?

Either way, this was not even remotely close to date rape or abuse.

This is an interesting conundrum, particularly for a girl (although could equally apply to a male). Good long term relationships are often preceded by a long courtship or friendship where a couple get to know each other. The mental stimulation from being in each other's company experiencing life before knowing that this is the person you want to have both a monogamous and long term relationship with. What happens then if the sex isn't what one or both expect? I think it's quite possible many couples compromise because love isn't based on sex. Sure, for some people it is important and maybe a deal breaker.

In my view modern living has placed an overemphasis on sex (heck there's an industry that makes money telling people how to improve their sex lives). Part of the problem is sex is easily accessible and there is social pressure for young people to have sex before getting into a monogamous relationship which is completely unnecessary.

The point is that what if you discover your partner who you love has a fetish? so what! if it doesn't harm anyone and you love that person then be mature about it. If it is abusive, however, then it requires a deep heart to heart talk to settle how important it is to the person. If there is an overriding need to have harmful sex (particularly if it's painful for one of the partners) then this is where the conundrum starts. Unfortunately for many unlucky women (and men) they may choose to bear this burden because they don't want to lose their partner. Myself, if the girl doesn't like a bedroom act that is painful then the man really should desist (if he really loves her) and find another outlet for his urge like a hobby.

^
I don't really know what to say, it is indeed complicated. Finding a sexually compatible partner would be ideal of course.

I would really hate the idea that someone would perform a sexual act they dislike (abusive or painful would be just out of the question for me) just to indulge me and I would never ask them to, it feels degrading for both parties and I suspect it would erode someone's feelings and respect both for themselves and their partner.

As long as it not a hack, I see nothing wrong with improving your sex life. Most people do need improvement regarding communicating their needs, understanding their partner's needs or not seeing sex as a marital "obligation". Just in my experience, a good sex life has a good influence on a healthy relationship. It's not by a far stretch the most important aspect, but it can contribute in a positive way.

Intimacy does not require sex. I think people are conditioned to think that to be intimate with your partner that sex is required. Sex is just one way to express your love. Again if one or both partners feel the need to improve their sex lives then by all means. But the decision should be mutual.