Why do people do this if they dislike you?

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One unwritten rule that seems to baffle me is the fact while someone does dislike you, they seem to make plans with you prior to bailing last minute with some excuses versus being upfront and telling you that "I don't think we are a good fit for each other and here is why."

Another thing that I have to question is why someone who dislikes you will act like they are your friend for many years before pulling what I talked about above.

People do this BECAUSE they dislike you. It's called "Playing Head-Games".

I have no idea. I've been in this situation too many times too. I kept believing they actually liked me since if i don't like someone? İ just ignore them instead of bothering to act nice.
I think some people like to act overly friendly with everyone they meet even when they don't know the other person well. And when they find out they don't like the other person they try this method to get rid of them in a two faced manner.
I try to keep my distance from overly friendly, cheerful types because of this. Because you never know when they will drop the act.

Ahh ... I see ... the OP is confusing 'niceness' with 'friendship'.

Just because someone is nice to you does not mean they're your friend.

Because they really DON'T dislike you....

NTS aren't the only ones who play head games like that. I have known plenty of Aspies other NDs who have pulled stunts on me that were similar because they were too embarrassed to tell me the truth and yet they told everyone and their brother behind my back.

Examples:
1. My childhood ex-friend had LD (Learning disability) and got into dating and being popular after she turned 12. We took a 2 and a half year break because she discovered she disliked me and I talked about her before as well. During that reuniting, she was passive-aggressive with me the whole time. A few times she made plans with me and then bailed with excuses or led me around.

2. I thought I made friends three people with intellectual disabilities who were close. A few times, they said yes but then they often bailed with excuses which oddly enough was the same excuse from each.
"So sorry, a family member is in the hospital. I will make it up to you though."

I've never heard of a case where someone who dislikes someone else would be their friend for a long period of time before leaving them in the dust. For me I think there's just something they're put off by once they get to know me more. In a lot of those cases, I still don't understand what that was. An example is a girl I talked to a years back that had slowly faded away from me, even making up an excuse that I don't buy.

CubsBullsBears: Oh yes, there are people who associate with you, and even tell you they are your "Friends" even if they don't like you. Ever heard of "Fake friends."

They will drop hints like
1. They will agree to get together but will not be happy to see you - They won't smile or hug you while they act the opposite with other people
2. They can use backhanded compliments and other hints to insult you
3. They always criticize you for the way you do things which "Bothers them."
4. They are not there for you when you need them
5. They use you for things but show you no gratitude like they do when they ask others a favor
6. They can be competitive with you on different things
7. They don't really want to be at your things even though they try and put on a front

I don't understand people like that

Actually, this has happened To me on a few occasions.

1. In 8th grade, I had a group of friends that I hung out with at school a lot, and I even roomed with them on a class trip to Washington DC. Long story short, I had an emotional breakdown a few hours after we landed. Later that night in the hotel room, I was talking to one of my parents about it and the guys laughed at me and recorded me while I was talking! Also, when we were driving around in the mega bus, they were keeping track of how many times I was going to the bathroom on there. One guy was even shouting it out loud for the entire bus to hear.

The trip was fun at the time and I had good moments with them too, but looking back on those two things makes me question how they really felt about me.

2. In my junior year, there was a girl I had a crush on who all of a sudden, had sent me a friend request on FB, then messaged me. We talked for a couple days and I was CONVINCED she was into me, so I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime. She then told me that she had a bf.

I don't get why people do this either. If you really don't want to do something, don't make plans to do it in the first place. That's what I do. As an introverted autistic with social anxiety, I'm not always up to social obligations, but if I don't think I'm going to be able to manage something, I tell the other person that it isn't going to work. I confess that sometimes I make up excuses because I don't want to have to explain all my issues (I used studying a lot in college), but I never said I was going to do something if I didn't think I would. Once you've told somebody that you're going to do something with them, you do it, unless there really is some kind of emergency.

Because being passive-aggressive and not being straightforward is part of THEIR disorder.

It hasn't actually to do with you except something about you confuses them and brings it out more often, and you don't know how to manouevre around that because u don't expect that from a person anyway (because u have a healthy worldview, you don't expect bad intent automatically). ASD can be a factor, but not the cause in any way, except that without ASD you could pick up on it quicker or

take them just as superficially as they take you (then you'd both get along).

Except Psychologists tend to focus on and pathologize the person who is getting hurt 100 times over the person who causes it (don't care about cause so much as effect).

Ted Bundy is a rare case of the opposite happening, only because his case was SO drastic that even NTs had to admit that the victims deserved more sympathy than the aggressor. In anything less than murder, NTs will play 'devil's advocate' as they have more of that in them (referring to brain scan study re: psychopath, NT and ASD ways of processing).

But the micro-aggressions are coming from the same mindset and sense of entitlement and lack of caring, as Ted Bundy's major aggressions did, just at a much much lesser level.


even if the person who is causing grief of some type is unhealthy mentally or has poor ways of communicating with or coping with someone they don't quite understand-- (and that's why they do it)--and that person also qualities (which can be developed, just like social skills can be) like integrity...
still they are not considered deficient as you who are expecting honesty and that everyone 'plays fair'... If people played the way you would expect, there would be no issue either way.

It's like the UN.

They can weakly speak out if something illegal/wrong/inhumane is happening (at a massive level) but don't really do anything to prevent or stop it,....

esp since often the aggressors actually hold power over the UN and others, according to the UNs own (flawed and illogical) rules.

Meanwhile if something happens to that aggressor, it is taken as if it occurred in a vaccum, as if they didn't actually incite or initiate conflict, etc. Also, no comparison is drawn, i.e. 100000 is not equivalent to 5, but according to UN and general world views, it is. That doesn't mean it's true or right.

I mean, the imbalance of views is not your fault, and in this case, the people doing it are flawed beings and don't really know how to communicate well with you or show integrity, so they chicken out (passive aggressive) or play 'mind games' ... it is not something you can fix, all you can do is stay away from such people once you realize who they are.

blooiejagwa, actually, the one who pulled something like recently was by a close aspie male friend who moved to another part of my city and joined a church and has managed to make lots of friends and get invited to more things. He also has been able to score a few girlfriends out of this group. Ever since then, he has been acting differently with us.

Examples
1. He is has been ghosting me on texts more and more or he just writes short responses and never asked how I am doing
2. Things have become a bit more one-sided where I am the one doing all the texting, calling, inviting,
etc.

He had recently made plans with another good friend of mine, who is also on the spectrum, to go out to lunch with him a few weeks ago on a said date, which was this past weekend. When it boiled right down to it though, he bailed by saying that they could not meet because he needed to meet with his dad. However, my other friend saw him on Facebook at a restaurant with his friends from that church. Busted!

When he was confronted by my other friend, he told him:
"So you saw that huh? That came up at the last minute, I will go see my dad tomorrow." When my friend confronted him for breaking his promise and lying like that it was "I told you, when the church had that group gathering, I had to go. Then so see my dad the next day, and you need to understand that plans change." What?!

Other Aspie's who have bailed on me for things

1. Over 6 years ago, a "Frenemy of mine," who has the tendency to be passive-aggressive, was trying to find a way to drop hints that she had lost her interest in hanging out with me next to having some other problems of her own. Anyway, I learned that she was quite the stinker.

Examples:
A. We had made plans to meet for tea on a few occasions and she bailed twice. The first time, she postponed because she had to work. The second time I called to confirm via voice message. When she called back, she left me a really long voice mail about why she was not home and that she was going to cancel because she had been having a terrible period. What? Funny thing is, she always preached against it when someone did those things to her.

So when I called her out for making the excuse, she apologized but she came up with this fishy dialogue that her husband didn't want us to meet and that he had been complaining about me over petty things I did one year earlier. Stinker!



B. Six months later - She dumped me, it was at a New Year's Brunch that I hosted in which she and her husband showed up. Yet, it was clear they didn't want to be there and she acted like she didn't want to be with me, by not saying a word to anyone and just avoided me. She also acted very stuck up and wore a sour face. They left early with an excuse that her husband "Had a headache" while she also said, "Even though I like this movie..." They ruined my event and hurt my feelings without thinking about it.

I was very upset and confused about why she would suddenly turn cold like that because a week earlier, she had me over for dinner acting like she was my best friend and bought me gifts. Back, I used to cause a scene on Facebook if I was hurt. I wrote a few posts about having parties for people to enjoy themselves and not act like stuck up teenagers, which she claimed later was one the straw that broke the camel's back.

C. We got together one more time after that to try and save the friendship and I apologized but the interactions were very different
1. She used to buy "Tea for two" but this time she bought for herself, and I did likewise
2. The first 30 minutes she didn't say much "Don't worry about the party, my husband felt out of place
3. When she did pep up, I tried to invite her to an event at my synagogue and it was "I will have to check my schedule. After that, I never heard from her again.

Onwards, she did other things
1. I texted her a few times but she ghosted me
2. She declined invitations of my other friends and didn't give a reason why. She just clicked, "No."

I ended up pulling teeth via email and I found out that she didn't think we were such a good fit for each other. What?

Most people are people pleasers. They can't stand the idea of he my disliked or thought less of, so they say and agree to things they either can't or have no interest in doing.

My sex therapist loves working with Aspies because generally we have a routine and a rigid line in the Sand. People pleasing isn't as important as morality or routine