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kjcowan88
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21 Jan 2020, 1:43 pm

Hi, (moderator I read the rules before posting this, but please let me know if anything is wrong to post in here and I'll be glad to edit. This post is just an attempt to see if anyone can relate to me) :idea:
I wanted to see if anyone else got PTSD from giving birth? Here's my story:

I've always known I didn't want kids. I'm high functioning autistic with bipolar and ADHD. My first boyfriend and I never discussed having kids until I fell pregnant at 18 years old with him being 20 and we had been together 7 months. We were really stupid with birth control. I started feeling funny and throwing up. I took a pregnancy test and to my horror it was positive. I called my mom freaking out and she said well, I guess you have to get an abortion. I told my partner and told him I wanted to abort. He's adamantly prolife because of his Jehovah's witness family. He begged me not to. He even got a second job and cried about it. I did it anyways, felt a little guilty after but I knew it was for the best.

I didn't tell him I got the abortion, but it slipped up somehow when a friend of his was talking to me. They said something about men shouldn't try to control women's bodies. I said thanks for supporting me. Oops.

He didn't say much, then walked into our room and cried himself to sleep. He lost one of his jobs as a result (btw at the time, he didn't know about my autism. I told him about it later and he didnt care. He acted like it didn't matter). I thought I was in the clear, but he called me a murderer every time he was mad at me from then on. The next day he got 2 of his aunts to verbally attack me and shame me for what I did. I wasn't expecting it and didn't know what to say.

About 6 months later we were more careful. I didn't break up with him as a result, but damage was done. The condom broke and I got pregnant again. I really wanted to abort again. I should've done it behind his back, but I was stupid enough to tell him again. Somehow the guilt from the last time from him, his aunts and his mom, combined with my hormones and they managed to convince me to keep it. He said he would help.

I was brainwashed into believing I wanted it because hormones. I made pregnancy one of my autistic special interests. I even got a little excited. I nested towards the end because hormones. My scumbag boyfriend wouldn't stop smoking weed, so neither would I. He tried to get me to stop. I told him it was half his fault and it was unfair for him to ask me to stop if he wasn't willing to. He didn't see it that way, so I didn't stop. The kid turned out fine. Apparently moms to be in Jamaica smoke all the time.

When I got to the labor, I didn't want him in the room but my mom convinced me (I'm adopted btw). I wouldn't let him past the shoulders though. The baby pooped inside me, so that meant even more people had to be there. It was seriously a horrible experience, I got an epidural ASAP. My labor was 12 hours. My autistic senses were seriously overwhelmed. Like 20 people in the room, people yelling at me to push, room too hot, feeling humiliated at my loss of dignity and being violated, hoping to God I didn't poop, them touching my vagina without permission treating me like an object, giving me an episiotomy without telling me...awful, just.... Awful. I also kept telling my partner over and over not to look. One of the nurses was really mean and said: stop, he's gonna see it anyways!! In addition, I didn't want to give birth vaginally. I wanted a c section because I think a vagina is for the owner to enjoy and shouldn't be used for a baby and I've always been much more disturbed by vaginal birth than c sections. So I was mortified that I had a baby forced out of there. I feel like I was violated and raped. Then I tried to breastfeed. The baby cried every time I tried to get her to latch so I had to use a milking machine. It made me feel like a cow. I'm a very sexual person and I stopped because it felt wrong, like boobs are inappropriate for babies and feeling cowish. I stopped after 3 weeks.

I was a good mom for about 4 months until the hormones wore off. The dad didn't help at all. I started calling my mom or his mom to come get the baby every morning. It seriously made me hate my life.

I started to realize it horrified me every time I heard about anything pregnancy or childbirth related. I avoided the subject, especially when asked about my experience. I would avoid my kid on her birthday and get drunk because I didn't want to be reminded. I didn't realize until recently that I got severe PTSD and tokophobia from the experience.

I resented both my husband for that (yes, married him 5 months pregnant just for being pregnant. Got a divorce 2 years later). We signed over custody to our parents when she was 18 months. He really didn't want to even though he never helped. I really wanted to, I was really sick of being asked permission over the phone anything related to the kid. The parents already had her all the time by then. Our house was also nasty because he wouldn't help clean. He claimed doing the laundry and throwing it back on the ground, doing the dishes and cleaning the toilet bowl was cleaning the house. Every time I cleaned he complained about me misplacing stuff so I stopped. Then I didn't want the kid in that environment, just really didn't want to parent either. The guy did have a brain hemorrhage when he was younger though, so that could maybe explain his behavior.

I don't hate my daughter and I still talk to her. Long story short, I live on the west coast and she lives on the east. I plan on visiting soon. I came here for Medicaid, liberal government, legal weed etc. I'm working a delivery job with instacart and I'm trying to get on disability. So even though I'm technically a mom, I'm living child free. I'm seeing a therapist for my PTSD caused by the pregnancy and birth. I didn't even realize I had it until recently. Now every time I see a pregnant woman or think about my experience, I go into fight or flight mode. I have nightmares about it constantly. I don't think it will ever stop. I think my autism made me more vulnerable to that.
Now, I have a wonderful man who also has autism and everything else I have. He's also on board with no kids, he knows about my experience. He's like the male version of me. I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I had another misogynistic partner before him for 5 years. This guy is a true gentleman though and I'm thrilled.

It's been 11 years since I had her. I love her though despite all this. She knows about my autism and everything and forgives me. She also knows about the trauma it caused and feels bad but I told her it wasn't her fault. Ive asked her to please call me by my name and my mom was mad at me for that and it upset her... But what about me? I don't like being reminded of the birth. I like to pretend she's my sister instead. I really hate it that I'm a mom. I have a copper IUD and I have an upcoming surgery next month to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm nervous but excited. Can't wait :)! !



SharonB
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21 Jan 2020, 8:47 pm

Sorry it was so difficult.

Warning: trigger. I think I have PTSD from Life, so giving birth was … "fine", which means it wasn't, but I survived and it was better than many and worse than many. I disassociated from a lot of it. For example, I can intellectual say it was fairly horrible when I was being beat in the stomach to loosen the retained placenta and then the dr reached in and tore it out (taking part of my muscle with it), but for some reason it's a detached thought. I fought hard for my pregnancies, so my trauma is sensory and about multiple layers of LOSS during that "journey". I am proud of the births themselves. I am doing EMDR to get over my general life trauma.

Wishing you find peace around the difficulties you had.



redrobin62
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22 Jan 2020, 5:52 pm

Wow. What a detailed - and harrowing - story. About eight years ago, when a counselor at a drug treatment center said I had PTSD, I looked at her like she was crazy. "I was never in the Armed Forces," I reminded her, but she went on to explain it had nothing to do with that and people outside the military can get it. About six months later, I started seeing a psychiatrist who went on to diagnose me with PTSD. Could've fooled me. This diagnosis, as well as Bipolar Disorder I, autism, depression and anxiety, were later confirmed by other psychiatrists. I guess I'm all kinds of crazy. Welcome to WP. I wish you well.



TwilightPrincess
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23 Jan 2020, 3:45 pm

Childbirth can be really traumatic and can certainly cause PTSD. It's something that should be given more attention. In some ways, I think my birthing experience compounded the PTSD I already had. Both my son and I almost died (the moments when I thought I'd lost him were some of the worst in my life), and I was also uncomfortable with feeling so exposed.

During labor, the hospital room felt like a torture chamber.

Then when he was jaundiced and had to be under lights I was devastated that I couldn't be holding him. Those hormones are no joke.

I dealt with a lot the year after I had him, but the birth itself was a trauma in and of itself.


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kjcowan88
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25 Jan 2020, 1:16 pm

All the trauma involved makes me wonder how women are able to go through with repeating the experience. Especially women with conditions like autism. I feel like I'm more susceptible to PTSD because of it. I'm also a hardcore feminist and I honestly think it's really unfair that women have to be pregnant. I have yet another reason not to go through it again. I'm a bodybuilder and I don't want to lose strength and progress. Mothers deserve a lot more respect than they get. I think a man should take care of the baby by himself for 10 months after it's born to show how grateful he is to his wife for enduring torture and trauma. It would make it a lot more fair I think. Then they can split responsibilities evenly after the 10 months. Pregnancy is treated too casually, but it's a risk that the mom may die or suffer permanent trauma/permanent body changes. It shouldn't be treated so casually :(.



SharonB
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25 Jan 2020, 6:42 pm

^^Totally

During my pregnancy losses I picked up a PTSD book for veterans of war and found the book helpful. Pregnancy can have similarities (including social isolation with loss and trauma). Similar to the military, "combat" experiences vary from none to severe. Some women are "drafted" into pregnancy. I chose to enter pregnancy, but was not prepared for the loss of life and life-threatening experiences. My company's previous CEO sent a card to me thanking veteran's for their service (to protect so we can live to an old age). I don't think he sent a card to veteran's thanking me for my service (to procreate, so there's somebody to take care of us in our old age).