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05 Feb 2020, 4:14 pm

Hello,

I don't really know where to start, I'm trying to control a meltdown, and holding the damn mask so I can hide a little bit myself...

My wife (NT) and I, we have very few things in common, I know how she is, I know all or almost all her patterns and I usually feel very good when she is around, although sometimes we look like we (or I) are from a different planet. Since 2 weeks ago, she doesn't do one of those activities that we have in common. She simply says she doesn't feel like it now, I try to understand, but that's all she says.

The truth is that I feel lost and very lonely now. Maybe it sounds childish or exaggerated, I don't know, but I just wanted to share this with you.

I always feel alone, with 0 friends, but at least, she was the closest thing to a friend, but if she doesn't want to do this activity with me, what can I do?

Thanks for stopping to read to me.


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Mountain Goat
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05 Feb 2020, 4:47 pm

I don't know a lot about wives as I have never had one but I sympathize. Hopefully other who have had more experience will reply. :)


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05 Feb 2020, 5:40 pm

It is difficult when a spouse changes direction like that. As autists, we don't like change at all, especially in our close relationships. I'm glad you have posted here. It could be she just wants some space, or has perhaps changed her interest.

Are you looking for hugs and support, or did you also want some advice? That would help us know how to respond better.

(((breaknoise)))


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05 Feb 2020, 6:00 pm

Thank you both for the support. Honestly I just wanted to express myself a little bit, and feel like you guys can understand for what I'm going through. Again, you're an amazing community.


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05 Feb 2020, 6:10 pm

You are welcome. Sorry I could not say much. If it a subject I have experience in I can share my thoughts.


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05 Feb 2020, 6:58 pm

Sorry to hear that you're wanting to connect with your wife through mutual interests, but that it's just not happening at the moment. There could be a number of reasons for this. Part of being married/in a relationship is sharing your life with someone, though it's always good to have time to yourself as well, along with time to your own hobbies etc. It could be that she's just needing more space to herself due to work or family/friendship demands. She might need a bit of a change from the usual things just for a bit, so she can recharge her batteries so to speak. So, it could be just a matter of giving her what she needs, time and space. Meanwhile, using the time to work on your own hobbies, and maybe even thinking of some other things you and your wife could do, places you could go, adventures etc for days out in the future, or whatever your interests involve. Best not to pressure her, otherwise she might pull further away from you. Hopefully, with a bit of time, some nice gestures toward each other, giving her spontaneous affection and, reminding her how much she means to you now and then, cooking her a meal from time to time to give her a break, she will want to reinvest time into shared activities. I wonder is she aware that you are likely on the spectrum, though undiagnosed. If she does, and it's a knew realisation, she might just be taking it all in. Sorry you're feeling lonely right now, and I hope you both start to enjoy your time together again before too long. You sound very in tune with her, and I hope she is just as in tune with you(just needing some time for one reason or another... ). Hopefully, she's as committed to you as you are to her in spending precious time together, which is very important as these are the ties that bind...



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05 Feb 2020, 7:22 pm

Juliette wrote:
Sorry to hear that you're wanting to connect with your wife through mutual interests, but that it's just not happening at the moment. There could be a number of reasons for this. Part of being married/in a relationship is sharing your life with someone, though it's always good to have time to yourself as well, along with time to your own hobbies etc. It could be that she's just needing more space to herself due to work or family/friendship demands. She might need a bit of a change from the usual things just for a bit, so she can recharge her batteries so to speak. So, it could be just a matter of giving her what she needs, time and space. Meanwhile, using the time to work on your own hobbies, and maybe even thinking of some other things you and your wife could do, places you could go, adventures etc for days out in the future, or whatever your interests involve. Best not to pressure her, otherwise she might pull further away from you. Hopefully, with a bit of time, some nice gestures toward each other, giving her spontaneous affection and, reminding her how much she means to you now and then, cooking her a meal from time to time to give her a break, she will want to reinvest time into shared activities. I wonder is she aware that you are likely on the spectrum, though undiagnosed. If she does, and it's a knew realisation, she might just be taking it all in. Sorry you're feeling lonely right now, and I hope you both start to enjoy your time together again before too long. You sound very in tune with her, and I hope she is just as in tune with you(just needing some time for one reason or another... ). Hopefully, she's as committed to you as you are to her in spending precious time together, which is very important as these are the ties that bind...


Thanks, I'll try to follow your advice and give her some time to recharge batteries.
As for whether she know about my condition... You know, since I told her when my doctor told me that I might possibly be on the spectrum... She didn't give it much support (she said she always knew I was a little different, weird in my way), but I didn't feel any support from her on this. I've been doing the evaluation on my own, not telling her I was going through it until a few days ago, and I'm still wondering if I want her to go to when I get the feedback. I think it might be a good idea, maybe to understand a little more about me, and maybe feel a little more understood.

Thank you for your advice Juliette


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05 Feb 2020, 7:55 pm

Very welcome. I'm so sorry that you're not feeling supported, especially at a time when you could really do with it. This information, going through the assessment, learning you are on the spectrum, is a big deal. A very big deal, in that it affects you both and how you go through life together from now onwards. Hopefully, with greater understanding. I really hope that you can tell her that it would mean alot to you if she were there(kind of goes without saying that she should be there as this is so important in your lives ...)

You're a team ... you're committed to each other, there for each other through thick and thin hopefully, and though it may take her some time to properly digest it all, and understand what it all means for you both, really hope she comes through for you and that things improve for you. Naturally, it would really help if she does some reading. It's not unusual for there to be some hiccups at this point unfortunately, but if she's loving and caring and all the things you need her to be, then she will read up on the subject and hopefully compromise on certain things you may need accomodating on(eg large gatherings, any number of things that may affect you that you really don't have alot of control over due to neurology). Anyway, behind you both 100% at this very important stage of your lives.



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07 Feb 2020, 5:21 am

The other half of this is what you can do for your wife, to help her feel understood and enjoy mutual activities. Maybe she just needs a minor change, or maybe you need to learn to enjoy something she likes. NTs don't usually have the extra need for self-discovery that Aspies do, but they are still pretty interesting to themselves.



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07 Feb 2020, 7:11 am

Juliette wrote:
This information, going through the assessment, learning you are on the spectrum, is a big deal. A very big deal, in that it affects you both and how you go through life together from now onwards.


Suspect this may be the key.
As far as I can make out most, maybe all, NTs have very elaborately worked out speculative images of how their lives, and the lives of people they care for, are going to be in the future: and they often struggle to cope emotionally when these expectations are thrown into jeopardy or rendered impossible by events outside of their control.

I’ll give a couple of examples of this happening at the extreme (I like observing NT behaviour when confronted with extreme events, helps clarify underlying patterns & tendencies that can be hard to spot in daily mundanity).

About five years ago my cousins husband was knocked off his bicycle by a speeding car: although he survived, and thanks to excellent medical care looks unchanged from the outside, he was severely brain damaged.
His entire character, abilities and way of being have been drastically altered by this: so much so that every aspect of the life they hoped to have is now impossible. My cousin has gone through three years of what is in essence grieving for the man she lost in one sense, but is still there in another. It also massively affected their eldest sons behaviour and school performance in a bad way.
They have come through it and made a new life together, but it was very tough for them.

About a year after that my wife’s father died suddenly & unexpectedly (stroke leading to fatal bleed on the brain).
At first I struggled to comprehend why my wife was so upset by this: I mean yeah, sure, daddy dying is upsetting; but she knew he was mortal already? Surely this is excessive and irrational?
It was only as she started talking about how she had looked forward to him setting up his joinery tools again after retiring from his pastoral duties, working together on projects like they did when she was little, places she wanted to show him, conversations she wanted to have but couldn’t while his mind was full of his parishioners concerns and needs that I realised it wasn’t just the bald fact of his death: it was the obliteration of their whole future relationship she had been lovingly anticipating.

Now: as I said these are extreme examples, but I hope you can see the principle at work.
Your wife may very well have a whole world of hopes and expectations for your shared future which is being called into question by your diagnostic process... it may take her some time (possibly a few years), and a lot of patience, forbearance and kindness on your part to fully re-engage with your relationship.
Our marriage felt very shaky quite a few times for two years after father-in-laws death.



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08 Feb 2020, 7:50 am

What a great insight! Thank you. I have always had trouble identifying the whys of grief in NTs. Now I know a lot more. Thank you!


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08 Feb 2020, 8:01 am

Coolness 8)
Hope it’s of help in practice and you and your wife have many happy years together :D