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Whale_Tuune
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11 Mar 2020, 6:54 pm

I am wondering how open to be about my diagnosis. On the one hand, not disclosing it can lead to people thinking me rude or aloof. Disclosing it can lead to negative stereotypes.

I'm also concerned with dating. Do men in general seem to find you less attractive after learning of your diagnosis?


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Peta
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03 Apr 2020, 8:51 am

I keep away from men so not problem for me



IsabellaLinton
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03 Apr 2020, 9:01 am

I don't go about telling many people, but I can think of two men.

#1: My exboyfriend. We haven't dated in 20 years but we are still friends. I told him in 2018 and let him read my formal report. He didn't know much about what "autism" meant, and quite frankly hasn't shown any initiative to learn. His reaction was like "Oh, well everyone is a bit autistic", and he left it at that. The irony is that he's likely autistic too, but he's not interested in learning enough to see his own patterns.

#2: My current beau. I told him on Date 1. He understands a lot about autism from his line of work. He asked pertinent questions about my sensory issues and social anxiety etc., so he could help to accommodate my needs better. There are still a few "learning curve" moments but so far so good.

Do people find me less attractive after I tell them? I certainly hope not because I'm still the same me.

Likewise, I hope they don't find me "more attractive" in a patronising way.



pepto_bismol
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13 May 2020, 12:12 am

Peta wrote:
I keep away from men so not problem for me

Same. I have a boyfriend but he's very comfortable woth me as I am him. A lot of guys think I'm weird and often intimidating despite me doing nothing to intimidate them. It's whatever tho. Their thoughts, words, and actions aren't worth my time or energy. Would rather avoid.



starkid
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13 May 2020, 12:27 am

Whale_Tuune wrote:
I am wondering how open to be about my diagnosis. On the one hand, not disclosing it can lead to people thinking me rude or aloof. Disclosing it can lead to negative stereotypes.

I like to avoid these two situations by taking a middle option: telling people about my issues (like sensory sensitivity) without telling them the name of any disorder.

Some things I don't bother saying anything about because whether the behavior is rude is a matter of opinion, not a matter of having a disability or not. For example, some people think not saying hello to a stranger you pass on the street is rude, and some people think it's ok. If I think it's ok, it doesn't really matter whether staying silent is just my opinion/preference or staying silent is because I have trouble speaking or am overstimulated by the situation because both of those are acceptable reasons.



Whale_Tuune
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13 May 2020, 1:33 pm

I have a strong tendency to space out and accidentally stare at people, sometimes while smiling or grimacing at something I'm thinking about. People think I'm crazy, rude, inappropriately flirtatious, or worse. And it's difficult to explain across the quad, obviously, so...... Also, what do I explain? "I space out and have issues with eye contact?" It doesn't seem to work...


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Medb
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24 Jul 2020, 9:22 pm

My current boyfriend is supportive. My most recent ex... that's a story for another time. A man worth keeping around will be accepting. It can be a lot for a NT to take in, so I would suggest easing into the conversation by mentioning specific issues you have (loud places make me anxious, I get uncomfortable when I have to make small talk with people etc.) BEFORE telling him your actual diagnosis. That way he is focused on your specific needs instead of getting stuck on the diagnosis itself. If it scares him off then he is trash and it's better you find out sooner rather than later.



RightGalaxy
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02 Sep 2020, 8:47 pm

NEVER disclose.



Joe90
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03 Sep 2020, 5:56 am

I haven't told my boyfriend about my diagnosis. He doesn't know anything about autism, he thinks it is another word for 'dyslexia', so to avoid confusions I just don't want to bother telling him. It's no point in educating him because he'd just pick up on the stereotypes and the 'lack of empathy' s**t scares me the most because most NTs confuse that with psychopathy.

There are reasons as to why I don't like telling people that I have Asperger's, no matter how much I love them. It's got nothing to do with deceiving or anything, it's just something that I feel doesn't have to be revealed to every person that I meet as if it's my middle name or my birthday. It's a deep, dark secret that I'm ashamed about so now that I am functioning independently out in the big wide world I feel like Asperger's is something I feel happy sweeping under the rug.

God job my Asperger's symptoms aren't black and white, so it's not exactly obvious that I have an autism disorder. All people see in me is anxiety and ADHD and uniqueness. So I can get away with not ever disclosing Asperger's.


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PearlsofWisdom
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27 Sep 2020, 6:32 pm

Most men have got balls for brains and need a dictionary if they can read, to spell out what it means.
My accusation is pointed at the general typo and I would prefer a non filtered approach if I knew the honest reasons behind not being a dumping ground for excess baggage and men's cognitive mental relapses if they think they have been the risktaker of abuse for years. We could have all struck lucky with the creator here if the genius has an inventive speech ready, otherwise the next outcry is cue for publishing.



DesertWoman
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28 Sep 2020, 3:43 pm

I've tried all kinds of approaches with guys. I didn't have to worry as much when I was younger, because school kept me busy, and I felt pretty optimistic about the future. No one ever told me I was "disabled," or "bad".

I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 28, but I had my first kiss at 15. I wasn't focused on boys, really. I wanted to date but I figured I had time to find someone I could fall in love with. My parents have been married for almost fifty years. Healthy relationships are about give and take. It's not always easy to live with someone and accept them all the time. But if you have enough things in common, and similar goals, it can work.

I think a lot of men passed up on me when I was younger because I had career problems. I missed out on the exciting dating scene that many people I knew were a part of when I was in my twenties and thirties. People with careers can be independent, take vacations together, and cohabitate. Most people with ASD have employment issues and have to live with their families. I've always been selective with whom I've dated, and careful about STDs. That's important. Don't be overly trusting. If a man only takes you out on Friday nights, and only Friday nights (like my ex-boyfriend did), he's probably married. If he is rude to you, (like another ex-boyfriend I had), it's not worth staying in the relationship. If he's bisexual, don't hang around too long, because those people are really confused. You have enough problems of your own. If he can't commit, (like another one of my exes), it's not good, either.

I'm 45 now and I'm meeting a lot of divorced men. Not every man cares to respect women. Not every man cares to work on himself and many men fail at marriages because they expect perfection from the get-go, and, news flash, no person is perfect. Human beings are individuals and you can't try to customize a person, and expect them to love you back, unconditionally.

I think loyalty is important in a relationship. Respect is important in a relationship. It's important to cherish people you love, because, if you don't, you will be alone.

Just go where life takes you. Do what makes you happy. If you're meant to be single, so be it. If you're meant to get married, so be it. You can't force that stuff on anyone. It comes down to luck, and nothing else.


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Pepe
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28 Sep 2020, 8:30 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
I am wondering how open to be about my diagnosis. On the one hand, not disclosing it can lead to people thinking me rude or aloof. Disclosing it can lead to negative stereotypes.

I'm also concerned with dating. Do men in general seem to find you less attractive after learning of your diagnosis?


Are you asking men to post here?
I'm not sure why you are posting in the "Woman's discussion" thread.
I generally try not to post in here.

I think, generally, it isn't a great idea to disclose your autism when you are younger because of possible discrimination, socially and in the workplace.

Some people are worried about the influence of their autism has on finding a partner because autism is largely hereditary.
Being on the spectrum usually means a more difficult life.
Some people prefer not to confront that, in regards to children.
The toxic allistic social environment makes things a lot worse.

But it is easier for some autistic women who can blend into society naturally, hence the much lower diagnosing of autistic women.

When you are older, it isn't as much of a concern, imo.
I am happy to tell anyone I am on the spectrum,
but then, I am special. 8)


Edit: I took the post the wrong way.
Please ignore my magnificent post that is too good to delete. 8)


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If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


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Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


kdm1984
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06 Oct 2020, 5:21 pm

My husband loves me the way I am. His opinion didn't change when he learned of my diagnosis.

Other men aren't surprised when they learn of it. They're usually like, "Oh, that explains why you're so systematic and not as social as most other women I know."


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