Funny ways to annoy neurotypicals

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WARNING: only use these if you have little to lose in the situation, i.e. you're not dependent on the other person for something, you just gave your two weeks notice, or, say, there are video cameras around and it's in a public place so there's minimal threat of assault...etc.

Yes, these may sound passive-aggressive and evoke the old expression "cutting one's nose of to spite one's face", but you have to admit...they are pretty funny and we can identify with all of them

1. After someone asks what is likely a rhetorical question, ask "Umm...is that rhetorical? I can't tell."

2. If someone asks if you're ignorant / not all there / have some sort of problem, respond: "no, I just have high standards for things making sense. I don't consider that to be a problem."

3. If you ask someone to clarify something and they still have a nuanced kind of reply to save face or comfort level or what have you, respond "I'm sorry, I don't 'speak Japanese'" (deliberately insert the "air quote" with fingers)

4. In a similar vein to the above, if you have a situation where someone finally "explodes" or lets out with the unvarnished meaning of some situation or why they were doing what they were, then respond with "OK, well we're not in Japan, why didn't you just say [insert direct no-BS meaning] when it was in your best interests to do so?"

5. When someone displays non-verbal signs of being disgruntled / upset / pissed and you've recently interacted with them, say "I noticed lately you seem upset, but...I'm not sure why."

6. If you're ever in a situation where someone reacts with a negative facial expression, study it in a bewildered way as if you're not sure why (do this with a 3rd person present), and when the 3rd person speaks up and says "he/she is reacting that way because [insert the unintended trigger on your part]", then respond with astonishment: "Oh! So THAT'S what that expression meant!! I was wondering what that meant, because I've gotten that reaction before and couldn't figure it out!!" [Again, only use this if you've already alienated those people in some way and you harbour negative feelings towards them ...they're sure to distance themselves from you as if you have the plague or you're a leper, as you'll be seen as irredeemably mentally ill.]

7. Go on random rants to the effect of "You know, the problem with society is that people don't know how to assert themselves - I don't know if it's part of their upbringing, but...most people seem really hesitant, for some weird reason, to clearly express what's bothering them when it's in their best interests to do so. Society would be a lot better off if people would learn more assertive communication." Some flippant individual might retort "no, society would be a lot better off without people like YOU", but you could always parry that with "that doesn't qualify as assertive communication, that's just plain hostile - any reasonable person would agree."

The corollary of all this is when you ask a separate party for advice on a conflict situation involving a perceived bully and the separate party says something dismissive like "well it takes two to tango" or "it's six of one, and half a dozen of the other" - what they seldom have insight into is that in your case, it's more unintentionally upsetting someone (i.e. lack of emotional intelligence), and in their case, it's intentionally upsetting you (i.e. lack of emotional maturity). Either way, nobody wins, no progress is made...which is where the above lines are strictly to be used in a "nothing left to lose" situation where you just wanna get some satisfaction

8. Comment upon the literal meaning of what they say, even though it seems that they may be speaking metaphorically.

HE: "We should grab the bull by the horns."
ME: "Where is the bull whose horns you want me to grab?"
HE: "I meant that we should all pull together."
ME: "Pull what together?"
HE: "Go fly an effing kite, Fnord!"
ME: "In this weather? Besides, I didn't know that kites could 'eff'.""

9. Always point out when their favourite politician is using tricksy vague grammar to give two mutually contradictory impressions simultaneously.
Guaranteed to annoy everyone.

i wear my shirt that says "we will survive because we are already skilled at social distancing".

Another great tactic, if you have a nitpicker on your hands...

Every time they rebuke you for some social etiquette transgression, keep a small pad and pen with you and tell them that you have to write this down and memorize it to make sure you don't repeat the mistake. After a while, you write one down and say, "wow, I'm up to 34, I really got my work cut out for me..." And at some point they might angrily yank the pad from you with a loud "gimme that!! !" And tear it in half, throw it across the room, or throw it out...then you retort with "OK, now I'm confused, I thought you wanted me to absorb this material?!"

Call them neurotypical.

They'll ask what it means and be offended that they're "typical". They won't like to be stereotyped. Then they'll argue that you are neurotypical too because everyone's a little bit autistic and they don't believe you. Then they are stereotyping you.

It's win-win.