Does anyone else find cheating super hard to understand?

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MaxE
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01 Aug 2020, 7:53 am

@bluegreenleaves is this partner the same person you posted about a few months ago, who you weren't sure about? I have seen a pattern on this site in which people post when they have a problem and want advice (although typically they don't offer enough information for anybody to give a useful answer) but if things actually work out well, we never hear about it. If my supposition is correct, would you mind telling us how you and he became a couple?

OK so knowing very little, let me assume for sake of argument that your relationship is the first physical relationship he has been in with a girl. There are a couple of things to keep in mind if this is the case:

1.) This change in his life will affect his basic self-image. He may start getting the impression that other girls are flirting with him, and this will lead him to fantasize about them (both sexually and emotionally, but mostly sexually).
2.) Physical intimacy with you can quickly go from being the most amazing thing he's ever experienced to being routine. You need to do whatever you can to avoid this. For most men, I think it takes a couple of failed relationships to fully appreciate having a female bed mate.

I should caution you that in general, young men primarily appreciate their partner for her role in the physical aspect of the relationship. But young women will think of the relationship mostly in emotional terms, with sex being a way to express those emotions. If the relationship is to be successful, this will change over time, but you have to accept this difference and do your best to play the role in which he sees you. Frequent requests for him to proclaim his feelings for you may stress him out because he may not have sorted those in his own mind, but may feel he has to make a good show of it if he doesn't want to lose you as a sex partner. Enough such stress could lead him to foolishly imagine being with somebody else. In particular, somebody who will "accept him for himself" and not pressure him to pledge undying love, although his odds of finding such a person are probably microscopic.

Keeping all this mind could help you (or somebody else who happens to read this) prevent infidelity or thoughts thereof, if they indeed exist at all (which I sincerely hope is not the case).


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PhosphorusDecree
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01 Aug 2020, 8:53 am

I think it's helpful to distinguish between "flirting with intent" and "social flirting". A lot of flirting is done with zero intent of ever hooking up with the other person- it's just a style of interaction that aims to liven things up in a friendly way. I've known people who flirt pretty much non-stop despite being in stable long-term relationships.


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starkid
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01 Aug 2020, 10:46 am

OP, no I don't find cheating difficult to understand intellectually, but it is something that I cannot personally relate to. I understand what you have said in this thread and find it completely reasonable. It is also a common opinion I think. I agree that emotional affairs are also a kind of cheating.

I've noticed that people tend to be really comfortable with lying and faking, and some people, particularly men (as you can see from the responses in this thread) seem entitled to any kind of relationship with whomever they want without caring about anyone else's feelings.

MaxE wrote:
I should caution you that in general, young men primarily appreciate their partner for her role in the physical aspect of the relationship. But young women will think of the relationship mostly in emotional terms, with sex being a way to express those emotions. If the relationship is to be successful, this will change over time, but you have to accept this difference

No she does not have to accept it. If she can't get what she wants from a relationship, she can and should leave the relationship.
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and do your best to play the role in which he sees you.

Are you out of your mind?? Why should someone play a role instead of being herself? Would you counsel the guy to "play the role"? This is a setup for an unhealthy relationship and mental fatigue. Acting is tiring.

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Frequent requests for him to proclaim his feelings

Nowhere in this thread did OP say anything about wanting anyone to proclaim feelings frequently.

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Keeping all this mind could help you (or somebody else who happens to read this) prevent infidelity or thoughts thereof

You are implying that it could be her fault if her boyfriend cheated on her. Cheating is always the fault of the cheater. No one can force anyone to cheat. If the boyfriend wants any kind of relationship with someone else, all he has to do is breakup with his current girlfriend first. That's not difficult to do.

This is really a disgusting attitude you have, that victims of cheating might be to blame for being cheated on. Something is wrong with you and you need to examine your warped and insensitive ideas.


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MaxE
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01 Aug 2020, 10:52 am

@starkid all I can say is that everything I said is based on experience and I believe it's true. Your experience may be different, but you didn't cite any personal experience, you seem to have just spoken out of a belief system. I am not sorry about anything that I said but the OP is certainly at liberty to dismiss anything I said if she doesn't find it useful.


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starkid
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01 Aug 2020, 1:27 pm

MaxE wrote:
@starkid all I can say is that everything I said is based on experience and I believe it's true.

When you speak about your personal experience, you shouldn't say things like "I should caution you that in general, young men ." That's not personal experience; that's a generalization. Nothing in your original post indicates that you are speaking about your personal experience. You didn't even mention yourself.

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Your experience may be different, but you didn't cite any personal experience, you seem to have just spoken out of a belief system.

The fact that people aren't responsible for others cheating isn't a "belief." It's a fact that a person who is fully free to cheat can and may do so regardless of what his partner does. Nothing except physical restraint can definitely prevent cheating if a person has decided to cheat. My personal experience is irrelevant, and I don't believe that you were originally talking about your personal experience anyhow.

And what sense does it make to accuse me of speaking from a "belief system" after you admitted in the same comment that you were speaking about your own belief?

MaxE wrote:
@starkid all I can say is that everything I said is based on experience and I believe it's true.


I already knew you believed it to be true, that's why I criticized you. You are a horrible person for believing that people who are cheated on are at all responsible for the cheating, you are horrible regardless of what you have experienced, and a belief that involves blaming victims of cheating isn't an "experience" anyways. A belief is something which you choose.


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hurtloam
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01 Aug 2020, 1:58 pm

The personal experience he's talking about is that's how he himself behaved.

This wouldn't be the first unfeeling post he's made about women's role in the bedroom. Very unsavoury.



The_Face_of_Boo
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01 Aug 2020, 2:06 pm

starkid wrote:
You are implying that it could be her fault if her boyfriend cheated on her. Cheating is always the fault of the cheater. No one can force anyone to cheat.


No, society sometimes blames the one who got cheated, especially if the one who got cheated is a man (And without knowing anything about him).

When I got cheated by my ex (not the last ex, bu the one before her); a lot of people, especially women, were like "oh maybe you were neglecting her".

It's extremely common to always blaming it on the man.



MaxE
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01 Aug 2020, 2:23 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The personal experience he's talking about is that's how he himself behaved.

The fact is that I've never cheated. Never.


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hurtloam
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01 Aug 2020, 2:50 pm

MaxE wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
The personal experience he's talking about is that's how he himself behaved.

The fact is that I've never cheated. Never.


Oops. I feel an apology is in order then. Accusing someone of cheating us pretty bad.

I thought you were maybe describing the boredom of youth you remembered, not that you actually did anything about it.

I went out with a guy very briefly who had seemed to crush on me for a while, but after he asked me out he seemed to realise he could get girls! And we had recently made some new female friends, so he dumped me and was all flirty with them. That wasn't cheating, but what you described.



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01 Aug 2020, 3:36 pm

Quote:
would you mind telling us how you and he became a couple?


I wonder this as well (out of curiosity)



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01 Aug 2020, 10:31 pm

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
I think it's helpful to distinguish between "flirting with intent" and "social flirting". A lot of flirting is done with zero intent of ever hooking up with the other person- it's just a style of interaction that aims to liven things up in a friendly way. I've known people who flirt pretty much non-stop despite being in stable long-term relationships.


This. For some people a degree of flirting is built into their social interactions.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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02 Aug 2020, 2:39 am

Flirting with no intent is stupid, in my opinion.



hurtloam
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02 Aug 2020, 4:20 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Flirting with no intent is stupid, in my opinion.


I feel like that too.

I dunno if this is an aspie view because we tend to do things for a reason. I will do X thing because it has the purpose of Y thing.

Whereas NTs instinctually do what makes them feel good.

I think the OP should focus on the many long relationships out there between people who have never cheated. Sure they'll have had a little crush on someone who isn't their partner, it's impossible not to. But I know many people who have had long manogamous relationships and stayed faithful.



TracyLou
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02 Aug 2020, 5:47 am

Yes, but again what is cheating? My husband has Aspergers and is extremely good looking, he gets quite a bit of attention from the ladies, but I don’t know what actually happens when he visits the same supermarket on his own sometimes and there always seem to be a shop assistant who fancies him. I can pick these things quite well and in he always smiles at her, so why does she think he wants more than being friendly.

I find out over time, that he checks them out and he knows which ones fancies him, then he will go to their checkout. Why does he feel the need for this? He does it behind my back, but in front of our children if they are with him. So yesterday I found out that there is this one lady who he has obviously notice that she fancies him. She ignored me and was all over him. So the second time I am with him. I went to go to her checkout, which I have no problems with her, I thought I would chit chat like you do, but before we got served he walked to another checkout, he couldn’t face her in front of me, but he went to her checkout in the past with our children. But all this time he is looking at her and she blushes and smiles. He has an effect on her and he is enjoying it. As no one is at her cashier she gets up and walks past us and stops and looks at my husband waiting for a response, he looks at her and smiles, she walks away, then comes back again standing there, I ask her if she needed anything she goes red again and walks away and sits back at her cashier, still looking at my husband, it was uncomfortable. My husband is enjoying the whole thing. Why does he encourage them? I find it humiliating. Now I don’t want to go back to that supermarket.

What does all this mean, it has happened several times, with other women, when he goes out alone. I find out later that he seems to latch onto the women who fancy him. Then they think he wants a relationship with him.

When we got home I calmly ask him about, he gets annoyed and says he doesn’t know what I am talking about.

I’m never allowed to talk about other women, ever.



auntblabby
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02 Aug 2020, 6:06 am

IMHO people should not treat their partners like that, if it is not working sexually then they should just come clean and break it off, but don't sneak around behind your partners back if for no other reason that it is undignified.



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02 Aug 2020, 1:12 pm

auntblabby wrote:
IMHO people should not treat their partners like that, if it is not working sexually then they should just come clean and break it off, but don't sneak around behind your partners back if for no other reason that it is undignified.


This tends to be my sentiment and well. I don't understand exerting all of the effort required to sneak around. It seems much simpler to either fix the unsatisfactory relationship or end it :shrug: