meltdowns vs outbursts anger/rage

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so my psych team wanted me to get some feedback from some people other than my parents or siblings
they asked could i get some feedback on how i interacted w friends and even mates

* so i asked an ex girlfriend (i am friendly terms w ALL my exes and some are now married)

she gladly offered a letter for my team to review...

however, i was horrified by some of the things she wrote.
some things i do not even remember happening (or barely remember them or to me they were insignificant/not worthy of remembering.
to her they were significant events. these things happened nearly 20 years ago and we are in our mid 50s

i once (or twice) went on a rant abut her siblings (who in my mind seemed dismissive/insulting/not approving of me)
she says i yelled foul words about her sister(s) calling them names i shall not repeat here (but they were bad)
and i NEVER talk that way and was never cruel to my ex in any way..no yelling, arguing or name calling and certainly nothing physical...BUT there were also times she said i would "return to themes" over the years...again ranting about her in-laws who were uni professors that i found to be arrogant and dishonest.
she said she was dismayed because i brought them a lot, even after the guy had divorced her sister 6 yrs prior and i hadn't seen him in over 10 years but i had a "fixation" i could not move away from and again i yelled and ranted w expletives etc

also, i threw a plastic 2 litre bottle across the room and it flew over her head. exploded w soda going all over even on the ceiling and it split a wooden door from the early 19th century

i was surprised when i read all this.
i do remember ranting a bit and i do remember throwing the bottles..

apparently they made a big impression on her as she wrote in her note that these actions led her to believe there was "something awry" with me from very early on.

my "meltdowns" are usually me being very overwhelmed and stressed by environment or too much people/noise interaction or my tolerance being pushed to the limit and i crack. i usually double over, cry, shake or even perspire..

growing up i was MELLOW>..quiet..high strung and uptight/nervous but i did NOT act out.
no tantrums or meltdowns etc

i was very quiet and well behaved,..teacher's pet actually
yet when my limit is reached or i feel insulted or misunderstood i have "blown up"

are meltdowns sometimes "expressed" in rage or anger outbursts like this?

is inappropriate name calling and "over the top" (as my therapist says) language and scenarios often expressed?

i am reviewing my biography notes and histories as reported by others and i always thought i was kind and gentle and some of these letters make me seem like a monster

I am generally genial and easygoing (it goes with being part Jamaican!) UNLESS my will is continually thwarted. Then, especially if I am tired or worn down, I can explode into tirades of sophomoric sadistic sardonics. This shocks me (not to mention their object!), until I think back a loooong time ago to my childhood. My mother was generally nice to people, but did not care for me. She would come home and RAGE at me for hours. I recall wilting under her waves of verbal abuse. I guess when I am really stressed iout or provoked, her rotten example bubbles up from my subconscious to cause trouble.

There are people who have experiences they learn not to share because it creeps people out. For example, the generation before me was the WWII generation and a lot of the combat vets were reluctant to talk at all much less about their experiences. Sometimes they discovered that people were creeped out who did not have a common frame of reference.

One characteristic of a meltdown is like an avalanche. The sudden transition and range of degree is often creepy to people. Emotional intensity can be expressed with intensity of language or even breaking things. I worked for a guy once who was complaining about a peer of mine who got angry. I commented that I got angry as well. He said, "Yeah, but when you get angry, you give a sermon". I suppose my skills in articulation allowed for anger to be channeled in a more effective way, however, it was still an expression of emotional intensity.

I've had maybe five true meltdowns in my life. But when I have them, they're epic. Part of that is I keep a lot bottled up. My meltdowns have led to a near-firing, a suicide threat, a two-month separation from my wife and twice being put on meds.

Never trust an ex.

I had to submit forms as well from others in my life during my autism testing. I was actually too afraid to read them because I didn't want their answers to influence mine and I'm still not ready to read what they had to say.

I had some very angry meltdowns when I was a child. When I as younger I was pushed to do well in school. I would enter information overload and then into a meltdown. My usual good well-behaved demeanor would be replaced with something quite the opposite. Luckily I found constructive ways to avoid meltdowns like this such as exercise, self-talk, and setting boundaries. I find the people who witnessed them have a better memory of them as I was an emotional mess and probably worked hard to forget them.