Is it weird that I feel sad that I can't comfort someone?

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playgroundlover22695
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01 Aug 2020, 6:55 pm

First off I'm sorry for always writing posts about the same thing. I just feel like this is a safe environment to share my feelings. I sort of wrote about this before but not exactly. You see, I saw a very sad post on facebook last night from my former student's mom. It said that their cat died yesterday. This cat meant everything to the child. During distance learning he always showed her off as he was extremely proud of her. Once the shutdown hit, she was literally all he had (besides video games). As soon as I saw this I felt like crying. I was able to hold back until bedtime and then I just sobbed for a while with a box of tissues next to me in bed. My heart sank because I was always there for him for everything during the school year and I just want to help him through this. It's breaking my heart knowing that he's in this much pain and there's nothing I can do to make it better. I didn't even write "sorry for your loss, I know how much she meant to him" because I was worried I'd sound unprofessional. I'm also worried about him emotionally because he once threatened suicide in school because he couldn't solve a math problem and then he tried to suffocate himself because he didn't want to write a paragraph all in one day. Now this, the only thing that ever made him feel better is gone forever, "over the rainbow", as his mom said in her post. I feel bad for having these feelings because it wasn't my cat and the school year's over so why did seeing this affect me so much?
I am somewhat religious. I made my confirmation. I don't go to church usually but I do pray at night. I always say a prayer for this child because I was always taught to pray for those you have concerns or wishes for. I pray simply for his health, safety, and happiness. I pray that God will protect him from bad things and that I may one day be there for him again to help him heal. It seems my prayers weren't answered. Or if they were the answer was "sorry, but this one's a definite nope! Not going to help out here!" Plus, I know this sounds nuts but when I sleep I hold a doll at night for comfort. I had it in my head that I was performing some sort of "positive voodoo" if that makes sense. What I mean is by holding the doll near and dear, stroking it's head gently, and keeping it safe and warm as I prayed for the child, I had this crazy idea that God would keep him safe and warm and happy. I know I'm not supposed to care so much but it's just how it's been since I met him 2 years ago. I feel genuine sadness whenever I know he's upset. I don't feel true happiness unless I know he's happy and safe. :cry:



Redd_Kross
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01 Aug 2020, 7:11 pm

It's an assumption that people with AS don't care about others.

I don't think that's true, we care but struggle to express it, and our timescales for emotional processing can be all different as well.

I find the more someone matters, the harder things get.



funeralxempire
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01 Aug 2020, 7:43 pm

I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.


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playgroundlover22695
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01 Aug 2020, 8:01 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:



funeralxempire
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01 Aug 2020, 8:03 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.


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playgroundlover22695
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01 Aug 2020, 8:07 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.

That's what I mostly do. I go out and try to forget about it. Sometimes I massage my belly and take deep breaths to try and relax my body at home. When the pain is bad, I cry myself to sleep.



SharonB
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01 Aug 2020, 8:28 pm

It's not too late to write "sorry for your loss, I know how much she meant to him". That's professional.

I am either blubbering or a robot. With folks I don't know, or my children in crisis, I mostly do robot, but I have learned to describe what's going on for me, or write it in an email later. A co-worker lost her husband and in person I was a robot; I later wrote an email - brief and compassionate. Another friend it took me a year (and an ASD diagnosis) to explain to her why robot reaction after her medical hardship - I was completely overwhelmed every time I looked at her and thought of it.

Now with my ASD diagnosis, with people I trust I let myself blubber a bit (rather than do robot). My friend was describing her recent medical hardship and I was overwhelmed with emotion at least 2-3 times. It was ok. When I get better at this I will ask: I will regulate my emotions as best I can, but when I can't is blubbering ok or would you prefer robot?

Of course you can't do that in the workplace so much, so emails or notes or cards are completely appropriate! The world needs our empathy (whatever type it is, I can't keep up with all the definitions).



funeralxempire
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01 Aug 2020, 9:52 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.

That's what I mostly do. I go out and try to forget about it. Sometimes I massage my belly and take deep breaths to try and relax my body at home. When the pain is bad, I cry myself to sleep.


*hugs*

That sounds healthier than how I cope.


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playgroundlover22695
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01 Aug 2020, 11:37 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.

That's what I mostly do. I go out and try to forget about it. Sometimes I massage my belly and take deep breaths to try and relax my body at home. When the pain is bad, I cry myself to sleep.


*hugs*

That sounds healthier than how I cope.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope?



funeralxempire
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01 Aug 2020, 11:50 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.

That's what I mostly do. I go out and try to forget about it. Sometimes I massage my belly and take deep breaths to try and relax my body at home. When the pain is bad, I cry myself to sleep.


*hugs*

That sounds healthier than how I cope.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope?


Substance abuse, among methods. 8)


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playgroundlover22695
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02 Aug 2020, 8:30 am

funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.

That's what I mostly do. I go out and try to forget about it. Sometimes I massage my belly and take deep breaths to try and relax my body at home. When the pain is bad, I cry myself to sleep.


*hugs*

That sounds healthier than how I cope.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope?


Substance abuse, among methods. 8)

I probably shouldn't write this on here but I do have another way I cope. At night before bedtime, I squirt some cleaning products into a small amount of water or juice and drink it. I know it's really bad but I've never gotten sick off it and it gives me more energy and makes me feel less stressed. I've been sort of trying to strike up a deal with God. When I get want (safety and happiness for me, my family, and especially the boy), I will stop drinking small amounts of toxins. When God doesn't listen, I drink more. We'll see what happens. :?



funeralxempire
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02 Aug 2020, 11:28 am

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
playgroundlover22695 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
I think it's normal to feel disappointed one can't comfort someone they wish to comfort.

What can I do to feel better. All I want is for the child I thought of like son to be okay. :roll:


If the problem can't be fixed you'll have to distract yourself from it.

That's what I mostly do. I go out and try to forget about it. Sometimes I massage my belly and take deep breaths to try and relax my body at home. When the pain is bad, I cry myself to sleep.


*hugs*

That sounds healthier than how I cope.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope?


Substance abuse, among methods. 8)

I probably shouldn't write this on here but I do have another way I cope. At night before bedtime, I squirt some cleaning products into a small amount of water or juice and drink it. I know it's really bad but I've never gotten sick off it and it gives me more energy and makes me feel less stressed. I've been sort of trying to strike up a deal with God. When I get want (safety and happiness for me, my family, and especially the boy), I will stop drinking small amounts of toxins. When God doesn't listen, I drink more. We'll see what happens. :?


I won't judge, but I'd imagine on the scale of potential harm to benefit that would be an especially low ratio. You seem sweet, if there was a god I'd imagine she'd be persuaded by your charm and concern.


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Pieplup
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02 Aug 2020, 4:53 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
First off I'm sorry for always writing posts about the same thing. I just feel like this is a safe environment to share my feelings. I sort of wrote about this before but not exactly. You see, I saw a very sad post on facebook last night from my former student's mom. It said that their cat died yesterday. This cat meant everything to the child. During distance learning he always showed her off as he was extremely proud of her. Once the shutdown hit, she was literally all he had (besides video games). As soon as I saw this I felt like crying. I was able to hold back until bedtime and then I just sobbed for a while with a box of tissues next to me in bed. My heart sank because I was always there for him for everything during the school year and I just want to help him through this. It's breaking my heart knowing that he's in this much pain and there's nothing I can do to make it better. I didn't even write "sorry for your loss, I know how much she meant to him" because I was worried I'd sound unprofessional. I'm also worried about him emotionally because he once threatened suicide in school because he couldn't solve a math problem and then he tried to suffocate himself because he didn't want to write a paragraph all in one day. Now this, the only thing that ever made him feel better is gone forever, "over the rainbow", as his mom said in her post. I feel bad for having these feelings because it wasn't my cat and the school year's over so why did seeing this affect me so much?
I am somewhat religious. I made my confirmation. I don't go to church usually but I do pray at night. I always say a prayer for this child because I was always taught to pray for those you have concerns or wishes for. I pray simply for his health, safety, and happiness. I pray that God will protect him from bad things and that I may one day be there for him again to help him heal. It seems my prayers weren't answered. Or if they were the answer was "sorry, but this one's a definite nope! Not going to help out here!" Plus, I know this sounds nuts but when I sleep I hold a doll at night for comfort. I had it in my head that I was performing some sort of "positive voodoo" if that makes sense. What I mean is by holding the doll near and dear, stroking it's head gently, and keeping it safe and warm as I prayed for the child, I had this crazy idea that God would keep him safe and warm and happy. I know I'm not supposed to care so much but it's just how it's been since I met him 2 years ago. I feel genuine sadness whenever I know he's upset. I don't feel true happiness unless I know he's happy and safe. :cry:
I can have alottt of empathy for people if I understand what they are feeling, which tbh doesn't happen all that much. I often struggle to express that. I feel sad when someone's clearly distressed but i have no clue how to help them. But it's more of an anxious thing. It cna really set me on edge.


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02 Aug 2020, 11:03 pm

Since it’s not a member of your own family, I think that gives you a broad middle range it’s which it’s just fine to send condolences, say anywhere between 3 and 10 days maybe more.

Something sincere and heartfelt, also something simple and straightforward. Perhaps something like:

‘I send my thoughts and condolences upon hearing your cat went on to the great beyond. I know he was special to you.’

Even that’s probably too poetic, and you can probably do better. I really think this is a case in which simple is good.