Is anyone else here terrified of other women?

Page 2 of 3 [ 43 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,018

30 Aug 2020, 8:24 pm

Yes! I'm almost 60 and still terrified but only of NT women. I know almost instantly when another woman is on the spectrum. I don't know how but I just do. I'm fine with aspie women. :D



PoseyBuster88
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 17 Mar 2019
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 270

31 Aug 2020, 11:48 pm

This is going to sound like stereotyping, because it is, but look for women with typically "masculine" majors or careers - engineering, math, etc. They are more likely to be used to socializing with men, and a higher proportion of aspies, so even if they themselves are NT, they are more likely to "get" you. I think I saw you are 21 years old, which is why I mentioned majors.

A couple other general tips that I learned in college:

1. Saying "I feel like maybe..." instead of "I think that..." comes across a LOT better to most NT ladies. Example: "I feel like maybe you're mad at me" instead of "I think that you are mad at me."

2. Telling people you expect to have an ongoing relationship with (roommates, for example) a couple things you know you struggle with can help. Like "I don't always pick up on nonverbal cues like when you want privacy. Please feel free to just tell me if I'm not getting it. I won't be offended." You don't necessarily have to tell them you have autism.

3. If someone is mean to you and you weren't mean to them first, they aren't someone you wanted to cultivate a relationship with anyway. Same if they are polite, but always kinda distant. Not everyone is nice, and not everyone is a good fit as friends even if they ARE nice.

4. Be quick to apologize if you think you may have angered someone. They may tell you why, which is a learning opportunity. And stuff like that even happens between two NTs...I had one roommate who 100% had NO IDEA it would make our 3rd roommate angry if she borrowed her clothes without asking each time. She'd grown up borrowing her sister's stuff all the time and didn't understand that boundary. She was confused until it was explained to her...and then she quit borrowing stuff without asking, and they were friends.


_________________
~AQ 32; not formally diagnosed.~


Eliza_Day
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 23 Aug 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 85
Location: England

02 Sep 2020, 8:24 pm

In my case both women and men scare me. It’s humanity in general.

I haven’t been around others for quite some time now bar a few minor interactions with shop staff and taxi drivers when I do my weekly shop. One of the reasons why I don’t mind wearing a mask is because people can’t see my facial expression, and therefore can’t be angry with me for looking at them in the “right” way.

When I was much younger I would seek out the company of other (older) women because I felt safer with them. They were usually pleasant to me and would often try to take me under their wing. My female peers hated me though so I avoided them for my own sanity. The random bitchy comments, ostracism and bullying was too much to bear. They also seemed very keen to let me know how great they thought they were, and would tell me how many boys/men fancied them and how beautiful and sexy their boyfriends thought they were. I was always shy around men and it amused them so they’d tell me how good they were in bed! Pathetic behaviour really.

There are two reasons why women say things like that and the first one is because they may see you as a threat, and the second one being that they think you’re beneath them and they want to put you in your place.

Women communicate in complex ways and it can be challenging to decipher what they really mean. This can cause problems when you are more straightforward and honest - they can’t handle it and will retaliate. Female bonding tends to be based on emotional and personal disclosure, which to me can be invasive. It’s hard to know what to say and when - how do you know when to trust that person? Your private information could be used against you at some point.

I also hate the incessant questioning that many women are so fond of. I know that people do ask questions when they’re getting to know you but it can sometimes overlap into more personal territory. I need to have an extremely strong connection to someone before I open up in that way and hate to be made to feel bad because I’m too “secretive”. I just have strong boundaries. Where I live both women and men over disclose and get close too fast and that’s unhealthy and leads to conflict.

Men can be hard to deal with too and they don’t really know how to react to me for some reason. I look feminine but my mannerisms are more neutral and that puzzles them. There are times when I’ve been shouted at or chastised by men because I’m not presenting myself in a way that’s familiar or attractive to them. Women who are animated and receptive fare better with men.



RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,018

02 Nov 2020, 5:48 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
Ugh, that's horrible, also doing it outside a house of worship.

Idk if it's just women in the West who are catty then... Also, that's interesting. Most of the women I've encountered have been quite willing to judge. Granted, I've given off negative cues unintentionally, but even so, women are more openly cruel to me.

It may just be confirmation bias though, idk.


I'm almost 60 years old and I will NEVER understand other women. I gave up. My friendships are few and far between but they are good ones. If you ever want to talk to someone your own age who truly understands what you may be feeling, PM me. I have someone who would love to talk to you. She's 21 and struggling with all the social stuff.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,971
Location: New York City (Queens)

05 Nov 2020, 5:16 pm

During pretty much my entire adult life, I've never really tried to be friends with socially mainstream people, men or women. I've always sought out fellow oddballs of one kind or another, both men and women.

These days I do make a point of saying hello to neighbors, but I don't expect or want it to go beyond brief small talk, just enough so I won't be seen as a completely aloof stranger.

I've sought friends only amongst people who shared particular common interests. My friends have included both women and men. Within the oddball subcultures I hung out in, both the women and the men had a wide variety of personalities, so I wouldn't want to generalize much about either gender.


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- Longterm visions for the autistic community


Cavycat
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 12 Jan 2019
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Posts: 52
Location: Long Island, NY

09 Dec 2020, 6:44 pm

That's really interesting that some of you here have similar fears. My first real prolonged exposure to women close to my age was in ABA therapy, and most of them were this catty type who can't be trusted, and are incredibly selfish. Oddly enough, all of these women looked similar, so usually personality and ethnicity presentation play a role in how scared of a woman I am. I also was emotionally and sexually abused by several housemates during my time in a residential school, all female. The emotionally manipulative types that are the embodiment of toxic femininity scare me the most.



y-pod
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2010
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,377
Location: Canada

14 Dec 2020, 7:41 am

The only woman I'm terrified of is my mom. She's so NT she's completely the opposite of me. She also has BPD and total disregard of my feelings. Sometimes I feel even death doesn't scare me as much as talking to my mom does. :D I feel like a fearless warrior every time I pick up the phone to call her. There are other difficult people in my life, but I tolerate them pretty well. I just need to compared them to mom and then everyone is a piece of cake. :D

I do feel a little lonely sometimes that I don't have a close female friend or relative in my life. So wish I have a sister. But I have a brother and we don't share much in common, so maybe a sister wouldn't be any better anyway.


_________________
AQ score: 44
Aspie mom to two autistic sons (19 & 17 )


Whale_Tuune
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2018
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Posts: 575
Location: Narnia

15 Dec 2020, 10:43 am

Cavycat wrote:
That's really interesting that some of you here have similar fears. My first real prolonged exposure to women close to my age was in ABA therapy, and most of them were this catty type who can't be trusted, and are incredibly selfish. Oddly enough, all of these women looked similar, so usually personality and ethnicity presentation play a role in how scared of a woman I am. I also was emotionally and sexually abused by several housemates during my time in a residential school, all female. The emotionally manipulative types that are the embodiment of toxic femininity scare me the most.


Toxic femininity... that's an interesting concept.


_________________
AQ: 36 (last I checked :p)


TatjanaErika
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 16 Jun 2020
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Posts: 27
Location: Serbia

20 Dec 2020, 5:13 pm

Mostly, I am not exactly terrified of them, but girls my age tend to be non-accepting and even cruel. During my school years, I have been ridiculed and even harassed by other girls, while boys mostly had pitty for me. Engineering school where girls are a minority has been salvation for me. However, older women often seem to like me and threat me in a mother-like way, so I don't have a problem with them.



funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 12,694
Location: I'm right here

20 Dec 2020, 5:52 pm

Whale_Tuune wrote:
Cavycat wrote:
That's really interesting that some of you here have similar fears. My first real prolonged exposure to women close to my age was in ABA therapy, and most of them were this catty type who can't be trusted, and are incredibly selfish. Oddly enough, all of these women looked similar, so usually personality and ethnicity presentation play a role in how scared of a woman I am. I also was emotionally and sexually abused by several housemates during my time in a residential school, all female. The emotionally manipulative types that are the embodiment of toxic femininity scare me the most.


Toxic femininity... that's an interesting concept.


It seems pretty reasonable. Since society socializes males and females differently it makes sense that the maladaptive responses to the stresses of being socialized as a boy or girl would impact one's development differently. Some of this might be innate, but a significant portion is likely tied to the different experiences typical of being raised as a boy or as a girl.

I mean, that's my non-expert guess. :nerdy:


_________________
politics is dumb but very important
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う


hariboci
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2020
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 108

28 Dec 2020, 7:41 pm

I'm not afraid of women, but as most of you I had many bad experiences. Mainly under 20.

But I'm a programmer and mostly surrounded by men in adult life. Female coworkers are mostly masculine in behavior and looks, it's easier to get along with them. But I often keep the distance, they are moody sometimes.

Someone recommended you to find older and scientific women. I agree, they are more practical and less into drama, manipulation and tricky hints. Of course sometimes they are, but it's much less frequent as with non-scientific women - at least based on my observations.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 73 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


GenerationX
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 14 Feb 2021
Gender: Female
Posts: 17

15 Feb 2021, 8:30 am

I think it is cruel that other females are mocking you. It says more about them than you.

I'm not terrified of other women as such but I do often get along better with males, I'm not sure why, I just find them easier to talk to, girls...at least the ones I know are more gossipy and I hate gossip, obviously leaning towards negative gossip.

Here's to hoping you make nicer connections with females. :)


_________________
Lonely heart...


SharonB
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,780

18 Feb 2021, 4:02 pm

I found an ASD-like BFF in my 20s. I avoided NT women until my 40s. In my 40s I started to make female friends through shared circumstances or mutual male friend/husband. All are neurodiverse in some way, although not ASD. My BFF went to all-girl schools, so had three good friends (again, all social outcasts) and in her 40s developed women friends at work. So in the 40s, we both have NT female friends ---- did we change or did the NT women change? (Both :) )



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 20,426
Location: South-East England

18 Feb 2021, 4:39 pm

If I am in an environment where women are outnumbered by men, I feel threatened if there is another woman who appears more attractive than me (bigger breasts, loud and chatty, wears make up, etc). They seem to take up all the attention and I feel left out.

At work I'm the only woman among a bunch of guys, but someone is going to retire next month so they're obviously going to hire someone to replace him, and I keep stressing about who they're going to hire. As the only woman, I am quite popular, something I have never really experienced before, and I love the attention. But I know that if they hire a girl who appears prettier than me it will take away my popularity. We've had a young girl work with us before (thankfully she left), and she was one of those people who constantly seeked attention and she got invited out with the guys as a group outside of work, completely making me feel left out.
I still don't get invited out with them but it doesn't bother me now, it only bothered me when she was working there because I had to hear about their fun outings they had. It was almost like she was boasting or even gloating, like "ha, they all love me!"


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


Dreamsea
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 1 Nov 2015
Age: 37
Posts: 155
Location: Under the sea

28 Feb 2021, 6:28 am

Yes. NT women tend to treat me like I’m stupid. In the past I have been ganged up on and lectured by them after saying or doing the wrong thing.

I deal with them by always trying my best to be super polite and quickly apologizing when they get upset with me. NT women are like wasps. You must be careful around them or they will gang up on you and attack. I avoid groups of people when I can.



Salierii
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2021
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Posts: 4
Location: UK

02 Mar 2021, 6:17 pm

When it comes to neurotypical women, I don't understand them at all. 90% of my friends have been boys, because I simply do not understand how other women communicate and also I am not very touchy, don't have traditionally feminine behaviors, and don't socialize in the way they expect me to.