Overprotective parents?

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My parents were definitely overprotective. Back when I was a kid and my school had field trips, one or both of my parents were always coming with me to those trips. When I went to university as an undergrad I went to the one close to home and was living with my mom. My mom had fights with me every semester when she thought I was taking too many courses and was trying to persuade me to drop some of them. The only time she succeeded is when it was, in fact, too much for me -- other times she failed. But she kept pushing until drop deadline. When I went to graduate school I went to the one far away from home but my mom was strongly opposed to it and ultimately the only reason I went is that there was nothing she could do to stop me. She was visitting me probably every month or every couple of months, and talking to my professors about my progress. I continued to go to different schools far away from home from that point on (I did multiple degrees -- in fact I am still at school even now doing the second ph.d.). But then this March when schools became remote, my mom pressured me into moving back with her, which I did. And now that I am at her home she babies me. If I stay up doing school work too late, she won't go to bed until I do, and she would keep pestering me to go to bed. Then during the day she would be asking me questions which of the things I am doing and no matter what I say, she would find reasons why I should be doing one of the other things I have to do. She also reminds me to tie my shoes. She also cooks for me.

And yes I definitely do think that there is a connection between my Asperger and overprotective parents. It goes both ways though:

a) My Asperger caused my parents to be overprotective

b) My parents overprotective behavior caused my Asperger to be worse than it otherwise would have been since treating me like a little kid didn't give me a practice of adult interactions and then when I was exposed to it when I finally left home it was a shocker

My mom, however, denies that part "b" is anywhere in the equation. She thinks its all about part "a", and that is the problem.

My mum and dad were very very overprotective to the point where they shielded me from been an adult and I'll explain what that means. I was a complete opposite to what my partner was and I'll explain below.

Chores
Me - never taught how to do them by the time I moved out all I knew was how to cook a microwave meal.
Partner - age of 13 was taught to tidy room and by 16 was hoovering and cleaning his room. When he moved out he was self sufficient.

Money planning
Me - When I started to work when I was 18 I had no idea how to manage money my mum used to manage my wage and give me pocket money. This meant when I moved out I racked up debt within days in a month I managed to rack up 1k
Partner - taught from childhood importance of money had his own bank card when he was able to and taught to manage pocket money. When he moved out he could manage finances and still does.

Self sufficient
Me - My mum refused to leave me alone in her house even when I was 26 when she went away and sent me off to be looked after by my aunt. That was degrading when my younger brother who was 19 could be trusted but not me.
Partner - his mum and stepdad had no issues once he was an adult to be left at home when they went away he could look after himself and house.

I loved my mum and she is a great mum she just was a major helicopter parent and it left me well unprepared for real life I had no idea when I moved out with my partner how things worked I actually was dead ashamed when I worked part time at the time sitting there doing nothing and my partner working full time and coming home doing everything no wonder why his family thought I was useless. Though I'm part to blame as I made no effort to learn.

I have some, but they're not that bad compared to others, however, they are still bad enough that I want to move out as soon as possible. My brothers, one of whom is a similar age, have more freedom than me. My parents keep telling me to get a job, but once I get an interview, they say that the close by place is too far. They mostly control me by limiting my transit options and instilling fear of disapproval, so I tend to obey them out of fear. It's mostly my mom, though. She tends to be uncomfortable with me considering anything remotely adult for my future, from sex to living on my own. For instance, I must tell my parents wherever I am going, and my dad highly dislikes my walking around town (my mom's place is pedestrian friendly) and wants to drive me. He hates me going out alone in broad daylight.

We live in a car dependent area, and there are other transit options like bus, ride share, taxi, and train. My mom doesn't want me to take public transit whatsoever, even though I have self preservation skills. She will only accept ride share of she can hail the ride and GPS track me. They also won't let me take driver's education courses so I can drive myself.

My parents infantalize me at times, mostly implicit. They don't treat me as if I am an adult, unlike my siblings, who give me basic human respect. The not clear guidelines from my parents make it hard to look for a job because I don't know what geographical range they want to transport me in. I'm also worried that once I make acquaintances and friends, they'll try to be overbearing. I tried having a backup ride in college once, someone who lived nearby, due to my mom sleeping in a lot to the point where I was late due to her five times to that class alone that semester. I told them of my alternate arrangements (which I never used), and asked who this person was and they had to meet her before giving me a ride. My dad asked what her race was, implying that it was important, and her name. I gave the first name, which is used across multiple cultures. They asked me about her character, which I just gave what I could gather from our time in a lab group (we were divided into close geographical areas, each lab table had only people who lived within a couple of towns because it was an entomology class, and there were a variety of ecosystems where we lived). They implied that they don't want me hanging out with the opposite sex, or taking rides from male classmates.

The tidying your room thing surprises me.

I was taught that from the age of 3. Any mess after that was a choice on my part.

When I moved in with my stepdad at 9 he told me that today was tidying day once a week and any toys/games/books/clothes etc left on the floor would be put in the bin.

So I got used to putting things away immediately after using them or at least that day.

Vaccing is harder than tidying but honestly? Unless there's a physical disability involved where the kid can't move, kids ought to be able to put their toys from the floor to the toy box and books from the bed to the shelf and clothes from the bed to the wardrobe/laundry basket.

Babies no, because at first there's something akin to a physical disability (they can only crawl) and then as they get older they move from one activity to the next without really thinking it all through. When I was 1 one of my favourite activities was pulling all my parents' books off their shelves

It's why the stereotypical sit com man who's NT and not disabled & can't pick his own socks up off the floor without his wife's help is so gross.

Nowadays I'm honestly a bit more messy. But only with things like if I'm currently reading a book, it goes on my bedside table rather than the shelf.

I don't think being autistic makes it harder to be tidy. In fact, our methodical brains make it easier to be precise in our tidiness - all my books are in Dewey Decimal order on shelves for eg.

I do think when it comes to social stuff, it should be socially acceptable to 'over protect' your autistic child. Even into adulthood. We're more at risk of being taken advantage of so we need more protection.

In retrospect, I already posted but I now live alone and I wish mum hadn't made me so scared of the dark. I want to go to my own yard in the dark and sort out my bins but it terrifies me. Living at home, you get away with not doing. Being in England in your own house after 3pm, it's a severe hindrance. I want to be brave enough to walk to the shop between 3 and 5 pm but she made out that that time of night belongs to cis guys and they might attack you if you go out alone after dark - easy for her cos she has a husband who can escort her from place to place.