Was I being abused by my ex gf?

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For background, I'm a 24 year old woman with PTSD and my ex is a 29 year old woman. I'm autistic, with PTSD and tourette's syndrome.

Our relationship began around 2 years ago, and she asked me to be her gf 4 days after we met. Things started off well, but they began to decline when my issues and struggles became apparent. I get overloaded easily, I can't be as spontaneous as she'd like, and I have severe depression and she couldn't handle supporting me. It would stress her out. Sp, I would reach out to other friends for support as much as I could to make it easier on her, but my depressive moods became a trigger for her.


She likes to go out and do stuff spontaneously but I need preparation before leaving the house, and that would stress her out. Being autistic, I would say things that are bizarre or rude and not realize it, so she got upset upset with me, saying I was socially inept. So, I started putting everything I had into getting better for her, so I wouldn't stress her out, but things only got worse. Everything I did would stress her out and she would give me daily talks about how I only cause her stress, and I'm destroying her, so I kept trying harder to be a good partner, but there's just some stuff I struggle with, like knowing what to say when she needed support. So, I dis the best i could, and part of being autistic is scripting, in that I have a script in my head of what I should say when supporting somebody but she said it was coming off like I didn't care but the truth is, I wanted her feel better more than anything. She said I wasnt making sacrifices for the relationship like I was but i was experiencing extreme.burnout every day trying to do everything she wanted me to do, so by the end of the day, I'd be worn out and trying to suppress autistic meltdowns which only worked so much, so she couldn't handle that, either, so I continued to hide my feelings from her out of fear of stressing her out, but she would get stressed out anyway.


The daily talks turned emotional when she would tell me I needed to change something very fast or she'd break up with me. She said I was destroying her every day, which is hard to hear on a daily basis, so as much as I'd try to hold back my tears, I just couldn't, and that would upset her, and she said I was making it about me. Every day, I knew something was gonna go wrong, and i knew it would be something I did that I wasnt aware of. I woke up every day scared of what would happen, and what I was gonna do that would upset her. This grew to excruciating emotional pain that I did my beat to hide from her. I would try to be chipper, and help her, but she eventually started getting angry and hating me, calling me selfish, like I don't care about anybody but myself, but I did. One day, we went to the store together and she couldn't stand me, so she left the store and went somewhere, texting me that she hated me. I found her and we walked home, and she started kicking fences and stuff. All I wanted was to make her happy and stop stressing her out, and I was slowly destroying myself doing it, but she didn't know because the one time I tried to share my perspective, she told me I was blame shifting and attacking her, and she said that nobody knows me like she does, and that I destroy everyone around me, so I never did it again.


There was a friend who's part of my support network who my gf hated after a single bad interaction 5 years ago, who I would talk to for support on those days where I felt completely destroyed, and she got angry that I, the person destroying her, had somebody to talk to for support but she didn't. This came after a talk where she said I had a month to get better or else she'd leave me, which is something she'd say on a daily basis, so I was trying to get support from a friend so I wouldnt stress my gf out by crying or looking visibly upset and making her more upset. She didnt know I was talking to.the person she hated (who actually told me she had never met my gf in her life), but she wanted me to cut contact with her altogether, because she's my partner. Doing so would have ended a long standing friendship and destroyed much of my small support network.


After putting in a year of relentless work into doing what she wanted me to do, whenever I'd get overwhelmed from all the suppressed emotions, she'd tell me I'm worse than I've ever been, that I had made no or very little progress. I'd get discouraged, but I'd keep trying, but my that time, she associated everything I did with stress, so things would never get better. One time, I tried to suggest that that we both have issues that play into each other, but she said I was blame shifting and that it's basically all me, and I need to change, so I kept trying.


She would often tell me that when shes around me, it's like she's babysitting somebody and I was draining to her, while all her other friends energize her, and she actually enjoys being around them. I tried to improve in that area, too, by being more spontaneous and my natural need for things to be prepared for and planned out being suppressed, but when you're autistic, that leads to burnout, so it was hard and that never got any better. A week later, she went with a friend to the city and had a good time, and came back and told me all about it, and slipped in that this friend didn't drain her like I do, so she was able to have a good time for once. She also said she was embarrassed to be seen with me in public bc I dress like a mentally ill homeless person and it made us a target so I got sad and she got angry and left me alone in LA and went home bc she was mad at me for getting upset.

She'd say stuff like she wishes we never met and told me she hated me on a couple occasions. I only ever tried to get better for her because I love her but I wasn't good enough and I'm heartbroken and devastated to a point where idk if I can ever love again. I'm in constant mental anguish. It's constant and agonizing and I hate it so much, and she's come out of this feeling happy while I spend most days crying and being in pain and it's unbearable


I'm struggling with all of this, because I've owned up to it all being my fault, but friends keep telling me it isnt all my fault. I feel like being autistic destroyed everything, but she's more attracted to autistic women and had an autistic gf in the past who wasn't like this and she had fun with. My friends told me I was abused. Is this true?