Struggling with hating myself for being weird

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Lunella
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11 Sep 2020, 12:03 pm

It depends what you want to do in life.

I used to be the exact same way as you years ago, I was always hanging out in metal bars with the goths and other creatures we'd find in there. This type of life was great because you'd always find plenty people into all that.

Thing is though, all this you're into you will eventually grow out of and get bored of it. I certainly did very quickly when I hit 25+ Give it 10 years you'll be a totally different person to who you are now.

Now, you need to decide who you want to be in life, you say you don't want to be like all these boring normal people etc. But have you ever thought as to why they are like that in the first place? Mate I would walk around town with bright purple hair any day in a onesie but I won't do that now simply because it'd ruin job opportunities and in the society we are forced to be apart of wether we like it or not - people will not take me seriously like that. So that is why people conform to the s**t society we live in, because everything is about opportunity and money.

These days I dress like a slim hot blonde girl, the amount of job opportunities and money I get benefits my life massively, I'm a goth at heart though, I f****n hate pink but I wear it and embrace it because it gets me ahead in life. People notice me and stare at me from far away, why? Because I do what I know works to get me ahead in that regard, same with personality, I act a certain way which I know is how everyone else seems to act - polite and vanilla but with lots of interesting facts. Not infront of people who matter though.

You meet friends along the way when you chase the money, they just appear out of the woodwork. I have a ton of friends I've known from sooo many workplaces over the years who are like my best friends who are all weirdos at heart but we play the game to get the money. It's kind of like roleplay in an odd way, like when I'm alone with friends or my partner we can be free to just be our weird selves but we present ourselves as what is popular in society because of all the money it brings. And money in this life is basically survival, the more you have of it the easier your life is.

I'm not saying you can't get ahead by looking "weird" or having tattoos or anything like that by the way - I'm saying it simply makes it easier to just pretend to be "normal" but around the people who matter the real you can shine.


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11 Sep 2020, 1:01 pm

BenReillyUK wrote:
I don't know that its cool to be different. I think its more relaxing to be okay with it and embrace your weirdness. We all spend so much of our lives playing roles. I mean if you look at Sartre on Authenticity it seems the authentic life is the happy and true life, and the one that doesn't go wrong so much.
I try to follow Sartre.



difference (weirdness) has its ups and down, but without it the earthlings
might never have got to the moon , nor developed nuclear power.


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13 Sep 2020, 3:07 pm

cherryglitter wrote:
My favorite science teacher always told me, "it's cool to be different" and let me know that it's okay. But is it really? I'm writing this in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm at such an emotionally low point these last few weeks because at 26 years old, I still haven't established a solid definition of "normal" when it comes to society, my peers and pop culture. I grew up with dark, mystical, fantasy, supernatural content. I'm one of those people who give off "witchy" vibes. I started listening to My Chemical Romance before I started middle school. I've been in the Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Vampire Diaries etc. fandoms. All of this was normal to me. What's great about the internet is that you can find and connect with others "like you", who share your interests. And I did for a while, but times have changed. Now, everything's been flipped upside down with purity culture. Are we, as a society, regressing to Puritanism? Is "dark" content considered off-limits now? I'm finding that people who are into the same things I am are dying out and becoming harder to find, unless that's become morally not kosher and I didn't get the memo. I resent purity policing and cancel culture because of how much it's changed things and it's almost like I'm experiencing culture shock. We have censorship, fierce and cutthroat social justice and it's so difficult to discern what's okay and what's not anymore. I expressed this to my mother, who knows I'm on the spectrum but it still behooves her that I don't act or function the way she thinks I ought to and my neurodivergence annoys her so she has little compassion to spare and I don't know why I bother. I should just give up and stop trying to get her to understand me because if she hasn't for 26 years, she never will. But I feel like I can't connect with any of my peers. Older adults, absolutely, but if I try vibing with people my own age, I'm the odd one out and ostracized or shunned and it's obvious but I feel like there's this unspoken secret to the universe that people are consciously not letting me in on and it's so distressing and even crushing and hurtful. I thought I didn't care what people think and loved myself, always did my own thing but is it my interests that are too eccentric and stupid? Does nobody care about the things that I like? I thought it was easier to make friends and socialize on the internet because it's much more vast and surely there are fandom communities like stan twitter etc., and I spent the last several years of my life RPing on Tumblr but now I can't even get people to write with me and my friends are ghosting me for no reason and it feels like I'm being punished for having done something wrong and I can't figure it out or "guess". I've never done well with the silent treatment. Is it me? Am I simply too weird? And if that's the case, I hate it because I can't change no matter how hard I try. I've gone through the whole masking deal in high school, faked several identities and bounced from clique to clique craving some sense of belonging even with the most toxic teens who were never my friends, dressed in their clothes and listened to their music even though it wasn't me and I didn't like it just to see if things would change and that never worked out, so I'm exhausted and stopped trying to "be normal" a long time ago. They still sense my neurodivergence and react to me like I'm gross or have some disease, and now it's even on the internet where I can truly be myself and that's extra insulting. It just hurts wondering if I'm so far removed from what's considered socially acceptable in ways that I can't help and I'm just so sad because of it. All I want to do is cry.

What kinds of interests are considered "normal"? I like bands (mostly 80's rock), Stranger Things, Supernatural, mythology, ancient history and art, poetry and fashion. I don't like TikToks or KPop or whatever else people are consuming, but just how "weird" am I? I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it and not being able to connect with my peers because I'm different. I know that's inevitable when I have Asperger's, but I'm just... so sad and heartbroken over it. I just feel like sobbing my eyes out. Does anyone else ever break down and get this way?


I have noticed since 08 things have not quite been the same. Having said that even into 2016 things seemed "ok". Not perfect, but ok. Then 2016 happened and the "alterverse" (anything offbeat) seemed to get screwed over by mainstream culture. Add into that many people our ages are having families now, so the "play time" is over and they need to be serious. However, beyond that I think the newer generation (gen z) are sour pusses so to speak, so that ruins stuff for us free spirits. Programming, third party politics, sports, video games, music, tv, Bsing online, etc. have all seemed to bite the dust. I don't want to get political one way or another but overall I think it is a reflection of the US becoming a more authoritarian society, thus creativity gets stifled.

Also to add to this I will post something as well to expound on a situation I find myself in.



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14 Sep 2020, 11:13 am

beware the " thought police" people whom wish to firect your thinking , sapping some parts of peoples creativity .. quite interesting seeing other people noticing these differences occuring aswell
withcovid and stuffs like that , ties between people seem to wax and wanes in odd ways at odd times. Things change they always do not necessarily in the time or way , we might like them too


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18 Sep 2020, 11:46 pm

I related so much to your post, I can't say I like all of the things your into. But I have always loved 80s music and my attention was always captured by things that are considered strange or niche.

I have had so many niche interests growing up and I played around with different identities and finding ways to fit in. I became really reclusive in my mid to late 20s. I tried hard to fit in during the day when I was working or in class by dressing nicely, wearing make-up, and sticking to topics of conversation I know will be agreeable. I lost contact with a lot of friends as well and I struggled with my identity.

I realize now I like the things that I like and I have a personality that is all my own. I am starting to learn through different resources how to accept myself and not beat myself up over all of the interesting things I like. I have always been the one who was accused of trying too hard to be different, but I realize now those sorts of comments don't really matter. The only times I was trying too hard to be anything was when I was trying to fit-in with everyone else.

I know as an adult I will have to fit it and conform at work and other places where I need to be professional. I read about relevant topics and stick to pieces of my personality and interests I know will be agreeable, but I make sure I am not this person all the time.

I am learning it is okay to be weird and to embrace my personality and special interests. Life is too short to be constantly worried about fitting-in and being too self-critical.



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26 Sep 2020, 12:32 am

Hello Cherryglitter,

You sound like me when I was in my twenties. I'm 45 now. I think you should embrace your interests and see where they take you. There's nothing wrong with liking things. I've butted heads with my parents, too. They're from another generation and they aren't going to understand you how you want them to, unfortunately.

Are you working? Can you work in the literary field, or in a store that sells the things you like? That's what I do now. I don't work as much as I'd like to, but I enjoy fashion and I can lose myself in that. You'll be happier if you can pursue your interests. It's harder for people on the spectrum. We think a little more than other people do. We don't always react correctly.

You have to build up your confidence because you have a long road ahead. I started learning how to knit in my twenties. I watched cooking shows. I read books that I wanted to read, and it was nice, because in high school and college it was always what my teachers and professors picked out. I enjoyed some of what I had to read for school, but not all of it.

I also dated in my twenties. You might find a good guy. But for any guy to like and appreciate you, you have to like yourself first. No matter what your mom says. It's about you now.


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27 Sep 2020, 10:09 am

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
I remember back when I was still with my husband, he did the same thing when I was watching a show. He would come up and want to talk about something completely unrelated to the show. But then he was the exact same way. He would shh me when he was reading, watching a show or typing online to his Facebook friends. Maybe this is a symptom of a bad relationship?


I might be guilty of that myself. Many Aspies, me included, suffer from problems with short term memory. It really makes it difficult for us to concentrate. If I am interrupted, many times I will completely lose my train of thought. I may spend hours trying to figure out what I was thinking before the interruption. So I might ask someone to wait a minute so that I could finish up whatever I was doing. On the flip side, if I am excited about something and want to share it, I tend to be singularly focused and will often interrupt other people. If I don't interrupt, then again I lose my train of thought and forget why I was interrupting them in the first place.

This is not really a symptom of a bad relationship but rather a symptom of an Aspie relationship.


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27 Sep 2020, 1:53 pm

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
I hate being me sometimes because of the things that offend me but aren't typically considered offensive to most people.


Like?


Like people going "sshh" to me. I just feel upset and angry whenever people do that. For one thing the "sshh..." sound is just cringing, and another thing is it just offends me - I'd rather be told to shut up! True story.
Some people use "sshh" more than others. I find it awkward to express that it offends me, because it isn't that offensive to sshh someone in the right situations like if they're trying to listen to something. Some people sshh for weird reasons like say if you're telling a funny joke and they say "sshh" because you're so funny that you're making them laugh or something.

And I especially hated being told to sshh when I was having a meltdown! Telling an autistic person who is having a meltdown, "sshh, I'm watching Eastenders" will NOT make us go, "oops, sorry, I will have a meltdown later when Eastenders is finished."

I wish people only used sshh to soothe a crying baby or a child.


I don't shh anyone because I think most people do find it rude, even NTs. It may be someone uses shh as a last resort because they really can't think how else to respond or lack the energy/patience. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone else's meltdown, you are asking a lot out them, that's a big check to cash. People just don't sign up in life to deal with someone else's problems. I always assume that no one cares, that's a good basis to start with and never too far from reality.

When I was young, a kid, had meltdowns more often, and older people accept that sort of thing in a young person, but as you get older, consequences get steeper. There are headlines in the news today about this very topic. Emotions can be dangerous things, they don't deserve to be in the driver's seat.


I don't have uncontrollable meltdowns any more but I did when I was younger. But this isn't just about meltdowns anyway. I hate being told to sshh whatever the situation is.
My boyfriend uses sshh a lot. He's NT but is ironically more reserved than me and enjoys listening to things like the TV or car radio. Even if it's just for background noise, I still have to remember not to talk if a radio or TV is on (unless he speaks first), because there is a risk of being sshh'd.

I never use sshh. If someone is talking and I want to listen to something, I either just miss it, or I say politely, "hang on, I want to listen" or "wait a minute" in a tone which means that I am listening to something.
The use of sshh reminds me of being a child, where you'd go sshh to each other if you're playing hiding games or if you're doing or saying something that you don't wish your parents to hear, or if you're in a noisy classroom and the teacher goes ssssshhhh to stop everyone talking. That's different.
I have told my boyfriend that I dislike people sshhing me but he often forgets, which is what makes me think that being sshh'd shouldn't be a big deal but it just is to me because I think differently I suppose.


That clarifies the situation a bit more. There are two ways to look at what you just told me. One is, rude boyfriend, but I don't accept that automatically. Alternative take is, you are interupting his show or whatever it is he is interested in. Yet another is a mixture of both. What I don't think is that you're being oversensitive. You're hurt b/c you care what he thinks of you, that is all. He doesn't mean to hurt you, mainly he wants to keep watching his show and not get interrupted and is not sure how to go about it.

I remember back when I was still with my husband, he did the same thing when I was watching a show. He would come up and want to talk about something completely unrelated to the show. But then he was the exact same way. He would shh me when he was reading, watching a show or typing online to his Facebook friends. Maybe this is a symptom of a bad relationship?

Or, maybe human beings just need to give each other space sometimes. I know my cat does not like to be around me 24/7 and vice versa, I need time away from my cat. Sometimes in relationships, people don't understand the need for space. They expect attention all the time or for it to be on tap whenever they want it. Well, that is not how relationships work in my experience.


Because I don't watch much TV at all, I don't often find myself in a situation where I am trying to listen to something that someone else is not. I have ADHD as well so that plays a part in my impulsive behaviour and I sometimes forget that they are listening to a TV so I've got to consciously remind myself not to speak until the commercials come on.

Actually we do give each other a healthy amount of space. He is unemployed so it is not always easy to avoid being there together every day, but often he'll watch his TV while I'll go off and work on my art or writing, or I'll go into the bedroom and take a nap or listen to music or something (or post on WP of course :wink: ). Also I work every evening so he gets the evenings to himself too.

Being sshh'd by someone who is watching the TV doesn't just happen with me, it happens with everyone. It's a common mistake that even NTs commit. But because I hate the sound of "sshh" so much, I focus on it more and get more offended if I mess up and get sshh'd. I've yet to meet another person who hates when people say sshh. Even when my boyfriend has ghost hunters programmes on (which is actually something I'd watch as well), I hate it when they keep going sshh to each other when trying to contact the ghosts. It's just so cringing!


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27 Sep 2020, 3:23 pm

Are the ghost hunters shushing the ghosts. Or the people watching their program. Lol... :D


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19 Oct 2020, 6:40 am

Lunella wrote:
It depends what you want to do in life.

I used to be the exact same way as you years ago, I was always hanging out in metal bars with the goths and other creatures we'd find in there. This type of life was great because you'd always find plenty people into all that.

Thing is though, all this you're into you will eventually grow out of and get bored of it. I certainly did very quickly when I hit 25+ Give it 10 years you'll be a totally different person to who you are now.

Now, you need to decide who you want to be in life, you say you don't want to be like all these boring normal people etc. But have you ever thought as to why they are like that in the first place? Mate I would walk around town with bright purple hair any day in a onesie but I won't do that now simply because it'd ruin job opportunities and in the society we are forced to be apart of wether we like it or not - people will not take me seriously like that. So that is why people conform to the s**t society we live in, because everything is about opportunity and money.

These days I dress like a slim hot blonde girl, the amount of job opportunities and money I get benefits my life massively, I'm a goth at heart though, I f****n hate pink but I wear it and embrace it because it gets me ahead in life. People notice me and stare at me from far away, why? Because I do what I know works to get me ahead in that regard, same with personality, I act a certain way which I know is how everyone else seems to act - polite and vanilla but with lots of interesting facts. Not infront of people who matter though.

You meet friends along the way when you chase the money, they just appear out of the woodwork. I have a ton of friends I've known from sooo many workplaces over the years who are like my best friends who are all weirdos at heart but we play the game to get the money. It's kind of like roleplay in an odd way, like when I'm alone with friends or my partner we can be free to just be our weird selves but we present ourselves as what is popular in society because of all the money it brings. And money in this life is basically survival, the more you have of it the easier your life is.

I'm not saying you can't get ahead by looking "weird" or having tattoos or anything like that by the way - I'm saying it simply makes it easier to just pretend to be "normal" but around the people who matter the real you can shine.


I'm with this. I was pretty Goth too back in the day. Then you get old and you discover, I have to pay the rent. :mrgreen:

I try to blend in @ work especially. You don't want to be odd one out. I become what others want me to be, grow into a role. Other people help, they want you to evolve as well and constantly will supply pointers to nudge you in the right direction.

Yep, it is all about earning that dinero! There are other advantages too like the job getting plain easier when people relax and accept you because you become like part of the family.

My inner weirdness, that is just for me, myself and I. My cats think I'm perfectly normal though, I've got them fooled.


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19 Oct 2020, 7:37 pm

I used to hate myself so much. I'd swing between being damn proud of how weird I am to being deeply ashamed of how weird I am. The weirdness sometimes manifests as creativity or unexpected humor, which makes people like me and makes me proud to be unique. But then the weirdness sometimes manifests as interest in something really fringe, or a preference for doing things that others find unappealing, and then people don't like me and I feel bad about myself.

To be honest, I still do hate myself sometimes. Finding out I have ASD has been monumental in allowing me to be kinder to myself and to forgive myself. I sometimes still "forget" that I have trouble with some things because I am autistic, and fall back into old habits of thinking I'm a stupid jerk who doesn't deserve good things. But then I remember and that level of perspective is enough to curb the worst of the self-loathing.

As annoying as it is to hear this, it's also extremely true: this changes as you get older. I remember my mid-20s so clearly. I was so unhappy. But now....I just don't care as much anymore. When I do care, it can still hurt and I may still feel bad about myself. It just happens WAY less often.

Life is unpredictable but the only certainty is change. This too shall pass, all things fall apart, etc. The constant change and impermanence of things is scary but it's also the greatest gift. Things may not necessarily get better when you are older, but I guarantee that they will be different.

It's painful to be judged and rejected by people who don't understand or agree with you, but no matter what you do, there will be people who judge and reject you. That is unfortunately also inevitable. But that's their problem. If you do what you enjoy, you will at least be having a good time before the people come along and judge and reject you.



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19 Oct 2020, 9:04 pm

Gentleman Argentum wrote:
I'm with this. I was pretty Goth too back in the day. Then you get old and you discover, I have to pay the rent. :mrgreen:

I try to blend in @ work especially. You don't want to be odd one out. I become what others want me to be, grow into a role. Other people help, they want you to evolve as well and constantly will supply pointers to nudge you in the right direction.

Yep, it is all about earning that dinero! There are other advantages too like the job getting plain easier when people relax and accept you because you become like part of the family.

My inner weirdness, that is just for me, myself and I. My cats think I'm perfectly normal though, I've got them fooled.


:mrgreen:


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19 Oct 2020, 9:24 pm

malavois wrote:
I used to hate myself so much. I'd swing between being damn proud of how weird I am to being deeply ashamed of how weird I am. The weirdness sometimes manifests as creativity or unexpected humor, which makes people like me and makes me proud to be unique. But then the weirdness sometimes manifests as interest in something really fringe, or a preference for doing things that others find unappealing, and then people don't like me and I feel bad about myself.


I'm not that fussed if someone doesn't like my unique humour.
My creatively is *mostly* for myself, without any need of acclamation.
Being appreciated is simply the icing on the cake, and not the cake itself. 8)

You can shrug off the negative thoughts of others.
They are dickheads, so who cares what they think?
But it can be annoying.
I don't depend on others for self-esteem. 8)

malavois wrote:
I To be honest, I still do hate myself sometimes. Finding out I have ASD has been monumental in allowing me to be kinder to myself and to forgive myself. I sometimes still "forget" that I have trouble with some things because I am autistic, and fall back into old habits of thinking I'm a stupid jerk who doesn't deserve good things. But then I remember and that level of perspective is enough to curb the worst of the self-loathing.


Thinking you are a stupid jerk is stupid jerk thinking.
Stop it. :mrgreen:

Have you ever worked out why you feel a need put yourself down?
It is totally unproductive, and it isn't going to change anything for the better.
You still have to live your life regardless if you have a daggy self-opinion, or you embrace the bliss of Pepe type self-appreciation. 8)

malavois wrote:
I As annoying as it is to hear this, it's also extremely true: this changes as you get older. I remember my mid-20s so clearly. I was so unhappy. But now....I just don't care as much anymore. When I do care, it can still hurt and I may still feel bad about myself. It just happens WAY less often.


I can't remember the last time I self-flagellated.
Who are you trying to impress?
Your parents? :scratch:

malavois wrote:

It's painful to be judged and rejected by people who don't understand or agree with you, but no matter what you do, there will be people who judge and reject you.


There a lot of unenlightened dickheads in the world.
I overwhelmingly simply ignore the bastardos. 8)
That royally pisses them off, and that makes *me* feel good. lol

malavois wrote:
I That is unfortunately also inevitable. But that's their problem. If you do what you enjoy, you will at least be having a good time before the people come along and judge and reject you.


Again, why do you care if some dickhead has a negative opinion of you. 8)


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19 Oct 2020, 10:29 pm

Pepe wrote:
Have you ever worked out why you feel a need put yourself down?
It is totally unproductive, and it isn't going to change anything for the better.
You still have to live your life regardless if you have a daggy self-opinion, or you embrace the bliss of Pepe type self-appreciation. 8)


Would that I could just shut it off to live in Nirvana-level self-love.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the underlying source of all of the sentiments expressed in this thread caring about what others think? Not caring would be awesome, but then there would be no motivating interest to connect with people, no? Isn’t weirdness identified by people outside of yourself anyway? I’m not too weird for MYSELF



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21 Oct 2020, 2:50 am

malavois wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Have you ever worked out why you feel a need put yourself down?
It is totally unproductive, and it isn't going to change anything for the better.
You still have to live your life regardless if you have a daggy self-opinion, or you embrace the bliss of Pepe type self-appreciation. 8)


Would that I could just shut it off to live in Nirvana-level self-love.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the underlying source of all of the sentiments expressed in this thread caring about what others think? Not caring would be awesome, but then there would be no motivating interest to connect with people, no? Isn’t weirdness identified by people outside of yourself anyway? I’m not too weird for MYSELF


Self-love is awesome, and no, I'm not referring only to the obvious.
RuPaul has a saying, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anyone else?"

I figure that is job #1 we have each and every day. We must choose to :heart: ourselves. Not just in thoughts but deeds, like making our lives easier, taking care of body and mind, and allowing an infinite number of mistakes.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,740

21 Oct 2020, 8:56 am

"thin line between love and hate"

When you love something you waste time and energy thinking about it

When you hate something you waste time and energy thinking about it

Love and hate are not opposites

Apathetic is the opposite