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Summer_Twilight
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13 Sep 2020, 8:07 am

For several years, I have associated with a friend who lives in the same complex because we appear to have some things in common. That being said, I have recently noticed a few things about this relationship.

1. He always wants to talk about his things
A. His 20 cats
B. The problems he is going through
C. What's going on in his own life

That's okay

Yet, if I talk about anything he will respond with
1. He never seems interested in what's going on in my own life. If I tell him, it's "I don't care."
2. He never seems to that interested in my cat. Instead, he picks on me about cleaning out her litter box and taking care of her.
3. He also seems to criticize me a lot. "You worry too much about what other people think about you, you're insecure."


In all honesty, I like him as I think he is a good person with good qualities, but I wonder if they friendship is even worth it.



Pepe
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13 Sep 2020, 8:32 am

I would classify him a "Toxic" person, in your life, the way he is.

My autism made me quite self-concerned, at one time also.
I think this is common for people on the spectrum in particular.
I am assuming he isn't an aspie, though.

Perhaps you need to be more assertive and define boundaries.
There is a lot on youtube about assertiveness training which may help.
Once stated, it is up to him to decide whether the friendship is worth the effort.
No guarantees. <shrug>


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KT67
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13 Sep 2020, 8:35 am

He sounds more like a 'frenemy' than a friend.

If he's autistic, point out to him how he's acting & give him a chance to amend his ways. If he doesn't, drop him.

If he's LD, same.

If he's NT, drop him. He's being rude and selfish.



PhosphorusDecree
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13 Sep 2020, 10:37 am

Seems more like an acquaintance than a friend. You get on fine as neighbours, he has some mildly annoying aspects. Nothing to worry about- just don't expect too much of the relationship. I certainly wouldn't cut him dead over this.

Also, him only talking about "his stuff" sounds like, er, one of us.... I have a couple of not-quite-neurotypical friends where conversations end up as us taking it in turns to talk about our interests. He hasn't figured out the "taking turns" bit yet. :lol:


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Lunella
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13 Sep 2020, 11:06 am

This is actually ridiculously common with autists.

It's not that they are being self centered it's that they don't know how to ask you about you so they say stuff about them so it gages some kind of conversation where they hope you will join in and share about yourself because they can't seem to directly ask you as easily.

It's also like some forget to ask about the other person, doesn't mean they don't care about them it's just a social issue.

This is why some autistic people get on so well because they both talk about themselves and pick bits of conversation they are interested in from each others information about themselves.

In reality though, this is actually really bad behaviour and you seriously need to be asking each other about each other. It might be worth mentioning if they are a close friend what they are doing in the nicest way possible and make sure you tell them you don't mean to disrespect them and it's something you have noticed.

When you go on about yourself too much - people don't want to know. They want people who are 50/50 with caring about each other and what the other has to say about the others situation.

It's confusing but it's some kind of psychological error I've often seen with a lot of ASD people.


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Summer_Twilight
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13 Sep 2020, 11:15 am

I never thought about him being more of an acquaintance than a friend since I have been to his house and dinner and played with his cats. He used to also take care of my other cat before he died. I also rode in his car to drop off a raccoon one time, but it never got beyond that. Maybe that's why things are getting awkward.

As for him being on the spectrum, no doubt. Still, he's in his 70s and I don't think I can correct him at this point as he is already pretty set in his ways.

Characteristics
1. He has a lower tolerance if people don't get the details right on his stories - he got snappy with me a few times
2. Everything has to be so when taking care of cats
3. He appears to live in his own world as he has a lot on his plate
4. He hates it when I talk about myself and especially when I go into every detail



Noble Glomad
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13 Sep 2020, 4:34 pm

He sounds like a normal rude NT, with little understanding of communication skills, just good at talking about themselves and hopeless at listening.

I might have said this differently on another day, but today I've been suffering from a normal rude NT, and I've just about had it with them all :D



Noble Glomad
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13 Sep 2020, 4:37 pm

Pepe wrote:

Perhaps you need to be more assertive and define boundaries.


Oh yes, boundaries, Pepe would you care to share some ideas/ experiences/ YT links, I find boundaries such a challenge :mrgreen:



Summer_Twilight
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13 Sep 2020, 5:03 pm

Noble Glomad wrote:
He sounds like a normal rude NT, with little understanding of communication skills, just good at talking about themselves and hopeless at listening.

I might have said this differently on another day, but today I've been suffering from a normal rude NT, and I've just about had it with them all :D


I know right? I has a chance to talk about this situation and just about everyone agrees that this relationship is not healthy for the following reasons

1. He likes to hear himself talk while using me the play the role of the therapist while he doesn't care about me
2. He doesn't like to like me or anything I do or have to have
3. He's controlling and nosy
5. He's a negative and unhappy person
6. He's selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed

So yeah, from here on out, I will be ghosting him and and avoiding him at all costs because he's just not worth my time or effort



DesertWoman
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26 Sep 2020, 12:36 am

I think you should be honest with your friend. Be gutsy. Friends are hard to come by. And if you stand up to this person, I think they'll respect you even more. If not, you can make new friends.


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emotrtkey
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26 Sep 2020, 5:34 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
For several years, I have associated with a friend who lives in the same complex because we appear to have some things in common. That being said, I have recently noticed a few things about this relationship.

1. He always wants to talk about his things
A. His 20 cats
B. The problems he is going through
C. What's going on in his own life

That's okay

Yet, if I talk about anything he will respond with
1. He never seems interested in what's going on in my own life. If I tell him, it's "I don't care."
2. He never seems to that interested in my cat. Instead, he picks on me about cleaning out her litter box and taking care of her.
3. He also seems to criticize me a lot. "You worry too much about what other people think about you, you're insecure."


In all honesty, I like him as I think he is a good person with good qualities, but I wonder if they friendship is even worth it.


I don't think it's worth being friends with selfish people. They'll use you but if you need help, they won't care or be there for you. If he wants friends, he needs to quit being so self-absorbed and start caring about other people besides himself.



PhosphorusDecree
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27 Sep 2020, 6:16 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I never thought about him being more of an acquaintance than a friend since I have been to his house and dinner and played with his cats. He used to also take care of my other cat before he died. I also rode in his car to drop off a raccoon one time, but it never got beyond that. Maybe that's why things are getting awkward.

As for him being on the spectrum, no doubt. Still, he's in his 70s and I don't think I can correct him at this point as he is already pretty set in his ways.

Characteristics
1. He has a lower tolerance if people don't get the details right on his stories - he got snappy with me a few times
2. Everything has to be so when taking care of cats
3. He appears to live in his own world as he has a lot on his plate
4. He hates it when I talk about myself and especially when I go into every detail


Ah, it all makes sense now! This is one of the primeval Aspies that roamed the Earth before we all got neurotic about acting neurotypical... It's also pretty cool that the two of you have a raccoon story.


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Pepe
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27 Sep 2020, 7:44 am

Lunella wrote:

When you go on about yourself too much - people don't want to know. They want people who are 50/50 with caring about each other and what the other has to say about the others situation.

It's confusing but it's some kind of psychological error I've often seen with a lot of ASD people.


Mutual existential verification is important, yes. 8)


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Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


Pepe
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27 Sep 2020, 7:52 am

Noble Glomad wrote:
Pepe wrote:

Perhaps you need to be more assertive and define boundaries.


Oh yes, boundaries, Pepe would you care to share some ideas/ experiences/ YT links, I find boundaries such a challenge :mrgreen:


Just do a youtube search on "Assertiveness". :wink:

The one thing I don't like about "Assertiveness Training" is the assumption you are dealing with a reasonable person.
Sometimes people on the other side don't deserve your respect. 8)


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


honeytoast
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28 Sep 2020, 12:39 am

Everyone is saying good advice, so will say something else: how does a person live with 20 cats? :lol:


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adromedanblackhole
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30 Sep 2020, 12:54 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
For several years, I have associated with a friend who lives in the same complex because we appear to have some things in common. That being said, I have recently noticed a few things about this relationship.

1. He always wants to talk about his things
A. His 20 cats
B. The problems he is going through
C. What's going on in his own life

That's okay

Yet, if I talk about anything he will respond with
1. He never seems interested in what's going on in my own life. If I tell him, it's "I don't care."
2. He never seems to that interested in my cat. Instead, he picks on me about cleaning out her litter box and taking care of her.
3. He also seems to criticize me a lot. "You worry too much about what other people think about you, you're insecure."


In all honesty, I like him as I think he is a good person with good qualities, but I wonder if they friendship is even worth it.


I'm sorry my friend but I've also very recently came to the same conclusion about a friend that I would have formerly referred to as one of my best friends.

Whenever I open up and talk about something legitimately painful, she completely ignores what was said and changes the subject. I've called her out on it before yesterday and she never apologizes, just redirects the conversation about something negative about me. The first time this happened she went into a diatribe about how I have a problem making friends with people. Um, yes. I'm aware? And the problem is that people rarely seem interested when I start sharing my pain which for me is the measure of a true friendship. So in other words ... what had just transpired before she decided to read off all my flaws in response to me pointing out how she ignores when I open up to her .... mmmk

Just last night it happened again, shared a deeply held pain point to which she completely ignored and just started asking me questions about one of my obsessions to see if it would help her at work with a coworker who makes her feel uncomfortable. I asked her if she just sees me as a reference guide because she has a consistent history with this behavior and then of course rather than apologize she proceeded with a character assault.

Seems like emotional abuse, I'm out.

So yes, I very much understand you and how this person was making you feel. The more I'm choosing to study how "normal" people interact and make friends the more it becomes clear how important it is to never cast yourself in a position of weakness because it attracts people who feed off of this. So if you've long felt very different from people and seek friendship as an ally in life, a trusted confidant you can open up to and seek out someone to share mutual understanding and share or sooth each other's pain, beware. I really don't believe the basic human being is capable of perceiving other people as anything but a dominance rival or someone to prey on. If you want to build friendships along the lines that most "normal" people have, just seek out activity partners and rarely talk about your inner world and you'll be fine.