Understanding inappropriate topics of conversation

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hurtloam
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14 Sep 2020, 5:03 pm

Over the past few days it has become apparent to me that someone I know can't tell what's an appropriate thing to say in conversation and what is not. Just because something is true or is interesting to you doesn't mean you can just say it to people.

I tried explaining why a black person will not want you, a white person, to comment on their facial features. I don't think I explained it clearly enough. This person now thinks "you can't say anything to anyone these days". When I explained that people just want to be left to get on with things without attention being drawn to them. They took it to mean everyone just wants to be ignored and be unfriendly.

Argh!

Did I explain this badly? It seems obvious to me why you shouldn't point out people's facial features. I get a bit irritated when people ask me if I'm Italian. Yes, thanks for drawing attention to the fact that I look different to the general population around us... Not.

I'm not actually Italian anyway.

When you point out something people have been bullied about they're going to go on the defensive.



B.Sisko
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14 Sep 2020, 6:19 pm

My ex boss had a glass eye , and I was fascinated by it lol I asked him questions about it and he had funny stories about it too. Other people thought I was being inappropriate but my boss was fine about it , calling him cyclops in jest might have been where I crossed the line though :mrgreen:


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14 Sep 2020, 6:31 pm

B.Sisko wrote:
My ex boss had a glass eye , and I was fascinated by it lol I asked him questions about it and he had funny stories about it too. Other people thought I was being inappropriate but my boss was fine about it , calling him cyclops in jest might have been where I crossed the line though :mrgreen:



ooopppss ... yes cyclops might have been alittle bit much , if the person is being self derogatory , self effacing , and it is about there appearance .
it may be considered to be sort of alright , possibly not in best taste on their own part , but definitely , bad taste on the part of any outside persons .
Noted by observation amongst NT interactions.


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strings
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14 Sep 2020, 6:32 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Over the past few days it has become apparent to me that someone I know can't tell what's an appropriate thing to say in conversation and what is not. Just because something is true or is interesting to you doesn't mean you can just say it to people.

I tried explaining why a black person will not want you, a white person, to comment on their facial features. I don't think I explained it clearly enough. This person now thinks "you can't say anything to anyone these days". When I explained that people just want to be left to get on with things without attention being drawn to them. They took it to mean everyone just wants to be ignored and be unfriendly.

Argh!

Did I explain this badly? It seems obvious to me why you shouldn't point out people's facial features. I get a bit irritated when people ask me if I'm Italian. Yes, thanks for drawing attention to the fact that I look different to the general population around us... Not.

I'm not actually Italian anyway.

When you point out something people have been bullied about they're going to go on the defensive.


Maybe I'm just revealing my own lack of sense of what is appropriate, but I would have thought it would depend on whether one were saying nice things or nasty things about the person's face. I don't see why there would be a blanket rule about such things. And I don't see why the colour of the person speaking, or the person they are talking to, is particularly relevant. Again, of course, presuming that one were saying something nice about the other person's face.



Jakki
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14 Sep 2020, 6:44 pm

that malignant overgrowth attached to your face is very becoming . this might be a backwards way of commenting on anoithers appearance . And may not be appreciated .


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hurtloam
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14 Sep 2020, 6:57 pm

strings wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Over the past few days it has become apparent to me that someone I know can't tell what's an appropriate thing to say in conversation and what is not. Just because something is true or is interesting to you doesn't mean you can just say it to people.

I tried explaining why a black person will not want you, a white person, to comment on their facial features. I don't think I explained it clearly enough. This person now thinks "you can't say anything to anyone these days". When I explained that people just want to be left to get on with things without attention being drawn to them. They took it to mean everyone just wants to be ignored and be unfriendly.

Argh!

Did I explain this badly? It seems obvious to me why you shouldn't point out people's facial features. I get a bit irritated when people ask me if I'm Italian. Yes, thanks for drawing attention to the fact that I look different to the general population around us... Not.

I'm not actually Italian anyway.

When you point out something people have been bullied about they're going to go on the defensive.


Maybe I'm just revealing my own lack of sense of what is appropriate, but I would have thought it would depend on whether one were saying nice things or nasty things about the person's face. I don't see why there would be a blanket rule about such things. And I don't see why the colour of the person speaking, or the person they are talking to, is particularly relevant. Again, of course, presuming that one were saying something nice about the other person's face.


Because those of us with a diverse ethnic background have non-white features that are not viewed as beautiful in general society and normally have it pointed out as a bad thing.

So even when it is pointed out as a compliment, it's an unwelcome comment because we're still being singled out as different. We just want to be free of scrutiny.

It's not your fault, person giving compliment, but being singled out for our exoticness is still uncomfortable.



hurtloam
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14 Sep 2020, 6:59 pm

B.Sisko wrote:
My ex boss had a glass eye , and I was fascinated by it lol I asked him questions about it and he had funny stories about it too. Other people thought I was being inappropriate but my boss was fine about it , calling him cyclops in jest might have been where I crossed the line though :mrgreen:


Good point. It's ok if the other person is ok with it and you have a rapport. Maybe not such a good idea to ask a waiter about it when they're just trying to take your order.



B.Sisko
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14 Sep 2020, 7:03 pm

I also knew a girl named Molly and she had a large facial mole , it took an enormous amount of effort not to call her "Moley" , it was like trying to suppress a sneeze.


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Last edited by B.Sisko on 14 Sep 2020, 7:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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14 Sep 2020, 7:05 pm

I had to learn appropriate topics of conversation “the hard way.”

When I was 15, I commented on a young girl’s mustache. I also told a girl who was bothering me that she’s acting like she’s having her period.

Throughout my childhood, my family was very vigilant as far as I “not saying the wrong thing” was concerned.



hurtloam
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14 Sep 2020, 7:21 pm

Oh, since we're confessing things I told a very ill and large lady that she was fat in a shop when I was a kid. My Mum gave me a rollicking once I was dragged out of the shop by the scruff of my neck. It was common knowledge that this woman was ill. Child me didn't know.

That's probably why I'm careful about what I say to people in public places.

Ah ha. The penny has dropped for me here. That's why what my friend said to the woman we met bugged me and I had such a strong reaction.



kraftiekortie
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14 Sep 2020, 7:26 pm

I once asked a person in the street why is she fat? I was also fat at that time.

To this day, my brother is super paranoid that Im going to say the wrong thing in front of people. Ironically, he’s the type to arrange to fight people from the Internet.



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15 Sep 2020, 12:29 am

hurtloam wrote:
Over the past few days it has become apparent to me that someone I know can't tell what's an appropriate thing to say in conversation and what is not. Just because something is true or is interesting to you doesn't mean you can just say it to people.

I tried explaining why a black person will not want you, a white person, to comment on their facial features. I don't think I explained it clearly enough. This person now thinks "you can't say anything to anyone these days". When I explained that people just want to be left to get on with things without attention being drawn to them. They took it to mean everyone just wants to be ignored and be unfriendly.

Argh!

Did I explain this badly? It seems obvious to me why you shouldn't point out people's facial features. I get a bit irritated when people ask me if I'm Italian. Yes, thanks for drawing attention to the fact that I look different to the general population around us... Not.

I'm not actually Italian anyway.

When you point out something people have been bullied about they're going to go on the defensive.


Is it wrong of me to point out you look very pink, and should probably stay out of the sun, for a while? :scratch:


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Pepe
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15 Sep 2020, 12:32 am

Jakki wrote:
that malignant overgrowth attached to your face is very becoming . this might be a backwards way of commenting on anoithers appearance . And may not be appreciated .


Matie, your left eye has fallen out of its socket.
I think you should go to the hospital.
Is this acceptable? :mrgreen:


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Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


Pepe
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15 Sep 2020, 12:36 am

B.Sisko wrote:
I also knew a girl named Molly and she had a large facial mole , it took an enormous amount of effort not to call her "Moley" , it was like trying to suppress a sneeze.



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Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


KT67
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15 Sep 2020, 3:50 am

I got in trouble with other Celtic fans for saying 'well actually [famous criminal from my home town] was a Celtic fan'. You're not meant to be honest if it makes your own side look bad.

I got in trouble for breaking a silence by saying 'I think we should remember the people they killed instead'. You can only do that in certain places - basically if a group disrupts. It's better to just think it in your head & keep silence for those people. A lot of people just think the silence is for world war 2 anyway, and it would take a scumbag to be against those heroes.

When I was younger if someone would point out my height by giving me a kid's menu or something (I always looked young for my age) I thought it was a personal attack, so I'd insult their looks right back at them. Or when I was 18 and asked for alcohol I'd say 'I'm 18, just because I don't have wrinkles like you doesn't mean I'm not an adult'.

I was in a corner shop in my teens & I didn't know who was serving. I'd just come back from holiday where all the sweets which weren't local were really expensive. I made the mistake of saying 'I'm glad I'm back in my own coutnry so I've got cheap British sweets back'. Mum told me that was rude because the guy behind the counter was Asian. Tbh I still don't get that one? Guy wasn't born abroad (I think - he had a local accent), he just had brown skin?

I made the mistake of telling an American behind a counter that I found American dollars hard to understand as they're all green. He kept $10 to himself. I gave him a $20 for something that cost $10 and he kept the change 8O Never admit to anyone behind a counter that you find the money hard cos they might rip you off.



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15 Sep 2020, 5:00 am

KT67 wrote:
I got in trouble with other Celtic fans for saying 'well actually [famous criminal from my home town] was a Celtic fan'. You're not meant to be honest if it makes your own side look bad.


Yes,
To many NTs, it is all about supporting "your" tribe.
To many Auties, it is about personal integrity.

We make up around 3% of the population.
Guess who makes the rules. 8O


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)