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susysu
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01 Oct 2020, 11:00 pm

I get incredibly anxious when I know I need to do something social, especially meeting up with my husband's friends. For example, we bought tickets to go to a concert with his friends, and for over a month beforehand I was feeling extremely on edge about it. He knows I feel this way, and never pushes me to attend events, dinners etc with him and his friends, but I feel really guilty about always saying no. When I've not gone along for a long time, I'll force myself to go, because of the guilt, or because I feel like I 'should' do this as his wife - and I tell myself 'you'll enjoy it when you get there'. But of course I hate it, and just sit there with a big fake smile, just ~coping~ until it's time to go home.

I do enjoy occasional socialising, but only with my friends who I feel comfortable with (there's only a few of them), and always only in very small groups. I think living with my husband meets my social needs, so besides going for a coffee with one of my friends once a month or so, I don't feel any need to meet up with other people. This is more and more the case as I get older (I'm 30-ish).

I guess I want to know if it's okay to feel like this (the anxiety, the intense desire to avoid these situations, the guilt...). Should my husband accept that because of my autism I "can't" hang out with him and his friends? Or do I need to force myself to hang out occasionally because it's kind and respectful to my husband? Even though the anxiety is getting worse and worse these days. I don't know.

Would really appreciate any thoughts! :)



AuroraBorealisGazer
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01 Oct 2020, 11:09 pm

I think it's definitely okay to feel that way (also I can't think of a time when feelings of anxiety could be deemed "not okay"). I have the same feelings whenever I have to socialize (which is a rare occurrence luckily). As far as whether you should attend things with your husband occasionally, that's really up to you and him. You should both make a decision that will be best for your relationship. You could talk with him about it to see how he feels when he attends without you.



Pepe
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02 Oct 2020, 12:04 am

susysu wrote:
I get incredibly anxious when I know I need to do something social, especially meeting up with my husband's friends.


Can't your husband meet *your* friends?
Problem solved. 8)

Or,

Ditch the husband and get a labrador.
Problem solved. 8)

There you go,
2 solutions.
How many do you need? :scratch: :mrgreen:


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susysu
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02 Oct 2020, 1:43 am

Yeah, whether it's "okay" was probably me not putting my thoughts into words very well :D I guess I'm just struggling with the idea of using autism as an "excuse" to not do things.

I'll definitely talk to him about how he feels when he goes out without me. Good idea :)

I do often hang out with him and *my* friends, which is partly why I feel bad about not wanting to go out with *his* friends! I wish I could somehow skip through the whole awkward, painful "getting to know you" part and just be friends with his friends already.

Ditching all of this and living alone with a labrador will definitely be Plan B :lol: :lol: :lol:



Pepe
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02 Oct 2020, 6:19 am

susysu wrote:
Yeah, whether it's "okay" was probably me not putting my thoughts into words very well :D I guess I'm just struggling with the idea of using autism as an "excuse" to not do things.

I'll definitely talk to him about how he feels when he goes out without me. Good idea :)

I do often hang out with him and *my* friends, which is partly why I feel bad about not wanting to go out with *his* friends! I wish I could somehow skip through the whole awkward, painful "getting to know you" part and just be friends with his friends already.

Ditching all of this and living alone with a labrador will definitely be Plan B :lol: :lol: :lol:


I literally have no real-life social life.
I prefer it that way. :wink:

I am pretty much a "Hikikomori". 8)


_________________
Laughter is the best medicine. Age-appropriate behaviour is an arbitrary NT social construct.
Don't tell me white lies. Gaslight me at your peril. Don't give me your bad attitude.
If I'm so bad, pass me by. ;)


And one more thing,




Truth may be inconvenient but it is never politically incorrect...The Oracle of Truth has spoken...8)


PiersBall
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02 Oct 2020, 7:55 am

I know how it feels, but I don't know what I can do to get rid of anxiety?



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02 Oct 2020, 8:26 am

What I find through experience, is that if I am able to just go straight into something without having to wait for a specific appointment, I am ok. It is the waiting which brings on the anxiety. If I could wake up and get ready and go straight there... I can keep my mind off thinking about it and I am also in a "Lets get this done" attitude.

For me the worst case scinario is having appointments I am stressed about which have a long wait especially when I know what is involved and I do not like it like a dentists appointment. I can ave anxiety overload running in the background for months. One appointment to have a tooth taken out took 5 years (My Mum had to wait 8 years) due to our NHS waiting lists here in Wales (UK). I daily had background anxiety years before I finally had the work done. I had the same anxiety five years earlier as I did the day before the appointment!

BUT, if I could have just made a decision one day that my tooth needs to be eemoved, and then I could walk straight in and be seen... I would be nurvous, but the esculating tsunami of anxiety would have been avoided.


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