People who act like this stuck on themselves?

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Hi:
I want to know if you think people who keep finding negative qualities or traits in other people are stuck on themselves. All the while, they don't make and self-improvements or any form of growth.

I don't know about that; we can never know for certain what goes on in other people's minds.  I have noticed that people who criticize others tend to also express disdain for other people's complaints -- but this is just a subjective observation, not a social experiment or judgement call.

I have no idea whether or not they are stuck on themselves...not even sure what that means.

What I have learned is: People who are constantly negative have a deleterious effect on my emotional health. I avoid them as much as possible.

Stuck oneself means that you tend to think you are better than everyone else

Also, I am referring to people who seem to want to meet people, make friends, spend time with them and go behind their back and talk about their flaws.

Oh, you mean conceited.

I would have to agree that there is a tendency for apparently conceited people to criticize others.

"I don't know, all they want to do is talk about this or that."

Hmm, yes: perhaps "conceited."

1) But aren't such constant criticizers or complainers of other people (vs things, ideas, plans, etc.) aren't they also having some long standing insecurity or frustration?

Somewhat related to this, I like a couple of things from the video "21 Days Without Complaining" on You Tube. (First, I like his definition of complaining vs not-a-complaint: "It is not complaining if you speak DIRECTLY and ONLY to the person who can resolve the issue."* 2:38 Dictionary: "Express grief, pain, or discontent"... which, if done all the time and to people who have no control over the remedy, it obviously hasn't worked for [us] constant complainers.)

Second, (slightly more relevant) he summarizes some reasons he thinks people complain:
G = Get Attention ... b/c people have an innate need to be noticed.
R = Remove responsibility (e.g. avoid work...)
I = Inspire envy (i.e. indirectly brag...)
P = Power
E = Excuse poor performance

I'm definitely guilty of the G, R, and E parts. The 21 Day No Complaint ideas--while not REMOVING my tendancy/habit of complaining/criticizing--has at least effectively neutralized a fair amount of my internal expectations that complaining/criticizing to anyone w/o direct (or reasonable indirect) control over my issues... is just not going to yield any forward results. And, if I actually expect any results, I need to take more personal responsibility.

BTW, he gives advice on how to respond to these folks later in the 25min. video. (I won't try summarizing it here, since I'd likely botch that up.)

*(and if you're respectful and offer facts--or perhaps only personal emotions, NOT judgements)


2) And, if someone is constantly criticizing or judging people, their feelings, or their plans... then I'd hazard an additional "armchair quarterback" guess that they are crossing some personal boundaries about other people's business--or trying to... at least some of the time.**

**(Unless they are a boss/parent/teacher/coach--and then I'd hazardous the guess that they are likely just a very poor motivator AND poor communicator: if they can't take ownership/responsibility for the quality of their own instructions, requirements, training, and team building?)

You mean "Putzes"?
I think they are just putzes who like to pull other people down to make themselves feel better.

Oooo, Oooo!
Fnord said something.


I think it is more the case of insecure people attacking others to make themselves feel better.
People who are self-confident, like moi, usually don't need to engage in this sort of behaviour.


I guess it is a case of different people having different motivating factors. <shrug>

Last edited by Pepe on 05 Oct 2020, 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, it takes all kinds.
I am sure there are a lot of people who want to make friends who don't do that.

But, yes, different levels of gossiping, or information gathering, is often a feature of human interaction.
As Fnord Pepe says: "Blame the evolution process".

This sounds like humans in general.

I knew a woman like this. She actually SAID that she is better than anyone else, and held her nose in the air. She said that all of her colleagues were scum and that she wouldn't be seen dead being friendly with them outside of work. But in front of everyone she was fake and everyone was completely fooled and thought she was wonderful. Even I was fooled at first, until I started to discover how bad she was at telling lies and I sussed her out. That caused an argument between us and that was when she told me about her colleagues all being scum.
And then when I got a job in the same company, she suddenly resigned, probably because of panicking that I would tell everyone all the bad things she told me about them and also she was afraid of everyone finding out about her lies (which I haven't told anyone about because I'm not that sort of person).

She's just a b***h. Too bad I ever got involved with her in the beginning.

Joe90, she sounds like your typical narcissist.

Back when I was 20, I moved in with two roommates who thought they were better and found every excuse to be mean to people. Both of them made it clear they disliked me.

Roommate A was very selective of who she liked and would be "nice to them." With everyone else, she thought she would get away talking and acting anyway she wanted.
A. She would yell and nag at me until I would cry

Roommate B was "Nice" but she did things that were more sneaky. For example, she invited me to one of her parties was out of obligation. She made that clear through her actions.
A. She would not let me be in pictures with her friends and colleagues
B. She was not all that excited to have me there
C. She gave me a hard time after that party for things I did while she was often guilty of the same things

People behave the way they behave for a variety of reasons, and no one knows what those reasons are without knowing those people.

Gossiping and backstabbing are ways people can fit in socially, ways to exert power over others, ways to create drama and excitement, ways to explore others' personalities, etc. etc. there are other reasons to do it.