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KT67
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09 Oct 2020, 5:57 am

This is maybe bad generic advice but it's for anyone in the position I used to be in...

I used to worry that if I got someone a good present, they would expect a good present every single year. And if I failed one year, they would think I didn't love them or (in the case of friends) like them as much anymore. I also used to balance up what they got me with what I got them.

Maybe in the case of friends who aren't life long friends or close friends, this is a good idea.

But when it comes to family interactions, forget that. Your family know you love them. Your family will try to do right by you and get you something they think you'll like. Get them something you know they'll like instead. And the year after? If it's not as big? So what, you already got them something great the year before. They'll know you're trying.

Typing this after getting my cousin a card and some chocolates & I'm going to get her a book by my favourite author because it's new and we both like reading similar books. In the past I'd have avoided going to that much effort in case she didn't reciprocate or in case I forgot to do that well in the future. But that's silly. What matters is this birthday she has coming up.



Danusaurus
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09 Oct 2020, 6:24 am

KT67 wrote:
This is maybe bad generic advice but it's for anyone in the position I used to be in...

I used to worry that if I got someone a good present, they would expect a good present every single year. And if I failed one year, they would think I didn't love them or (in the case of friends) like them as much anymore. I also used to balance up what they got me with what I got them.

Maybe in the case of friends who aren't life long friends or close friends, this is a good idea.

But when it comes to family interactions, forget that. Your family know you love them. Your family will try to do right by you and get you something they think you'll like. Get them something you know they'll like instead. And the year after? If it's not as big? So what, you already got them something great the year before. They'll know you're trying.

Typing this after getting my cousin a card and some chocolates & I'm going to get her a book by my favourite author because it's new and we both like reading similar books. In the past I'd have avoided going to that much effort in case she didn't reciprocate or in case I forgot to do that well in the future. But that's silly. What matters is this birthday she has coming up.


I tend to have a stupid belief that I can buy Friends and will go to many lengths to fit in or similar. With cigarettes and money etc but I am stopping this gradually as I am finding people seem to be kinda taking advantage of this. I once upset my sister when she got a gift for me and I remember saying " ohh saved the worse gift for last" I'm assuming that it hurt her feelings which I do feel bad about to this day so I think it plays a part in emotionally trying to make up for this event plus I used to joke that every occasion that required me to get someone a gift I wouldn't (used to say it's coming from other side of the country) knowing that I didn't get them anything because of the reasons you said above so I can relate to that. And think I try make up for this now with acquaintances as I don't have friends and my family don't really talk much to me and this could be because of the above also. Except my mom she helps me and I help her. K I have to call her back now ignored her call so I could say this. Well.. type it. :?

Dani.



KT67
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09 Oct 2020, 9:08 am

Yeah I used to be rude or just upset about what my auntie bought me. She'd always buy me womenswear. And it would always be awful uncomfortable stuff. Purely because I like her aesthetic. I do like her aesthetic - for her age and gender, not to copy, I think she looks like a classy lady in her 50s but I don't want to dress like her.

Turns out that using an aspie strength (honesty) with an NT strength (tact) was my best way forward. I started asking her politely for what I wanted while emphasising a bond between us ('you'll know the best oil pastels to get as you're an artist yourself, I value your judgement' for eg). She appreciated the hints and started getting me stuff I wanted.

Lying and then being tactless was a really bad idea. But I was a teenager and in my early 20s and was convinced nobody 'got me'. Which was true, cos I was autistic & they knew that & I kept lying like the worst stereotype of an NT.

It's ok for kids to be brutal though. My cousin got given a bunch of gifts from her paternal grandparents at Christmas one year when she was about 4 and she didn't like them so she chucked them all over the floor with 'don't want that, don't want that' after each one. Still makes us laugh over 20 years later :lol: To be fair, she was made to do a 'thank you for my presents' phone call afterwards.

I don't see non-family members at Christmas so I just keep the stuff that comes from family friends which is good stuff (have one family friend I've not seen since I was 15 and she's amazing at getting me stuff and only bothers cos mum does the same with her kids), and regift the stuff which doesn't match me. Trying for no emotion involved as these people don't actually know me beyond the fact I'm 32 and afab so can't be expected to get it right so just rely on stereotype or what they'd like themselves at my age.



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09 Oct 2020, 9:11 am

I worry about giving gifts, but in my case it's mostly about not wanting to risk wasting money on something the person won't even like. That's why I don't buy anything expensive for others unless I'm very convinced they'll like it. Of course, I also like it when people like what I got them. If that something is expensive, the feeling I get is all the better 'cause I know the money wasn't wasted. Not that I can afford to buy expensive gifts often, so I kind of take turns on which family member gets an expensive gift this year and which next. Though to be honest, my mom is the easiest to find good stuff for so that leads to her getting them more. My little sister used to be very easy to please too, but she's not so little anymore and it's gotten harder to find something she'll like and that I can afford.



Danusaurus
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11 Oct 2020, 4:27 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
I worry about giving gifts, but in my case it's mostly about not wanting to risk wasting money on something the person won't even like. That's why I don't buy anything expensive for others unless I'm very convinced they'll like it. Of course, I also like it when people like what I got them. If that something is expensive, the feeling I get is all the better 'cause I know the money wasn't wasted. Not that I can afford to buy expensive gifts often, so I kind of take turns on which family member gets an expensive gift this year and which next. Though to be honest, my mom is the easiest to find good stuff for so that leads to her getting them more. My little sister used to be very easy to please too, but she's not so little anymore and it's gotten harder to find something she'll like and that I can afford.


Totally am the same in my own way that I apply this principle too. I for exampie , my mom one year really wanted a Dyson vaccume a cordless one though she had regular biggest Dyson anyhow. Somthis is one gift I went out of my to get it. I mush rather give than receive anyhow but reciprocal effort in return every now and then would be nice. If I borrow I was.way give back with interest. I used to lie to myself and make jokes of late gifts that never come cause I beat saying sorry I can't decide on a gift for people and I'm struggling with it.. I'd only look stupid. My biggest regret on a simple level, was the wife would ensure every b day or Father's Day for me (school gifts children buy to celebrate these occasions.. she'd never fail ever in making sure I had gifts from the kids, never once did I return the favour and have to kids buy her something for Mother's Day, bday etc..



Mona Pereth
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14 Oct 2020, 1:27 am

Personally, when I was around 20 years old, I made a decision to cut ritualized gift-giving out of my life completely, because it was just too much hassle for too little reward. I told everyone in my life that I wanted neither to give nor to receive gifts for holidays or birthdays.

I can't cope with holiday hustle and bustle. I need my holidays to be a time to relax, not a time for even more stress than normal.


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kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2020, 5:17 pm

I love Amazon for that very reason LOL No trips to stores. No lines. No hassle!



Mona Pereth
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15 Oct 2020, 2:43 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I love Amazon for that very reason LOL No trips to stores. No lines. No hassle!

Except that it might be a hassle for the recipient, especially if they live in an apartment building without a doorman. Package theft seems to be a growing problem, around here at least.

Also, assuming the package does not get stolen or damaged, if it gets delivered when the person is not home, there is no consistent pattern about where the package gets left.

You can send the package with a tracking number and require a signature, but then, if the person is not home, they have to go out and pick up the package. This can be a VERY annoying hassle, especially for someone who does not have a car. (Many people here in NYC, including myself, do not own cars.) It's an especially annoying hassle if the package was sent via private carrier rather than via the Post Office. Here in Queens at least, the private carriers all like to put their package-pickup offices in out-of-the-way locations that are not accessible via public transportation (probably because their rent would be too high in places that ARE accessible to public transportation). So, the recipient has to pay a car service fee to get there.

On the other hand, if the person IS home when the package is delivered, this means the person gets an unexpected knock on their door, from someone they did not invite over to their place. You should be advised that lots of people, at least here in NYC, including myself, REALLY dislike unexpected knocks on our doors.


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kraftiekortie
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15 Oct 2020, 5:57 am

I understand everything you’re saying.

I live in an apartment without a doorman. I do own a car, though. I understand, well, the inconvenience of not having a car available. I didn’t own a car until age 51. No license until age 37.

There is the occasional theft in my neighborhood...but, by and large, my experience with Amazon has been positive.

Once in a while, they ring the bell. Most of the time, they just leave the package.

You don’t think I know New York? I’ve lived in NYC all my life. I don’t like unexpected knocks on my door.



Mona Pereth
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16 Oct 2020, 12:23 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I understand everything you’re saying.

I live in an apartment without a doorman.

In an apartment building, or an upstairs apartment in a two or three family house?

kraftiekortie wrote:
I do own a car, though. I understand, well, the inconvenience of not having a car available.

But if one happens to live near a subway, the lack of a car is not necessarily too inconvenient except when one is going somewhere that is not easily accessible by subway. Even better, it's great to live in a neighborhood where one can get most of what one needs by simply walking to local stores, and where almost everything else is easily available via subway.

(Well, these days, thanks to CoViD, I'm staying off the subway. But almost everything I need is within walking distance, fortunately.)

For me, private carrier package pickup offices are among the very few things I might need to go to that are not within walking distance and not easily accessible by public transportation either.

kraftiekortie wrote:
I didn’t own a car until age 51. No license until age 37.

There is the occasional theft in my neighborhood...but, by and large, my experience with Amazon has been positive.

Good for you. My experiences with package delivery have been quite frustrating, all too often.

kraftiekortie wrote:
Once in a while, they ring the bell. Most of the time, they just leave the package.

You don’t think I know New York? I’ve lived in NYC all my life. I don’t like unexpected knocks on my door.

Different parts of NYC are very different from each other, though. For example, the subway-accessible parts of NYC are very different from northeast Queens, which is more like a suburb in a lot of ways. One crucial difference is that there are a lot of folks in the more subway-accessible areas who don't even want to own a car, even if we could afford one. Perhaps you're aware of this, but even some New Yorkers who live in the more suburban-like areas don't seem to realize this, apparently.


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kraftiekortie
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16 Oct 2020, 6:13 am

Yep. Alternate Side of the Street parking is a pain. I’d probably have more difficulty owning a car if I lived, say, in Rego Park, rather than Queens Village.

I live squarely in what used to be a “2-fare zone,” where you have to take a bus and a train to get to Manhattan.

I’m not quite in an area where I HAVE to have a car—but a car certainly helps.

I’m in eastern Queens, not the relatively more affluent northeast Queens.

I live in what, locally, is called a “garden apartment.” I lived in 6 story apartment buildings most of my life.



KT67
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19 Oct 2020, 7:37 am

Everything round here has to be by parcel atm.

With mum high risk and it being a bad idea for my cousin to go out into a high risk city.

Fortunately we don't just have Amazon to choose from.

I chose Amazon for my cousin's birthday cos me and her always exchange books. But for mum's mother's day, I got her some soap from a local soap shop.

Don't get to see my cousin but her thanking me for the gift was the only highlight of a bad day.