What even is autism?

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I was diagnosed with asperger's as a kid.

I was told about it when I was 16.

When I do a test online to see if I'm autistic, it says 'maybe, speak to a healthcare professional as these results are borderline'.

When I describe 'symptoms' or characteristics of autism on here, unless it's a sensory thing I'm told 'that's not part of being autistic'. For eg, being a pedant or a social recluse or not 'missing' people or having specialist interests.

I find it so confusing.

I just want to be me and to be happy being me without the non-sensory, non-anxiety, non-dyspraxic aspects of being me. I do not care what it is called. I wish I had never been given a label for the bits of me that are just personality traits such as being an introvert or being a so-called 'pedant' or preferring studying to socialising.

I don't even struggle that much socially. I simply struggle with people who are very different to me or environments I'm not used to and was unknowingly blunt as a kid which always made people laugh (but surely that's part of being a kid?)

It is confusing isn't it. I mean... Well. How can one seperate traits from character? Some traits are definately traits but others are hard to seperate or impossible.

Or am I on the wrong tangent?

Depends. Are you talking about autism as a diagnosis, or autism as a neurotype? Very different things.

I'm quite confident that at least some of the symptoms of autism are not *directly* due to the autism, but due to how the autism interacts with the broader world. A lot of features (rocking back and forth, avoiding eye contact etc) are found in pretty much anyone who is subject to sufficient stress and anxiety. They may not be core features of autism *itself*.

Intense focused interests though, I definitely think that is part of the soul of autism. Probably sensory issues too. Maybe displaying body language differently (it's as hard for neurotypicals to read autistic body language is it is for autists to read neurotypical body language - the NT 'superpower' is probably just be them thinking other people are like them and nearly all the time being right). OTOH, 'autism' is a collection of different conditions that share similar enough presentation, so...

The CDC's web page includes: The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) provides standardized criteria to help diagnose ASD.

If that clarifies things for you then you understand it better than I do. When I look at the Psychological Evaluation that said I met "criteria for a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild)" I can sort of match parts of the evaluation up with things in CDC's excerpt of DSM-5...but I'd be hard-pressed to figure out if someone else met the criteria. I'd even be unsure if I did (I guess that's why I had to pay a psychologist).

The main thing I take away from the CDC's excerpt is that the criteria appears to assume, with respect to the specified behaviors, everyone should be alike but autistics are different.

I often get confused about who I am. All of my Aspie traits are very non-stereotypical and also very complex. I know you don't have to have all the stereotypes just to be autistic but it still makes me feel less Aspie than other Aspies.

I read somewhere that it is common for Aspies to lack autobiographical memory and instead are better at memorizing facts. I can memorize some facts to a certain extent just like most people, but memorizing facts has never been a strength of mine and is the main reason I failed some of my exams at school, especially in the classes where you needed to memorize facts (such as geography, history, science, maths and technology). But I have an excellent autobiographical memory, so good that I could write an autobiography of my life from 3 years onwards, and not just the events that happened but also the emotion, mood, atmosphere, of the particular time, if that makes sense. And I read in the same place that Aspies that do have an autobiographical memory have trouble remembering the emotional side of their memories. But I don't.

There are other things as well that make me question my diagnosis, like how social interaction interests me more than facts, how good I am at working as a team in the workplace, how natural it felt when I first met my (NT) boyfriend, and how good I am at imagining myself in other people's shoes. My theory of mind skills go deeper than I can explain to people here, and I don't seem to have any difficulties with being in a relationship with an NT guy. It just feels rather natural to me.

But I am most certainly not an NT. I've probably just got that broad female autism phenotype or whatever it's called, where my Aspie traits are not at all black and white. In fact all of my Aspie traits are very grey.

Autism is the collection of traits indicated by the diagnostic criteria for autism.

There are also stereotypes about autistic people and certain personality traits that autistic people share or often mention. Keep these things separate from the diagnostic criteria, and you shouldn't be confused.

First and foremost, it's a diagnosis label with it's own list of qualifications via list of behaviors and traits.


But not even 'social deficits' can actually truly explain it.
In a more subjective and personalized sense, each autistic have different reasons for their 'social deficits'.
From discrimination via majority's poor autistic theory of mind, to low EQ and the classic autistic poor theory of mind.

Even this so-called 'body language dyslexia' itself had various described reasons -- from poor pattern recognition to bodily clumsiness to inattention.
Even alexithymia or 'emotional dyslexia' too -- ranged from trauma to lack of right vocabularies to just weirdness and perpetual overwhelm.
Even terms of daily living -- from straight ADHD to intellectual disability to things little to do with autism like menstrual cycles.
Language and communication? Other than the above -- from language learning disabilities to low VIQ to physical effects like apraxia of speech or poor hearing.

So do various learning disabilities and processing disorders, involved and manifested it seems...


There are many attempts of theories, none worked out or described the autistic experience or what autism IS 100% so far.
Because odds are that there is no 'one' autism -- or rather, autism isn't 'one'.

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Autism is simply a container of developmental disabilities caused by the brain not forming correctly.

Some people have some symptoms like ID as a result of this others do not, just like some people with COVID have a cold some do not. Symptoms vary in severity also.

That’s the easiest way to describe autism