I'm standing up to my abusive family, and I need your help

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After moving halfway across the world, getting married and spacing out contact with my family, I'm at the point where I want to cut off contact so I can heal inside after decades of abuse. Later I can go into details about the nature of the abuse, but for now I'm just asking for your understanding. Going no contact is hard and I will need a lot of support to carry through, but I want to recover as a person and try to become happy again, so I don't carry this venom within me anymore and transfer it to my marriage or future children.

Today I finally said no, that I don't want to stay in contact anymore.

I didn't say "forever", not even how long, and I didn't say it in anger, sadness or for revenge. I did it so I can regain some self-worth, and setting boundaries will be part of that.

Problem is, so far, they don't respect it.

Immediately I'm getting messages where they want an explanation in person (i.e. over Skype), that they feel sad, don't understand and want to "support me". These are the same people who told me that "I hope we all crash and die in this car", "I will overdose when you're not here", "I hope you go away and never come back", "You have no right to feel bad", and "I love you" over a 20 minute conversation some years ago, before I moved.

So, I really just ask for your advice on how to respond this time, and in the future, so that I can finally break out of this circle of lies and manipulation. In the end, all I want is just peace and to move on, just like everyone else who has been through a hard time.

Thanks.

Going no contact with people in general is hard, more so with family. Unfortunately when it's comes to people who have done enough damage that no contact is necessary, they tend to not respect boundaries and will push and try to initiate contact. Not always, but often enough. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

When I've gone no contact with people, and I've done with a few over the years, my typical way of doing that is to send an email, text, something in writing. That way I don't have to engage at all. I explain clearly that I want no contact, I also explain why. I don't get insulting,because ultimately I know that if I do that, it opens the door for them to get defensive and want to argue, tell me I'm wrong or whatever. They want to defend themselves. And I don't want to hear it.

I use me centered speech to try to soften the blow, as much as possible. Saying things like, I need this space because I'm dealing with some things, and space is something I need to be able to help myself right now. Put it on me. I ask for my wishes to be respected. That way if they do try to contact me, and they usually do, my next step I should to repeat, by text, email, whatever only, that I have already made my wishes clear, my boundaries need to be respected, and this text,email,whatever, will be the last one, then thank them for understanding. Then I block them, or change email or get a new phone number or whatever I need to do. It depends on how pushy the person in question is. Some respect that second emai or whatever, others don't.

I guess I say all that because I don't know what all you did or didn't initially say to them. If you didn't make it crystal clear from theget go, an email explaining you need time and space might be helpful. I wouldn't do it in conversation though. That opens doors to unnecessary stress in a stressful time. It's not really about them and what they need to be comfortable right now. It's about you and your wants and needs. If you did explain it very clear like, they know what you need and are just being manipulative and selfish. All you need to do is tell them if they'd really care and want to help, they'll respect your wishes. Send it,be done, and walk away. It's hard, but it does it get easier over time.

Try distraction, doing things you like, things that keep you busy. As I mentioned, block them if you can. Turn off the phone, whatever you need to do. I'm not sure how aggressive they'll end up being. Hopefully they get the hint and just stop. But people do react immediately after you tell them. That's normal. Sorry, but it is. It's also normal for people to settle down after a bit, after that first shock starts to wear off. I've found people get past trying to reach out after a day or two, usually.

I dunno if any of that helps or I'm just saying a lot. Anyway it goes, good luck, and I hope you get the space to do what you need to do sooner than later. You got this. i wish you well in healing.

It is why years ago after just trying facebook for a few months, I closed the account. A nicec said recently that facebook re-opened my account. This should not be allowed because it contains those details that one is no longer allowed to put on the internet.. So I am concerned, but I can't do anything about it. Facebook should be banned from re-opening peoples accounts without their permission after they have closed them. Ok if one wanted to re-open the account.

Good for you. I wish I'd have the guts to do the same, but my situation's rather complicated, so no can do.

One option is to simply just do it, right? You've already told them that you want to drop all contact, so you can do just that. They call? Don't answer. They sent a message? Don't answer, don't even read it. Thanks to the pandemic, they're unlikely to just show up at your door, not with that distance. Of course, the emotional side makes this a lot harder than it sounds, but what other way is there to go about it than just do it?

Of course, if leaving them hanging like this makes you feel quilty or otherwise uncomfortable, how about writing a letter or an e-mail? Tell them why you need space; write as many details as you feel like you need, or as short and down to the point as you want if that seems like a better idea. If you don't want the cut off to last forever, tell them that. Tell that you aren't abandoning them, that you just need space.

Good luck!

You have had some good advice here. I will reiterate.

Once you have expressed your wish to cut off contact, then cut off contact. Do not answer the phone. Do not respond to emails. Do not read the emails. Do not respond to texts. Do not respond. Period.

Reason does not work. Asking them to understand does not work. Expecting them to understand does not work.

After some time, the attempts will drop off, and you can rest, heal and grow into your new life.

Go for it. You are uniquely you with your own life to live. Blessings.

Thanks a lot for the answers. I really appreciate all comments, as I feel like someone is finally listening to me.

What I told them was, in a neutral tone, that I have a lot of things to deal with right now, so I will take an indefinite break from talking to them in order to take care of myself. It's not the first time I've expressed this wish, but previous times when I set limits, they were always violated, with everything from mail and textbombing to manipulating siblings to act as "go-betweeners" and guilt tripping me with dying relatives, eventually breaking me and forcing me "back in line". I'm thinking of making my point again, but I fear that if I play, they will only make the next move, forcing me to reply again and escalating the situation. I don't want all the drama, as I know and they know that it gets to me and that I'd rather just take the day-to-day low-intensity abuse to avoid the full-on assault. But ... not this time, not anymore.

After reading your posts, I think I will not reply to my parents, at this point. It's painful, but it's the best. I feel shame, relief, guilt, and strength, all at the same time. I will try to stay silent and to find moments of relief in my everyday life to enjoy, as much as possible, and to just get some time to breathe.

^ Excellent. Stay strong in your resolve. It gets easier with time.

I know this is not related to the original topic, but, I don't know a better place to share this ...

My wife appears to have had a miscarriage.

It's not 100% confirmed yet, but all signs point that way. We were completely devastated yesterday. My entire body is aching, as I stuggle to accept that this is happening. Something was there, alive, but now it's not ...

I'm still not speaking to my family, but I don't have much people around me to talk to. I was hoping to hear from others for some support ...

Hi 1986,

Regards to family,stick to your guns and focus on your wife and yourself.

At the end of the day,family are just blood related and if you don't have connection with them,it's not spiritual and unconditional loving.

It's more of an emotional attachment and at some point,they will have to go within and find themselves again?,as you are doing now.

Don't feel and or feel the need that you have to give an explanation nor respond to family members,cause you don't.

Honor and love yourself and tell yourself that,along with your health,wellbeing and peace of mind,means more to you,than people who love drama etc.

Misery sleeps with misery,and if your trying to get on top of things,well,those that feed on drama and who like to bring others down will circle.

Just ignore and beat life to the tune of your own drum.

Now,regards your wife and maybe a miscarriage.

Deal with things as they come and no ifs or buts,but live in the present and face hurdles as they come into fruition.

Wait for the results.

But,you both know that a miscarriage is impending by the signs etc.

This is a good thing,and i don't mean to sound harsh.

Premature grieving,rather than being shocked and struck down in one hit by a doctor both telling you unexpectedly.

A silver lining.

Go with the motions and emotions and be kind to yourselves at this time.
Cry,release,let go and don't hold anything back.

Discuss,talk and be kind to each other.
Leave no stone unturned,be open with each other and express fully.

At times of grief,bonds are either strengthened or weakened.
Another test.

Also,

Know that,

Everything happens for a reason.

Even if unexpected hurdles and mishaps in life seem harsh.

Know that you are both guided,and that you both have an angel appointed on both your left sides.

Your right side is the loving earthly bond support of each other.

Know that you are never alone,never,and your angel guides,always have your best interest at hearts,

in the long run.

Sending love and best wishes.

Take care.

Thank you, ElabR8. You words were very appreciated and was part of what helped me through the day, one step at a time. Going to work the morning after such events was very hard. But as the old saying goes, I can't control what's happening, but I can control how I react to it.

There are still many ???s regarding the miscarriage situation, but the emotional impact on my wife is very big, and though I try to be there for her as much as possible, and not give up hope on the future, any advice, especially from women, on how to respond and care for her is very encouraged. Basically, it's an early pregnancy loss resulting from IVF-treatment that has been ongoing for a few months.

WHAT you are doing is exactly the right thing.
Your wife needs your love and support and attention, not people who have hurt you, poisoned and manipulated and used you.
You have to focus on your job and your wife; have you two been to her ob/gyn?
Every internet communication site has a ‘block’ feature, some do not even notify you if someone is being blocked, or who.
Use it.
Facebook re-opened your account without your knowledge or permission?
THAT explains something quite odd from last week;
I was wandering around Facebook and happened to feed in the name of a co-worker I had worked with for 10 years.
I knew her since her first shift in my department.
She died suddenly, and there were a lot of kind expressions posted at the time.
I was looking to see her memorial page.
Her page was still up!!
Her regular Facebook page!
Her daily entries, pictures of her kids and husband!?!
She died 3 years ago!
If Facebook spontaneously re-opens accounts, THAT explains why that was there!
If Facebook re-opened your account, just go in there and close it again.
Check back in a couple of weeks, close it AGAIN if necessary.
Focus on the good things and good people in your life, they are your blessings; be theirs.

We went to the fertility clinic yesterday, and the miscarriage was confirmed. We lost the life that we had for a precious while. Now we both feel completely empty, as if what happened before was a dream. I'm grateful for that time when I for the first time could feel, a little bit, like a father. It taught me a lot of things about my feelings.

My wife is very sad but she says she's grateful I'm there by her side. I feel the same for her. We will take some time to gather strength, then try again.

So very sorry, must be devastating for both of you
Sounds like excellent focus and priorities, however.
Please do NOT be tempted to contact or respond to toxic people.
God bless.