Apologize For Repeating Myself In My Posts... (And Thoughts)

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It is and was a major thing for me to try to put feelings into words. Most surface things I can describe, but some things like the shutdowns it took me nearly all my life until recently to be able to explain it and find people (You lot on this site and my local autism team who only a year and a half ago I was put on the assessment list, so is recently in my life) that I have found know about these things, as in the past I tried ad I tried ad I tried to find out what is is, and what was causing it (Now I know, how can I have been so stupid as to not know my own triggers of these shutdowns? I kind of knew but was unable to join the dots to link the two so when I had partial shutdowns, they would end up in shutdowns because I did not know their cause).

Anyway. I apologize for the year and a half of repeating myself and I will likely repeat again and again. It is because it is such a BIG, HUGE thing for me to put these things into words and explain it... Also, it is how my mind works... Writing and reading as I write also explains things to me. I can only describe it as my inner and outer mind may not always communicate with each other that well? What I mean by this is my inner mind is where I store my long term memories and I have my deep thoughts... Where I do my deep thinking. This works best in pictures and in film form.
But my day to day short term memory outer mind seems to think in a different way and it is like they can be trying to communicate in different languages or different ways because they work in different ways?

Example where my mind may work differently to others is how I do maths. If I can keep everything in my short term memory I can keep it in my surface part of my mind and I can do maths how the teachers teach it. BUT, if I have to think deeply, I go into my deep thinking mind that works in pictures, and so I do mental calculations in series(es) of dots and patterns of dots, which are not in base 10, so I have to get answers from my deep thinking mind to my outer everyday mind which have to be converted into a format in which makes sense so we need it in base 10 (If that makes sense?) This is why in maths I could never show my workings out, and would just write my answer down and try to "Invent" my workings out after through working backwards using my surface outer mind to do so if that makes sense? It was like I was switching between these two different ways of thinking to complete the task.
And here is the problem. Mathematical formulas. These need to go into my long term memory BUT they have to be used in my short term memory which is not compatable, because my long term memory struggles to store things that are not in picture format. (Some things it can do, but formulas I can't unless I can somehow see a drawn picture in colours etc but not the formula itself). My short term memory only retains information for a few days or less, so when it came to maths exams, any revising of formulas and how to use those formulas had to be revised the day before or two days before, and I would constantly have to keep doing it to be able to retain the information to use on the day of the exam. This was fine if I only had one subject to deal with, but in school or college there are lots of subjects, so trying to retain information.... And in collage all my subjects were mathematically based! So I was in the deep end and is probably why I failed, as to pass I would have had to put in far more effort then others. (It always puzzled me why things seemed more difficult for me then others who seemed to just turn up and do the exam and I would do anything to avoid revising or homework because it stressed me in the evenings which were the times I needed to shut off from the stresses of the school day to preserve my sanity!)
(In my explanation I may be eggagerating slightly to make sense of things because sometimes I could remeber formulas for a while. Other times I could not. I can't explain. I am trying to explain to myself as well while I am putting things into words).

Anyway. That is enough for now!

Pretty thorough explaination of how a persons mind works, keeping mathematical formulas could be quite daunting , if your not using them regularly. Meanwhile you wait for a diagnosis , which is only obvious to yourself.

I don’t feel anybody minds that you “repeat yourself.” Nothing to apologize for.

I thought wanting to talk about their special interests was a typical thing for an autie to do. If you notice some common themes in my posts I would not be surprised; I know that more than once I've mentioned that I enjoy related humor (For instance, this).

And math. Sigh. I was okay when I could understand it. But statistics and all the different variations of calculus required memorizing a bunch of formulas so that was a problem for me. Probability, however, was fine--because it is just heavy-duty counting. And analytic geometry became easier for me once I contrived an easy way to recall the sine and cosine of the major angles (0^o, 30^o, 45^o, 60^o, and 90^o).

Yeah, maths.
When I was a kid I taught myself multiplication in my head by multiplying the larger number first then the smaller.
So I got really confused at school when we had to write it down and do it the other way around.
Your dots sound interesting.

And no need to apologise, MG, we all love your posts.
I don't always manage to read all the way through, but that's more a problem with my attention span

Thank you all for your replies.

I have noticed that the way my mind works maybe different and it is refelcted by the way I write. I am a slow but deep thinker and while I think about things in a certain subject, which could take weeks, months or years, I will keep repeating the same questoons or giving the same statements but from different angles so I can form a 3D type picture in my mind until I have exhausted all avenues of the subject and I can come up with a conclusion. I have done this for years and years and not known why but I know why now.
But to others they could think "Why did he ask that question again?" or "Why does he keep introducing the same topic?" It is because my memory retains deep thinking thoughts which I need to digest, and my surface thinking for everyday life does not last so long if that makes sense? I am doing this repeating while I am talking about it here on thinking about how my mind thinks.

Yes it does make sense ....... no need to apologize , I think MountainGoat

The grass must be good at the crag near your house in Wales

Crag? Is that something to do with rocks and Scotland?

The grass is pretty good up here. We are a mix of decent soil and clay, so though in places it gets boggy due to the clay, the grass usually grows well, though I guess what breed of grass you are trying to grow. Most grasses do well up here though. Not sure what grass has to do with rocks. Just here... There are rocky parts but not right here. I have to go on a half mile walk to reach those parts.

No need to apologise, Brother MG.

Many of us here on Wrong Planet view you as a friend and a good man who views his being on the spectrum as a part of his essence.

No worries.

I can communicate ok, but it is trying to put some feelings into words. The feelings did not fit into words somehow or somehow I had the feelings but I did not know what they meant? Hard to describe....
I know when I had the feelings, as I could relate to when they happened, but it did not occur to me why I had the feelings or what they related to or meant. Anxiety was one of these.