Jealous of other people's relationships

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chris1989
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07 Dec 2020, 3:13 pm

I have to say I probably have only had girls as friends, not truly as girlfriends. As a single man, I do get these feelings of envy to other people I like who are in a relationship with someone else especially when it is posted on social media with selfies of them both. I remember when liked someone once from college and me and her would occasionally say Hi and talk online but when I heard she was seeing someone I was upset and I allowed the envy to boil over when one day when we argued and I called her a ''brat'', her boyfriend told me to leave me alone and called me a ''fantasist'', and some of her friends started getting angry with me. I did apologise for my stupid and irresponsible behaviour and stopped talking to her and there were times when I failed to go into class because I didn't want to see her in there. There is another thing, I seem to want to stop talking to someone I like simply because they are going out with someone else and at times I've blocked them and the person they are going out with because I don't want to see their posts or photos. What could do to help myself think differently about this issue ?



ElabR8Aspie
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07 Dec 2020, 5:10 pm

Train Your Mind: Overcoming Negative Thoughts Is Half the Battle

Be Kind, Retrain Your Mind: 3 Tips to Overcome Negative Self-Talk

A Guide to Peace for Anyone with a Crazy, Messed Up Mind

Just a couple of links from tinybuddha.

Understand,you are not your mind and you are the master of your own ship,

including the mind.



Joe90
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07 Dec 2020, 6:47 pm

I used to be like that. I know you're probably feeling bitter and resentful. It is quite normal to feel that way when you're stuck with a disability you didn't ask for and it prevents you from doing some of the things everyone around you are doing.

I feel like that about clubbing. I've never been clubbing before and I hate the idea of clubbing, I think it's a retarded hobby, but at the same time I seem to feel bitter and resentful when other people go clubbing. It's a complicated emotion which many people don't understand. Maybe there's a small part of me that wants to experience clubbing. If clubbing wasn't so popular among (younger) NTs I probably won't feel so bad that I don't like clubbing. But so far it seems that every NT I have spoken to have said that they have been clubbing when they were young. When I were young I spent my weekend nights sitting in my room on my computer like an antisocial nerd. :oops:


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madbutnotmad
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07 Dec 2020, 7:21 pm

chris1989 wrote:
I have to say I probably have only had girls as friends, not truly as girlfriends. As a single man, I do get these feelings of envy to other people I like who are in a relationship with someone else especially when it is posted on social media with selfies of them both. I remember when liked someone once from college and me and her would occasionally say Hi and talk online but when I heard she was seeing someone I was upset and I allowed the envy to boil over when one day when we argued and I called her a ''brat'', her boyfriend told me to leave me alone and called me a ''fantasist'', and some of her friends started getting angry with me. I did apologise for my stupid and irresponsible behaviour and stopped talking to her and there were times when I failed to go into class because I didn't want to see her in there. There is another thing, I seem to want to stop talking to someone I like simply because they are going out with someone else and at times I've blocked them and the person they are going out with because I don't want to see their posts or photos. What could do to help myself think differently about this issue ?


Hello Chris1989
Sorry to hear about your experiences. I think that your reaction is likely very normal and common, especially among people with ASD. NT people don't really get ASD, and even the ones that do don't understand how hard it is for most of us with ASD trying to get dates, let alone manage stable healthy long distance relationships.

Having ASD certainly makes such things harder, not impossible though, just a lot harder.
I would say that the lack of NT's understanding of our condition and problems with romantic relationships, does make hard for NT's to understand our perspective and how rejected, abnormal, lonely etc. we may feel.

Personally, I think that NT people should make special effort to make starting a relationship easy for us.
But who am i kidding, people are often as shy and awkward as we are when trying to start a relationship,
and there are always loads of NT predators, including loads that are sociopaths, who would quiet happily
manipulate their way into any promising relationship before we are able to form (or even after we start to form,
close intimate relationships). This is how hard and how horrible some people can be.

I know, as i have been stalked by the local DJ's, who are mostly meglomaniaics who value themselves above all life,
and are more than happy to push their way to the front of the cue, lying, slandering, setting rivals up so as to ruing everyone else's chances of success.

Even when married, my own best mate decided he wanted to marry my wife instead of me, so did all he could to ruin my relationship and life with slander etc. and he was my best friend at the time! so yep. things don't always turn out so well for us guys.

However, some people i know who are really good people, they are happily married and who have been left unscavered,
whether this is due to not being pestered by rivals in love, or whether it is down to the sturdiness and fidelity of the people in the relationships, i am not sure, perhaps more likely the latter.

As to be honest, in life, if a woman wants attention, then they often can attract it from someone or another.
Same goes for men who are flirtatious.

But again, if either the man or the woman shows no signs of flirtatious, then a stable relationship that is loving can be fostered. But it takes people to sincerely devout themselves and not mess around. Be honest etc.

The hurt is sometimes heart breaking, but in time, your heart will heal, and as the old saying goes
there are always plenty of fish in the sea, in fact, there are over 7 billion people on the planet
there must be a few good matches among them, don't limit yourself to your local area.

The funny thing is, when i was younger, i really did pine to be in a relationship, just like my mum and dad.
A romantic relationship that lasted their entire lifetime. How great.
Because i got brought up in that environment, that is what i kind of expected out of life.

But, i am not them, and this is not the same world that they grew up in. No tinder back in the 50s and 60s.
anyway...

What is ironic, is that a few years ago i did get involved with a woman, and the time i spent "with her"
was perhaps among the most miserable times of my life, certainly most anxious, depressive and angry i have ever been.
Even to be alone now is a blessing, as to be alone is to not be abused, whether physically (violence) or emotionally.

I wake up each day with the freedom that i can do what i want, without anyone's permission and without anyone screaming at me for simply being alive. but that's enough about me.

Please don't let me put you off relationships, however, my point is, relationships can be great, make you feel amazing,
but they can also cause you a great deal of misery.

I have had my fare share of the latter to now no longer pine for a relationship. i no longer feel incomplete because i do not have a wife / girl friend following me around.

I am not adverse to relationships and do not hate woman, i just appreciate what freedom i have
all circumstances has advantages

good luck finding the right partner for you
as the wrong one for you can make you want to die
which no one needs



madbutnotmad
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07 Dec 2020, 7:26 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I used to be like that. I know you're probably feeling bitter and resentful. It is quite normal to feel that way when you're stuck with a disability you didn't ask for and it prevents you from doing some of the things everyone around you are doing.

I feel like that about clubbing. I've never been clubbing before and I hate the idea of clubbing, I think it's a retarded hobby, but at the same time I seem to feel bitter and resentful when other people go clubbing. It's a complicated emotion which many people don't understand. Maybe there's a small part of me that wants to experience clubbing. If clubbing wasn't so popular among (younger) NTs I probably won't feel so bad that I don't like clubbing. But so far it seems that every NT I have spoken to have said that they have been clubbing when they were young. When I were young I spent my weekend nights sitting in my room on my computer like an antisocial nerd. :oops:


your never too old to go clubbing. There is still time. I grew up clubbing, and i remember when i was a kid,
this old lady in her 90s used to turn up at the disco's, with two big body guards.

She looked like she used to be a chacha girl.
She used to wear fairly lights around a tiara and a party dress.

She was no harm and people loved her youthful spirit.

So, yep. not too late. Although, i guess its down to what you are into.
If you like drinking, then perhaps that is a way to get into it,
although go with at least one mate so you can look after each others back.

perhaps start small, go to pubs to start
then try a small size club or perhaps a small music venue
and see how you feel

like i say,
alcohol can slow the mind down so if you suffer from sensory overload
sometimes that can slow things down prevent meltdowns

in some areas there may even be charity organisations that put on events for people with ASD
but this depends if you want to mix with a pure ASD community

up to you...



Joe90
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07 Dec 2020, 7:56 pm

I don't drink, which is probably why I shy away from clubs. Pubs are OK if they're quiet or you're eating there.
But I don't like the idea of getting drunk and I don't like other drunk people. Having one or two light alcoholic drinks are not enough to relax me in a clubbing environment, but as an emetophobe I'm scared to have any more than that in case I get a hangover that involves vomiting. I also dislike being out at night time (unless I'm at work but that's different). The city is a completely different place at night and my social anxiety rises and I just want to be home where I feel safe. Also clubs are judgemental places; lots of young people have too much to drink and some get aggressive and dramatic. I don't like all that. It scares me. I've heard awful horror stories of people getting their drinks spiked in clubs too, and it's hard to constantly pay attention to your drink in a crowded bar if you're a little drunk yourself. I don't understand what is so appealing about all that to young people. Even NTs themselves admit that the music is too loud, there are so many people that you're packed like sardines, and it is costly to even get in.
My mum's friend was once in a crowded bar and someone had spiked her drink while she was chatting to people. She had her drink in her hand the whole time but because it was so crowded and poorly lit (I know nightclubs are full of bright lights but they're not exactly bright lights, if you get what I mean) she didn't notice anyone spiking her drink. The worst part was it made her temporarily paralysed from below her waist and she was ill, but the bouncers thought she was just drunk so they kicked her out and she lay in the street suffering alone and frightened, and was even robbed by thieves but was too helpless to defend herself. She just wanted medical attention. The girl she was with hadn't noticed where she had gone until about an hour later, and they got her an ambulance.
It didn't physically damage her long term but it emotionally scarred her for life and she has become a socially anxious introvert when she used to be an extraverted party animal.


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07 Dec 2020, 8:03 pm

Bars are lousy places for people on the Spectrum----period!

I used to feel the same way in my teens and 20s (envious of people in relationships).

I'm glad there was no Internet back when I was a young adult! It's such a minefield.



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07 Dec 2020, 10:34 pm

People, please stay away from night clubs...These are not good for anyone, not good for NTs, not good for those on the spectrum... :!: :!: :!:

In my younger years and well into my adult years, i organized parties for friends of all ages...I would serve delicious food, depending on the party-theme and age-group of guests...(Pot-luck is very practical)...I would play music in the background that would allow for nice conversations...I would make sure to include some form of healthy entertainment...And no, i would not serve alcoholic beverages...

I organized these social get-togethers as a hobby to have a great time with friends...You all can do the same...I would keep it manageable and affordable at no more than 25 guests...But, you could have a party of three or four and still be a success...The goal is to have a good time in a way that everyone feels comfortable...How i wish that i enjoyed the health and energy to continue doing this after the pandemic...



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08 Dec 2020, 2:45 pm

I think I'm old school when it comes to social media. You have to control it, don't let it control you. If you see things on social media that make you feel bad, don't follow people who post those things. I think that blocking them is more mature than keeping on watching what they post and wallowing. Follow positive accounts. Do you have Twitter? Follow Blair Baverman. Her huskies brighten the sadest day. Instagram? Follow Hunger for words, she's taught her dog to communcate by pressing buttons. Facebook? Follow Juniper Fox.

Focus your energy on your positive relationships. This one person makes you feel sad, then go spend time with someone who makes you feel happy or maybe a pet who makes you feel happy.

Go to places that make you feel happy, don't dwell on thinking about how other people go to places you don't like. That's their life. Go somewhere that you enjoy.

I'm also in the hating clubs camp. I've only been to two and they were loud and boring.



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08 Dec 2020, 3:05 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I don't drink, which is probably why I shy away from clubs. Pubs are OK if they're quiet or you're eating there.
But I don't like the idea of getting drunk and I don't like other drunk people. Having one or two light alcoholic drinks are not enough to relax me in a clubbing environment, but as an emetophobe I'm scared to have any more than that in case I get a hangover that involves vomiting. I also dislike being out at night time (unless I'm at work but that's different). The city is a completely different place at night and my social anxiety rises and I just want to be home where I feel safe. Also clubs are judgemental places; lots of young people have too much to drink and some get aggressive and dramatic. I don't like all that. It scares me. I've heard awful horror stories of people getting their drinks spiked in clubs too, and it's hard to constantly pay attention to your drink in a crowded bar if you're a little drunk yourself. I don't understand what is so appealing about all that to young people. Even NTs themselves admit that the music is too loud, there are so many people that you're packed like sardines, and it is costly to even get in.
My mum's friend was once in a crowded bar and someone had spiked her drink while she was chatting to people. She had her drink in her hand the whole time but because it was so crowded and poorly lit (I know nightclubs are full of bright lights but they're not exactly bright lights, if you get what I mean) she didn't notice anyone spiking her drink. The worst part was it made her temporarily paralysed from below her waist and she was ill, but the bouncers thought she was just drunk so they kicked her out and she lay in the street suffering alone and frightened, and was even robbed by thieves but was too helpless to defend herself. She just wanted medical attention. The girl she was with hadn't noticed where she had gone until about an hour later, and they got her an ambulance.
It didn't physically damage her long term but it emotionally scarred her for life and she has become a socially anxious introvert when she used to be an extraverted party animal.


It sounds like your mothers friend has had a really bad experience.
I have to say however that my experiences are fairly mixed, and i most certainly have been to my fair share of pubs, bars and clubs.

I have had some great nights in some of these places, and have had some not so great times.
I think that what happened to your mums friend sounds quiet unusual, but sure, there are some unsavoury people around.

Perhaps you could consider going to the right type of bar, for example, there are bars associated with art and culture centres that usually are more low key, and generally more populated with arty types who frequent such an establishment because they are into the art, culture etc.

Sure, such places can be inhabited by people who are pretentious, but generally not usually that volatile,
unless you escalate up the ladder towards celebrity level (which then may be a great deal more exclusive, bitchy,
snide and competitive, with people competing to get in to the party and get the attention of the celebrities so they can use their fame/money/power, luckily, us normal non privileged mortal folk get excluded from such parties any way, and for someone with social skills that an ASD person has, not likely well ever get invited, even if the party was thrown for us, that's what types of people these people are).

As for drinking, fair enough, i can understand how vulnerable you would feel and if it isn't something that you are comfortable with, then don't worry.

Although perhaps you could test your comfortable limit drinking at home, perhaps drinking beer or wine, that isn't super strong. If you eat before you drink, you should be able to drink more than one or two and still be no where near your max limit.

If you do such an experiment, and drink fairly slowly over the evening, and you do start to feel too drunk.
you can always sober up by drinking a glass or two of water, and perhaps eat some high carb food
perhaps chips or a pizza.

The food soaks up some of the alcohol and gives the body something to think about instead of how drunk it is.
This usually works a treat, and you can go from just about ready to vomit to feeling just drunk.

As well as arty types of places, you can often find a quiet bar to hang out with a friend or even meet friends.
Some places also do single nights, which are designed specifically for singles to go to if they are looking for a romantic partner, and being a singles night, kind of breaks the ice and makes you feel less awkward.

Yes i wouldn't write off socialising completely.
Especially if you were able to find someone to hook up with to go to them to relax, have fun. perhaps even dance
let your hair down. without worrying.