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Anagram. And get melons.

How to write a sermon?

Simply use the lyrics from a random Run DMC song.

How often should you change your bed linen?

Not until well-formed mushroom pop out.

How often should you wash your socks?

When they can type faster than you.

How should I remove the moss from my roof?

Call: Kate! Kate! I have something for you!
Finally, she'll come down.

When should I clean my windows?

Just replace the windows with walls. Then you'll never have to worry about cleaning the windows.

What should I do when my car won't start?

Steal another car.

My sink is blocked. How should I fix it?

Pour plenty of flammable liquid such as gasoline into the sink and ignite it. It should burn the blockage off and voilà! Your sink is fixed!

What's the best way to make friends with my neighbors?

Invite them for a barbeque...
... With themselves, their pets and children for a menu.

What's a good cure for hangover?

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Benzene.

How to hang a picture on a wall?

Get your butler to hold it in the required place then go through a whole roll of gorilla tape to fix it in place, making sure the entire picture is covered. To be sure hammer a stake into the picture at the end.

How do I bake a cake?

Buy a chocolate gateaux from a supermarket and put it in an oven at 250 C for ten hours.

How do you dry washing?

Chuck them on a log fire.

I've spilled red wine on my crotch. How do I remove the stain?

Cover it with blood so on one notices the wine.

How to make a child grow faster?

Feed them with human fertilizer formula and radioactive chemicals as supplements.


Same question but with lizards.

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Offer them a part in a movie where they have to play Godzilla and need to bulk up to play the part.

How do you make friends in the library?