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It's really Double Me!

What's your deepest fear?

Tripping over a turnip in my garden and hitting my head on a boulder and falling unconscious then being eaten alive by ants.

Why do ants have a queen?

They used to have a king but he fell off a horse.

What's your greatest joy?

Peeling the skin off rice pudding.

What is your greatest achievement?

Extracting all my teeth by myself without crying.

What is the correct oil to put in a Vauxhall Vectra?

Olive oil.

How many numbers are in a game of Bingo?

All of them.

What is the best way to learn to swim?

Get eaten by a shark. You become part of the shark, a perfect swimmer!

How to learn to ride a bicycle?

Ride the full length of a wildlife park with tigers and lions as your personal trainers, encouraging you on.

Why is the world getting warmer and the climate more erratic?

Because there's been an increasing reduction of carbon emissions and greenhouse gasses.

What vegetable should never be used to make bread or cake?

Radishes should never be used in cooking, they are sentient beings. Instead they should be grown and nurtured.

When will the aliens invade Earth?

When UK has the same PM for the whole cadence.

Why is 1 Euro more expensive than it used to be?

They're bigger so you get more for your money.

Why do supermarkets chain their trolleys together?

It was the historically first attempt to build a model train.
It didn't succeed.

What do aliens think about the Earth?

The trolleys are in fact slaves owned by the supermarket and they try to escape at any opportunity. So they are chained together to prevent this. Supermarket customers are complicit in this inhumane treatment as they chain them back together again after using them to lug around their heavy shopping.

Edited to add: Aliens plan to take over the oceans by inhabiting the bodies of herrings.

Why are supermarket trolleys sometimes found in canals?

During the great barge shortage of 1805 shopping trolleys were unsuccessfully trialed as an alternative means of transporting coal along Britain's canals.

What else might I find in a canal?