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First of all boil them in a pan

How to blow your nose

Insert a firecracker in each nostril and light them.

How to clean one's teeth?

Put them in a washing machine. You don't need to detach them.

How to raise children?

It's quicker if you use a rack to stretch them.

How to climb a tree?

By putting them on a balloon.

You climb a tree by using the Rhythm Method.

How does one REAR children?

Reverse you car over them.

How to raise money?

Teach it to respect others and wash behind its ears.

How to make a time machine?

I told you next year, have you forgotten again?

What is on offer at the chippy today?

Chippendale furniture.

Why does the staircase repair take so long?

Such repairs have a lot of ups and downs.

Why are clowns scary?

They keep threatning us with a nuclear war.

Why are ghosts scary?

Because seeing them means someone has spiked your drink with an hallucinogen.

Why are other drivers scary?

Because they're incompatibile with the kernel.

Why are black cats scary?

They are black to blend in with roads, where they lie in wait ready to pounce at unsuspecting cars, dragging them to their lairs to devour the occupants alive!

Why is it cold this morning?

You channeled all the heat to your radiator, now that's what you get!

I washed the floor yesterday. Why is it dirty today?

You left the window open and the dirt fairies got in.

Why is dirt so dirty?