Detecting & dealing with subtle disrespect?

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Jayo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 960

05 Jan 2021, 10:03 am

I think that one thing those of us on the spectrum have had to deal with A LOT, continuing into (young) adult life, is people subtly disrespecting or affronting us in some way - they typically do it with a few chuckling peers around them, perhaps nattering something like "huh huh, he doesn't even realize we're making fun of him" as we give a serious "thanks" or "oh, OK, cool" type of response to the subtle/ambiguous (to us) insult while walking away.

I also think that this gives potential tormentors the "green light" or the wedge-in-the-door to realize that they can up the ante and dish out more blunt and brazen abuse :evil:

NT's sometimes refer to this as the "sh*t test", and it seems really asinine b/c it's not like you're in a prison or biker gang or some context where respect is paramount.

Contrast this pattern to someone at the opposite end of the "human spectrum", i.e. a narcissist or someone with sociopathy, who have such a perverse sense of ego and superiority that they'll confront anyone who makes an ambiguous insult. So those kinds of people deal in "false positives", whereas we tend to deal in "false negatives". 8O

While I wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers till I was 27, back in the early 2000s, my reflections can recall many a time where I got such ambiguous/subtle insults from others. On at least one occasion, I thankfully had the insight to respond in a way that put the onus for the ambiguity back on them, while indignantly playing dumb: "Um, OK, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that...maybe you could elaborate?"
I think if I could press "rewind" ,I'd have rubbed it in a bit more by adding: "It seems to lack conviction, like you're not totally sure (about what you said)."
At that point, the person is unlikely to become more bluntly insulting (e.g. "what I mean to say is you're a f***g loser / weirdo"), but will become more sheepish and say "um, well...[rephrase as another subtle/ambiguous insult]."
Then you could just give a wry smile and say "OK, well, have a nice day". :) The subtext being a less hostile way of saying "either put up, or shut up - if you've got the balls to be blatantly insulting, then do it already."



starkid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,707
Location: California Bay Area

06 Jan 2021, 2:03 am

Well my solution is to just filter and avoid most people. I've already wasted too much of my life trying to fit into neurotypical s**t; figuring out their social games takes too much energy, and I don't want to waste any more energy on it. I don't want to interact with people like that anyhow, so why bother trying to understand what they are saying?

I can detect subtle assholery without expending much mental energy, so I'll just avoid anyone who is subtly assholish or worse; the details of the assholery aren't terribly important. So whatever they say about me won't really matter because they won't be in my life.

Sometimes if you just walk away and stop responding to these kinds of people, that shows enough social awareness to get people to leave you alone, even if you don't fully understand the disrespect.

Granted, this subtle disrespect might be a problem people can't ignore if it's happening at work, for example, and their job is at risk, but my strategy works for me.


_________________
Just the L
LGBTQIAwhatever


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,375
Location: I'm on the streets like curbs

06 Jan 2021, 2:12 am

Depending on how ongoing and how substantial the disrespect is, sometimes speaking to the person while close to a balcony will help reduce tensions. Get them to look over the edge, remind them how long the fall is and they'll take the hint. :wink:


_________________
politics is dumb but very important
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う


ezbzbfcg2
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,090
Location: New Jersey, USA

06 Jan 2021, 3:07 am

Jayo wrote:
Contrast this pattern to someone at the opposite end of the "human spectrum", i.e. a narcissist or someone with sociopathy, who have such a perverse sense of ego and superiority that they'll confront anyone who makes an ambiguous insult. So those kinds of people deal in "false positives", whereas we tend to deal in "false negatives".


Good summary, Jayo. And it's not pleasant when the two extremes cross paths.



JP210168
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 21 Apr 2015
Posts: 39
Location: US

06 Jan 2021, 11:11 am

Don't give them any ammunition to use against you. Better, don't give them a reaction and go on about your business. Yes, you can actually ignore people right in front of you. Try it sometime. You can also be a wiseass but that's an art form in itself, and there are risks that come with that...sometimes. I'm still learning.

I know that will be easier said than done depending on the context and I don't feel like elaborating right now, but your response to any crap a jerk tosses at you has a large effect on the outcome.



FleaOfTheChill
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 306
Posts: 945
Location: Everywhere

06 Jan 2021, 1:07 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Depending on how ongoing and how substantial the disrespect is, sometimes speaking to the person while close to a balcony will help reduce tensions. Get them to look over the edge, remind them how long the fall is and they'll take the hint. :wink:


:lol:

That's mostly all I have to add to this thread... I don't really talk to people all that much, notice things like that, or care about the attitudes of random people, so yeah...not much to contribute here. Moving along now.



diagnosedafter50
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

Joined: 15 Dec 2020
Age: 54
Posts: 210
Location: United Kingdom

22 Jan 2021, 10:50 am

I spent my life trying to fit in at great expense.
I am just realising that, without sounding snobby, neurotypicals talk a lot without actually saying anything.
They say things because "it is the done thing"



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 47,711
Location: Stendec

22 Jan 2021, 10:58 am

Learn what you can about the people around you, and then respond to their jibes with a mention of one of their personal habits...

HE: "Do you really enjoy eating that diet food crap?"
ME: "Not as much as you enjoy drinking coffee in the men's room."


_________________
45OFFICE = TRE45ON
Lock Him Up!


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 101,219
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 Jan 2021, 11:20 am

in the military i got daily crap of that sort. i took it as a reflection of their immaturity despite being older than me. IOW it didn't reflect well on them even if the army liked them a lot more than it liked me. they were always the ones promoted.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 47,711
Location: Stendec

22 Jan 2021, 11:28 am

The military likes to promote people who can motivate others, even if that motivation involves "Blaming & Shaming".  Most of my uncles and cousins before me were in the military before I enlisted, and they had already related stories about how you have to stand up to others and give more than you get in order to get ahead.  It is a sad thing to admit, but part of my success in the Navy involved acting like an a$$hole whenever a subordinate stepped out of line or made a stupid mistake.


_________________
45OFFICE = TRE45ON
Lock Him Up!


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 101,219
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 Jan 2021, 12:11 pm

all i know is that they blamed and shamed me for basically doing my job, and when they said "you'll never make sergeant" i didn't give a rap because i just wanted outta there yesterday. i had no business ever being in the army.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 47,711
Location: Stendec

22 Jan 2021, 12:32 pm

auntblabby wrote:
all i know is that they blamed and shamed me for basically doing my job, and when they said "you'll never make sergeant" i didn't give a rap because i just wanted outta there yesterday. i had no business ever being in the army.
Military life is not for everyone; but at least you served.

:salut:

I think that maybe a childhood full of "Blame & Shame" from veterans in my family may have prepared me for boot camp and subsequent service -- no matter how my "superiors" treated me, I had already survived worse several times over.


_________________
45OFFICE = TRE45ON
Lock Him Up!


HeroOfHyrule
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2020
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,725
Location: Pacific Northwest

22 Jan 2021, 1:04 pm

When I was younger kids used to laugh at me all the time and I never knew why they were laughing. I now realize they were giving me backhanded compliments and teasing me, and my unknowing/confused responses were amusing to them. Now that I recognize that better, the "Can you elaborate on that?" and other questions work wonders for getting people to shut their mouths. Once they get that I know what they're doing they clam up and can't respond properly most of the time.


_________________
I like playing video games, watching cartoons and anime, reading, and cooking.

I also have two cats and a rabbit, and enjoy learning + cataloguing information about different types of animals and plants.


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 101,219
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 Jan 2021, 1:36 pm

all my life i wondered what syndrome it was where you never had a comeback for an insult, if ever, until 3 in the morning a few weeks later.



strings
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

Joined: 27 Jun 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 236
Location: Texas

22 Jan 2021, 2:07 pm

auntblabby wrote:
all my life i wondered what syndrome it was where you never had a comeback for an insult, if ever, until 3 in the morning a few weeks later.


It sounds a bit like an extreme version of what is known in French as "L'esprit d'escalier," where someone only manages to think of the perfect reply after having left the room and is walking down the stairs.



auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 101,219
Location: the island of defective toy santas

22 Jan 2021, 2:15 pm

strings wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
all my life i wondered what syndrome it was where you never had a comeback for an insult, if ever, until 3 in the morning a few weeks later.


It sounds a bit like an extreme version of what is known in French as "L'esprit d'escalier," where someone only manages to think of the perfect reply after having left the room and is walking down the stairs.

thank you :) i will have to copy and paste this into my "wisdom file" :study: