I'm accepting I'm not lovable

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lvpin
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10 Jan 2021, 10:57 pm

I have general anxiety disorder on top of my autism and have been quite mentally ill, dealing with suicidal thoughts on and off since I was in primary school with it getting really bad just before I was diagnosed at 12. Throughout this entire time I've watched the burden this has made me to my friends and family which ironically makes my mental illness worse. Yesterday I did several behaviours that technically go under the umbrella of self harm which ended in me crying and waking my mother up at about 3am. Today I told my mum I loved her and she said "do you?", suggesting that this behaviour doesn't show it much, not that I don't actually love her. It really hurt. Not too long ago my younger sister complained about how my anxiety affects her and I know she was jealous for ages because naturally as the more mentally ill sibling who can stay up past her bed time I get a bit more attention from my mum. Or did. I reacted by isolating myself from my family, I don't come out my room much anymore and I don't talk to them much. This backfired though because now they're worried. It doesn't feel like I can win and no matter what I do I end up upsetting them.

The thing is that is my family and if anyone is going to still love me when I'm really difficult to deal with it will be them but no one else can be depended on like that. I can tell my friends have to tip toe around me and it makes me feel guilty and I got told once by a friend that dealing with me and my mental health was too much for them to handle. First of all, I really respect that and it helps me trust them and it was good that they said that but it just highlighted to me even more that I am a burden to those I am around. Sometimes I respond to this by distancing myself and ignoring them but that hurts them and makes them worry but when I talk to them I feel guilty because if I talk about my feelings I know I'm adding to that burden but if I don't I am aware that honesty is important. I tend to also make friends with quite mentally ill people which complicates things. Being honest also has issues because it makes people hyper aware of how they interact with you which must be exhausting and then I don't blame them if they contact me less. I try to be fun in conversations to offset this but I don't know how successful that is. The thing that makes me feel the worst is when I am upset and it becomes clear the other person thinks it is because of them and feels bad. I hat making others feel bad.

Basically I don't open up fully about emotions or even that much anymore but it still is too much so how an earth can I still see myself as lovable if dealing with me is exhausting and upsetting. You can't expect people to stay around you if your mental illness is too much nor is it fair to expect that, they should care for themselves. I'd hate to trap people around me through feelings of obligation. But if I'm so hard to deal with then I'm essentially doomed relationship wise, platonic or otherwise. I may still have friends but when I get older that will get harder and I can't see me ever having more than that based on my messed up mental health and the fact my insecurity makes part of me find the idea of someone loving me repulsive even if I want it. I don't think anyone who was not family could find it in them to deal with me like a partner would and my family have their own lives I don't want to weigh down. I understand that I am young and I could be completely wring but I feel so hopeless and just see myself as lonely and just as self hating in the future. I don't see myself as lovable at all and it really hurts. I think I am too big a burden. I am kind and like helping others but I don't really have any positives I think that really offset the downsides of me and if I do I'm clearly too insecure to see them so what good are they?



Juliette
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11 Jan 2021, 2:07 pm

Dear Iv, some of the most emotionally and mentally unstable people I’ve known due to mental illness, and there have been quite a few, find love, do have relationships, even marriage(though I truly don’t wish marriage upon anyone these days). Now is not forever. You will continue to change and mature from this point in time.

Whether you believe it or not, your life matters and what you do, naturally impact upon others. As you mentioned, family, close friends, if they truly have your back, will be there for you, no matter what. No matter how many times you harm yourself or cause distress and concern, today is not tomorrow.

You have CAMHS and their crisis team available to listen and advise whenever you should need. X

PS Would love to see you expressing yourself through art or writing ... getting out those emotions, especially when you’re locked into a negative or self destructive, out of control mindset, can be VERY therapeutic and beneficial.



kraftiekortie
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13 Jan 2021, 4:58 am

I bet you’re very loveable! :heart:



RetroGamer87
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13 Jan 2021, 7:27 am

lvpin wrote:
Today I told my mum I loved her and she said "do you?"
That's not a nice thing for her to say.


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13 Jan 2021, 7:56 am

You are loveable. You just need an understanding young man who sees the good points in you and he has found a gem!

Do not worry. Good young men come along. If you find one quick. Grab him! Haha!


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CockneyRebel
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13 Jan 2021, 11:13 pm

I think you're a lovable Sweet Pea.

Om Nom hugs


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jimmy m
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14 Jan 2021, 12:02 am

hugs


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lvpin
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14 Jan 2021, 1:41 pm

Thank you guys for the kind replies, its helped make me feel better :)



madbutnotmad
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14 Jan 2021, 2:07 pm

To me, it appears that you are feeling unlovable due to your difficult mental health condition (like many of us with ASD, anxiety disorders are extremely common).

In many ways this is actually good news? You may say wtf, how do you make that out?

Well, I think it is good news, as, at least you know what your circumstances are, which in turn points you in the direction of what you want to improve on. Some don't know what their problem is, which would be worse.

So. You have identified that the main obstacle for you being loved is the fact that you suffer from GAD, as well as ruminating on your difficult circumstances.

So, I recommend that you consider ways of improving your GAD. Although, sure, I am aware (as I also have GAD)
that GAD is a difficult condition to treat, however, there are some things you can do to improve your circumstances.

Perhaps this task is more important than finding love, and maybe, by improving your mental health / lifestyle,
you may find the right person for you to love, perhaps who are also into the same things or supporting people with GAD.

I learnt many years ago, that relationships aren't always the cure for all our problems in life,
and in some cases (for example, when the relationship is a massive mismatch), then relationships
can actually be a bigger source of misery than happiness, especially for the Asperger who experiences extremely strong emotions.

Getting the right medication can help improve your condition
Getting the right diet can help improve your condition
Getting the right exercise can help improve your condition
Getting the right therapy can help improve your condition

If you are open to it, I recommend some times of meditation as being helpful for people with ASD.
For example, breathing meditation, walking meditation, body scan relaxation therapy.

Playing music can be very healing, as well keeping yourself busy focussing your time on art work, writing, crafts.
Hope that helps
cheers



NaturalEntity
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15 Jan 2021, 3:09 pm

You are lovable, I promise. Just because others can't handle you doesn't mean that you aren't a lovable person. I'm here for comfort if you need me.


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lvpin
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15 Jan 2021, 10:12 pm

madbutnotmad wrote:
To me, it appears that you are feeling unlovable due to your difficult mental health condition (like many of us with ASD, anxiety disorders are extremely common).

In many ways this is actually good news? You may say wtf, how do you make that out?

Well, I think it is good news, as, at least you know what your circumstances are, which in turn points you in the direction of what you want to improve on. Some don't know what their problem is, which would be worse.

So. You have identified that the main obstacle for you being loved is the fact that you suffer from GAD, as well as ruminating on your difficult circumstances.

So, I recommend that you consider ways of improving your GAD. Although, sure, I am aware (as I also have GAD)
that GAD is a difficult condition to treat, however, there are some things you can do to improve your circumstances.

Perhaps this task is more important than finding love, and maybe, by improving your mental health / lifestyle,
you may find the right person for you to love, perhaps who are also into the same things or supporting people with GAD.

I learnt many years ago, that relationships aren't always the cure for all our problems in life,
and in some cases (for example, when the relationship is a massive mismatch), then relationships
can actually be a bigger source of misery than happiness, especially for the Asperger who experiences extremely strong emotions.

Getting the right medication can help improve your condition
Getting the right diet can help improve your condition
Getting the right exercise can help improve your condition
Getting the right therapy can help improve your condition

If you are open to it, I recommend some times of meditation as being helpful for people with ASD.
For example, breathing meditation, walking meditation, body scan relaxation therapy.

Playing music can be very healing, as well keeping yourself busy focussing your time on art work, writing, crafts.
Hope that helps
cheers


Thank you for the long response! I'm feeling a bit better now but I will take it on board because my emotions can be a bit volatile. I am feeling fine now but I also broke down four times today and had an anxiety attack so not very reliable. I actually find meditation is quite good sometimes but got out of the habit because of lockdown. I'm working on it and similar issues with diet and exercise. With diet it is harder because I often become really nauseous due to anxiety and can't get my food down. Couldn't eat breakfast today with gagging and this affects the exercise but I am trying as hard as I can. While I'm not the best rn I definitely have improved over the years.