Adult son and contact

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My son is 23 yo and we didn't get in contact until he was 20, his mother broke up with me when she was pregnant with him.
Both he and I have diagnoses and I find that it makes it hard to connect to each other. Not having contact during his childhood makes it hard too of course, to regain that kind of father/son relationship.
Not really asking for advice or so, but I'm in a complaining mode right now.

/Mats

mohsart,

I feel for your predicament. Fatherhood has gone out of fashion the last 100 years. As a result, many children grow without having learned consequences, limits, and accountability. Children raised with a father in the home often resent his restrictions and discipline. Often it is only in their later years they begin to appreciate what a father has given them.

The "bricks" that build a relationship is time. If you are starting from scratch, you might consider an invitation on a fishing trip. Traveling companions often have a lot of time for conversation and it might be a way to start to build a relationship. If he is not interested, you may just have to wait.

Good advice, thanks.
My plan was to make a trip to Japan with him last summer, since he studies Japanese and is very interested in the culture. But then, well we all know what happened...
So I was basically thinking in the same way already.

He grew up with his mothers new man, so I don't think he suffered that much from me not being around, but I do think that it would have been different with a "real" dad for him. But I really think it was a bigger problem for me than for him.

/Mats

Mats,

If you do get to make your trip to Japan, you might find it a little intimidating in places that are destinations for Japanese like several sites in Kyoto. School children are often given the assignment to find tourists for them to practice their English with. It can be embarrassing when their pronunciation is good, but they are unable to comprehend your response. However, your son should be able to work around that for you.

You might make an arrangement with someone at a Japanese consulate for a social dinner and you could arrange to have your son along so he could practice his Japanese conversation skills. The reason I suggest a consulate is that embassies often are fully engaged with diplomatic activities and you might not find someone who is free for social engagements.

Thanks,

I think I will be fine with that language bit, since I've travelled quite a bit in China previously.
Social dinner needs some thinking, I doubt either of us would feel comfortabe. And organizing stuff is not one of my strong sides.
But good to know that embassies may be helpful. Thanks again.

/Mats

I was the first baby my grandfather had ever held. I think fatherhood is more in fashion than it used to be.

Sure, men used to be the traditional disciplinarians, but that's meaningless if they're not active parents. "Just wait until your father gets home!" may as well mean "go ahead, do it" to most kids, because they can't plan ahead enough to take into account something that'll happen hours later. Besides, if they don't have an emotional bond to someone, discipline from that person just breeds resentment, not learning.

And now, more parents are realizing that good parenting isn't gendered, and both fathers and mothers can and should be both nurturers and disciplinarians.

Not that any of this is relevant to OP, who hasn't been involved in parenting at all.