A predator vs a guy who is interested in dating

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Summer_Twilight
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18 Feb 2021, 2:32 pm

Hi:
I was just reading some information about autistic girls and women having blindness when it comes to men who are good dating candidates verses a predator.


What are red flags?

What are good signs that someone wants to date you?



amykitten
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18 Feb 2021, 2:52 pm

When they try to kill you and when they rape you are pretty big flags, also cheating wouldn't go a miss.

But in all honesty I haven't got a clue. I mean the above have happened to me, but I've also had some good relationships. They all seem the same to me and can't see how either of their actions were different. I guess the cheater was more guarded around his pc/phone which makes sense. Also there is a different between the NT and AS ones so it makes it more complicated. I wish dating in the UK was more like South Korea then it would make a ton more sense I think.



diagnosedafter50
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18 Feb 2021, 2:57 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I was just reading some information about autistic girls and women having blindness when it comes to men who are good dating candidates verses a predator.


What are red flags?

What are good signs that someone wants to date you?

Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who seem to have a short temper such as in traffic, queues et cetera.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.
Most importantly listen to your intuition that little quiet voice inside that is always correct and act on it. Do not feel guilty about ending the relationship or friendship.
This is from someone who is vulnerable to this type of predator.
As I am vulnerable I may have missed out some vital Points.
Look online for warning signs of red flags regarding narcissists.
Google things like “Beware of narcissists “
I hope somebody else comes along with more tips.



IsabellaLinton
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18 Feb 2021, 3:12 pm

Beware of love-bombing. People who suddenly shower with you with affection, attention, gifts, time, or promises.

Relationships need to be organic, and grow over time.

Love-bombers are often hoping to sweep you off your feet so quickly that you get attached, and you only want more.

They're often narcissists who have another agenda, even if it isn't violent. They aren't good partners.

Beware also, of those who try to alienate you from your friends and family, or people whose opinion you trust.

Source: My life



amykitten
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18 Feb 2021, 3:21 pm

diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I was just reading some information about autistic girls and women having blindness when it comes to men who are good dating candidates verses a predator.


What are red flags?

What are good signs that someone wants to date you?

Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who seem to have a short temper such as in traffic, queues et cetera.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.
Most importantly listen to your intuition that little quiet voice inside that is always correct and act on it. Do not feel guilty about ending the relationship or friendship.
This is from someone who is vulnerable to this type of predator.
As I am vulnerable I may have missed out some vital Points.
Look online for warning signs of red flags regarding narcissists.
Google things like “Beware of narcissists “
I hope somebody else comes along with more tips.


I see that I am the issue as you have literally just described in all the beware phases. I personally think I'm a lovely person though and have no intention of hurting someone. I mean I hated sparing in tae kwon do lessons as I didn't want to hit the other person, although I liked doing the martial art itself.



Tim_Tex
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18 Feb 2021, 4:20 pm

I would rather have someone interested in me than be a predator, though a predator would be better than a bigot.


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Summer_Twilight
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18 Feb 2021, 5:13 pm

Reading some of your comments - here are some ideas

1. People who play mind games
2. People who are nice as long as you say yes but as soon as you cancel, they began to throw a tantrum and start talking about what a "Horrible person."
3. People who make comments like "I am nothing without you."


How do you tell when someone is not looking to take advantage of you?



Fnord
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18 Feb 2021, 5:30 pm

The Huffington Post has an article that goes into most of what was previously posted here, but in greater detail.

 6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship 

Note that it is not just men who can display these traits, but women can too.  For example, take my ex-wife...



:wink: ... please!


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IsabellaLinton
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18 Feb 2021, 6:48 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
What are good signs that someone wants to date you?


I mentioned red flags but forgot to answer this question.

- Genuine curiosity about getting to know you, your interests, and your personality
- They keep their own interests and personality, without assuming yours
- Actually paying attention to what you say, remembering the details, and asking questions
- Seeing you as a real person, without putting you on a pedestal or overexaggerating their feelings
- Asking your point of view, or how you feel about the relationship including your reservations
- Being humble and admitting when they make a mistake or have a bad day
- Saying "I'm sorry" as needed
- Accepting your apologies without guilt-tripping you, or failing to move on
- Giving you time and space to reflect or have time to yourself / with your friends and family
- Respecting your boundaries emotionally, socially, physically, sexually, financially, and other
- Being unattached to anyone else, and not having others on the side
- Being willing to communicate or problem solve when differences of opinion happen
- Willingness to meet your friends and family
- Not keeping mysterious secrets about their time, their history, or their character

If the person jumps right in from the start with all of this, with too much enthusiasm, and tries to become part of your world almost overnight it's a warning sign that they are likely too needy, or they are love-bombing you.

Relationships take time. A pause and reflect ("How are you feeling about this?") style is usually safe.

It took me almost a year to tell my boyfriend I loved him.
There wasn't a pressure to dive head-first into any type of commitment if I wasn't comfortable.



Rexi
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19 Feb 2021, 11:09 am

When they know better what's good for you and won't listen.

Control freaks, extremely aggressive for apparently no reason while you listen with an open mind.

In groups they seemingly aren't a team with you and flirt with friends and others, feel left out and worthless.

They completely change at some point and no matter the effort they only get worse. They will not change but confuse you with inputting angelic loving behavior.

Empty promises unrequested. Lies and lots of apologizing and worthless excuses to resist change that hurts others like 'its a habit'. When this impresses you and you empathize with their BS, giving only to receive nothing in return effort-wise.

Affection hungering, just giving enough to keep you around and not being emotionally involved\present. Talking about their new infatuation towards other people in the time they're with you. Not being able to call them out on their behavior or confront them out of fear of nasty reactions and threats and putting up with things they do.

Them being into substance use, suicidal behavior that worries you constantly and doesn't improve with your and their friends support. Blaming you for their behavior.

Their family doesn't know you exist. They are able to tell them heavier things but not being taken.
Their family doesn't reply to your messages. Warning you against contacting family members, relatives, friends, exes etc.


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Summer_Twilight
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19 Feb 2021, 12:11 pm

Thank you, Isabella Linton - that helped

I can think of a few male acquaintances who were predator material. Based on what I have read - some red flags ,
1. They were very insistent or pushy about coming over to my house or getting together too soon
2. They started invading my space
3. Asking me lots of nosy questions
4. They tried to control me
5. A few of them touched me or kissed me without my consent
6. They criticized me or put me down
7. I had one play mind game me



Fnord
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19 Feb 2021, 12:17 pm

This must be said without whining or self-deprecation, so I will say it.

• If a guy is pushy, intrusive, and controlling, then he is likely a predator, and should be avoided.

• But if a guy is passive, polite, and submissive, then he may be a "Nice Guy™", and will likely be avoided.

So what defines the middle ground?


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League_Girl
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19 Feb 2021, 12:18 pm

diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I was just reading some information about autistic girls and women having blindness when it comes to men who are good dating candidates verses a predator.


What are red flags?

What are good signs that someone wants to date you?

Beware of charming people.
Beware of people who fill you with compliments and make you feel like royalty.
Beware of people who seem to have a short temper such as in traffic, queues et cetera.
Beware of people who make you feel good.
Beware of people who want to fall in love with you quickly are whom you fall in love with quickly.
Most importantly listen to your intuition that little quiet voice inside that is always correct and act on it. Do not feel guilty about ending the relationship or friendship.
This is from someone who is vulnerable to this type of predator.
As I am vulnerable I may have missed out some vital Points.
Look online for warning signs of red flags regarding narcissists.
Google things like “Beware of narcissists “
I hope somebody else comes along with more tips.



OMG, some of this sounds like my ex and I did not feel anything was off then. But I was pretty young then too.


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magz
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19 Feb 2021, 12:44 pm

Fnord wrote:
This must be said without whining or self-deprecation, so I will say it.

• If a guy is pushy, intrusive, and controlling, then he is likely a predator, and should be avoided.

• But if a guy is passive, polite, and submissive, then he may be a "Nice Guy™", and will likely be avoided.

So what defines the middle ground?
Respect? Respecting both you and him/her-self?

I was with a "Nice Guy™" for some time. Geez. You get all the frustration and passive agression and you're portrayed villain when you don't appreciate this "being nice" enough.
I was so happy when I learned he dumped the girlfriend he had after me. It meant he grew.


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Fnord
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19 Feb 2021, 12:48 pm

magz wrote:
Fnord wrote:
This must be said without whining or self-deprecation, so I will say it.

• If a guy is pushy, intrusive, and controlling, then he is likely a predator, and should be avoided.

• But if a guy is passive, polite, and submissive, then he may be a "Nice Guy™", and will likely be avoided.

So what defines the middle ground?
Respect? Respecting both you and him/her-self? ...
Elaborate on this, please?


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magz
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19 Feb 2021, 1:00 pm

Fnord wrote:
magz wrote:
Fnord wrote:
This must be said without whining or self-deprecation, so I will say it.

• If a guy is pushy, intrusive, and controlling, then he is likely a predator, and should be avoided.

• But if a guy is passive, polite, and submissive, then he may be a "Nice Guy™", and will likely be avoided.

So what defines the middle ground?
Respect? Respecting both you and him/her-self? ...
Elaborate on this, please?
You appreciate another person without putting yourself down - and vice versa, value yourself without making others look bad.

I don't know how to describe it but when I finally found myself in a healthy relationship, the strength of our personalities results in both of us growing and appreciating each other even more - instead of fighting and putting each other down or putting selves down and then uncontrollably compensating.


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