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yogiB1
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19 Feb 2021, 9:01 pm

I would like to share something that I need some advise and perspective on. If you don’t want to read the whole thing you can skip down to the second to last paragraph.

I know some of us ND people tend to want to diagnose everything about ourselves. This for me kind of hit me out of nowhere and has sent me on a rabbit trail of trying to figure things out.

Here is the backstory. I was married for 4 years, and experienced a LOT of trauma during that time. I ended up leaving my home for safety reasons and because my husband was an alcoholic who was extremely depressed and I was just collateral damage. Well, within a few month span of time I finalized my divorce, fixed up our house by myself, sold the house, moved back to my home state (but to a city I’ve never lived in), then adjusted slightly and then bought another house and moved in. There was a lot of things that happened in that short period of time and I felt like my entire self shut off and I was on hyper speed with trying to get everything done. So once I got to my new city everything seemed fine, it was very hard at first because I knew no one and a lot of things are shut down. I did a lot of hiking, spent time in nature, and did what I could while preparing to move into my new house. At that point I was feeling a little relief from being “done” with most of the chaos I was experience. The weekend I moved into my house my mom came in town and helped me. Here’s when it all started...

When I was staying at the temporary apartment I was thinking (I’m not sure why) I had some kind of medical situation going on and I need to go to the doctor. I couldn’t shake it but then I got busy with buying my house. When I moved into my house (it’s in the mountains and built into a hill), I started having these crazy delusions about my house falling off the hill. Then I thought my house was crooked. Then I thought there must be something terribly wrong. My mom was getting ready to leave and all of a sudden I started having severe anxiety, almost panic attack level. My mom stayed a little longer to help me but it didn’t do much because I knew the inevitable. She left and I started freaking out about everything in my house like every noise was a threat, I thought surely this house is about to cave in on itself. Then about a week later I got a call from someone who was very much into a conspiracy theory and they told me a bunch of stuff that freaked me out. Then I seemed to have no problems with my house, and all the panic transferred to the “impending doom” that could happen. It’s all I could think about, I lost sleep over it, I couldn’t eat, all of it. Then when all that subsided, all the panic went back to my house again because I found out the seller of the house lied about something major and I had to pay thousands of dollars immediately when I moved in to fix it. Which sent me into debt, which gave me more anxiety and created an even deeper seated fear of everything going wrong. So I’ve been in this place absolutely catastrophizing about every single tiny imperfection. I stand at certain angles and make sure my house isn’t tilting. I feel absolutely insane. I didn’t feel like that when I looked at the house all those times before I bought it!!

The anxiety has been so bad that I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I go days without leaving my house and I’m perfectly okay with it. Hell, I haven’t even been showering as much because I’m paranoid something else might break. Everyone who has been to my house has been like.. huh? You have an awesome house what’s wrong with you? I know it’s illogical. I live alone, and I stare at this house all day because I work from home so I guess it makes sense in a way that that’s what I would be focusing on.

So I was talking with a friend and was explaining that I could see whatever this panic is getting transferred to different things. Basically to whatever is in front of me at the time. It’s as if everything I’m experiencing is a threat, and my brain is taking every thought all the way to the extreme. Well she has experienced PTSD and told me that it sounds a LOT like it. She told me what I was saying sounded like hyper vigilance. So I look into in great detail and OH MY GOSH it makes perfect sense. I was so scared in my marriage, I experience little and big traumas over and over and over again and that’s was the state of mind I was in all the time. Chronic unpredictability. Chronic stress. Chronic chaos. Chronic fear. Chronic gaslighting, manipulation, fights, and a bunch of other things happening daily. From what I understand, when someone experiences those things it can create complex PTSD. I looked into the symptoms and I have almost every single one. But what’s weird is that now that my life is calm, steady, consistent, predictable.. it’s like my mind still thinks that LITERALLY everything is a threat and I should go immediately back into that old state because I’m on high alert. It’s only gotten worse as the days have gone by. I don’t even know what it’s like to feel calm anymore. And I’ve looked into how to fix this and it doesn’t seem like anything helps me. :( I apologize for the novel

Has anyone experienced PTSD? Even with childhood trauma or abuse. I feel like I am the only one on the planet who is struggling with this!! ! Maybe it’s not “diagnosably” that but it sure fits 100% I feel crazy. It’s like my subconscious takes over with ONE thought and immediately I’m sweating and my heart is pounding and I’m paralyzed.


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kraftiekortie
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19 Feb 2021, 9:26 pm

There's plenty of people here who have PTSD/CPTSD.



Jakki
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19 Feb 2021, 9:51 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
There's plenty of people here who have PTSD/CPTSD.



Agrees with kraftie. Yes indeed , I think it is very possible that many Aspies experience , ptsd etc .
And it helps to have a doctor to provide treatment for these conditions .....
Am glad you have survived what you have,and are able to get through your days, even as difficult as it seems. :D


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IsabellaLinton
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19 Feb 2021, 10:11 pm

Hi yogi!

I think we may have interacted a couple of years ago, something about your joint-finances at the time?

First off, congratulations on making these huge changes in your life which seem to have been necessary. It's hard to leave abusive situations without experiencing a lot of insecurity, doubt, and stress. The most important thing for you to realise is that you are safe now.

As I was reading I kept thinking "hyper-vigilance!", so when you mentioned that word in your conclusion I totally agree. Are you in a post-traumatic stage of your life? Of course you are. Are you experiencing symptoms of a stress disorder, as a result? It seems you are. Your mind is not accustomed to making independent lifestyle decisions, so at this stage everything you encounter will be accompanied by double-checking, second-guessing, and feeling insecure. Try not to let that overshadow your sense of accomplishment and pride. You've come a long way and I hope you can give yourself credit for the positive choices you've made in that journey.

Trauma (particularly Complex Trauma) can cause emotional triggers. This means that when you are confronted with an emotion or situation which is similar to one during your past, your mind will subconsciously recognise the dissonance and put you into fight / flight / freeze / or fawn mode. In our case, "freeze" often presents as a shutdown. Triggers and flashbacks don't have to be visual replays of what you saw or did. They run much deeper and can be more subtle. The act of making a decision "Is the house tilted?", seemingly reminds your subconscious of other stressful decisions from the past: "Should I leave him? Can I leave him? Will I be safe?" Then the simple act of (any) decision-making triggers those emotional memories, even if you aren't aware. The brain makes those connections involuntarily, causing a destabilising chemical response for your entire body. Decision-making of any topic might trigger this response in you for quite some time. Remind yourself that you made GOOD decisions in the past, and you are likely to make them again.

Your mind is probably afraid at this point. You aren't used to autonomy or relying on your own judgement. Try to take it one day at a time, and forgive yourself when you have a bad day. Your body and your mind will both take quite a while to heal. Be patient with yourself, practise loving self-care, and try to soothe that inner-child in your psyche who was so badly injured by the fallout from your marriage.

Hugs, and welcome back to WP.



KimD
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19 Feb 2021, 10:24 pm

Hi Yogi,

You are DEFINITELY not alone! My PTSD came about 15 years ago from some really bad reactions to a painkiller--I had horrifying, recurring hallucinations that I'd died and gone to hell. Doctors kept telling me it wasn't a reaction to the medication; I was just imagining things, so I started thinking either I really was in hell, or I was losing my mind--or perhaps losing my mind was my hell. It started a cycle of panic attacks and flashbacks that took me a while to work through. I couldn't watch some of my favorite shows anymore, freaked out at bed time and whenever I woke up in the middle of the night, got depressed, and became hyper-vigilant, as you described. Complicating the situation was the lingering neuro-chemical damage of the painkiller, which made it harder for me sometimes to convince myself that I was only having a panic attack about a possible hallucination, and not a hallucination itself--or even panicking about a potential panic attack that hadn't even occurred yet!

Somewhere along my journey, I found a psychiatrist who responded to my hypothesis about the painkiller by saying, essentially, "Oh, hell yeah--it's called steroid psychosis, and I've seen a lot of people who've gone through it." When he told me I was experiencing PTSD because of it, I felt it would be wrong for me to accept that diagnosis because I hadn't been to war or suffered the kind of abuse you have, but I've learned it's not as uncommon or limited as I once thought. FWIW, I'm NT, but I think that our reactions to fear are almost universal--and if we've been through trauma, sometimes all it takes is a single thought, sound, image, scent, etc.

For years now, I've been back at the point where I know intrinsically that I'm not in danger, can enjoy a good night's sleep, and can even watch the reruns of one of my favorite shows that used to be a trigger for flashbacks; it's nice to get caught up on the seasons I missed!

You've been through many tremendous stressors, so your body and mind are primed to either fight or flee even if you know there's no real threat--and are living with new ones--so please understand that, yes, you may be experiencing PTSD, too. You're definitely not alone. Please reach out to a doctor for help--you can probably find some online, and maybe even one who'll meet with you online. (Don't be hard on yourself for staying home during a pandemic! :) ) Cheers to better days ahead!



somesortofvariant
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03 Mar 2021, 6:59 am

I have really appreciated reading about your experience and hearing everyone's thoughtful responses.

A couple of years ago I started to experience a mid-life crisis, which now accepting that I am likely on the spectrum, I see this period as a burnout/regression. At that time I entered the land of psychotherapy, and I learned about CPTSD for the first time. It helped to make sense of many (but not all) of my behaviors and responses to the world. My CPTSD comes from childhood emotional neglect and family instability. I have not experienced the type of anxious thinking that you have described. My anxiety is more of a vague feeling of unease. However, my sister has totally described having thoughts similar to what you described about the house.

I wanted to share that we both found this book to be very helpful to understand CPTSD:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

With warm wishes for a strong recovery. :heart:



magz
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03 Mar 2021, 8:55 am

yogiB1 wrote:
But what’s weird is that now that my life is calm, steady, consistent, predictable.. it’s like my mind still thinks that LITERALLY everything is a threat and I should go immediately back into that old state because I’m on high alert.
That's exactly how it works. The war is over but your mind is still living in it.
It takes time to process all your thoughts, feelings and memories. It takes time to learn to be with Yourself. When you just need to survive, your mind develops a variety of coping mechanisms. They don't go away just because the external threat is over. They need time and many new experiences from new, safe reality - and in the meantime, your misadaptations take form of PTSD and C-PTSD.

How was your childhood? In my therapy, I needed to reinterpret some memories even from when I was 2yo - the pattern of denial and violating boundaries was the "normal" in which I grew so it needed quite a lot of work to learn anew what is healthy and what is sick.


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chaosmos
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22 Jul 2021, 7:24 pm

I really relate to what everyone here is saying.
I have experienced decades of compounded, complex trauma which stemmed from years of physical and emotional violence at home. I had a real light bulb moment when a therapist I was seeing at the time said to me: 'I don't think I can help you as you need a trauma specialist'. I had been seeing various therapists since I was 14 and this revelation happened at 28. I'd just lost my partner and step children because of my seriously unstable mental health. I then started researching C-PTSD and was recommended a therapist who specialises in trauma. I've worked with her for 4 years and it saved my life.
I have deeply lived experience of many of the presentations of C-PTSD, such as hyper-arousal, hyper-vigilance, aggression, panic attacks, unstable work and relationships, bouts of extreme anxiety, dissociation. Sometimes it's as if I stopped developing past the age of 6. I've also noticed, as life has taken on more predictability, that I will try and create chaos as that feels more normal than safety. The recovery is slow but a testament of my strength and I don't think I could have done it without serious and dedicated support around me working together to get me well. I rejoined with my ex and step children last year after 3 years of healing and it's proof the hard work pays off.

Now to manage my associated ASD! Ha!



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23 Jul 2021, 7:51 pm

Congratulations and good luck …best wishes for your future. ! :D


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