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KT67
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15 Mar 2021, 7:19 pm

My mum was showing me recent photos.

I look like a girl in one of them.

Nothing like myself in my head.

I'm 32 and a trans man.

I can't believe the thoughts in this brain come out of that body.

Is this a normal feeling for trans people? Esp for guys?

Is it a normal thing for aspies?

I looked normal in two of the pictures. Mostly focused on the face.

Third one looked weird cos I had a huge outline of breasts showing and also was licking an ice cream. It looked oddly sexual to me. Like soft core porn from the 50s. She didn't notice any of that, she just knew I was happy when I had that ice cream. Which is true: I was.

And when I think what do I look like? I don't have any image. Except my face. I'm that dude with the medium length hair and the dark glasses and the mole over my lip. I don't even honestly see myself as short.

Only time I'm aware of my body is when it's in pain and I hate those moments beyond what I should hate them for because they take me out of my brain.

It wasn't even like self loathing it was like 'who is she?'. Lack of recognition.

I think this summer I'm gonna invest in some proper size/baggy t shirts so when I look at photos of me licking an ice cream I don't just see moobs.


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funeralxempire
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15 Mar 2021, 7:58 pm

KT67 wrote:
Third one looked weird cos I had a huge outline of breasts showing and also was licking an ice cream. It looked oddly sexual to me. Like soft core porn from the 50s.


Almost like your physical form was so 'not you' that you looked at it through the lens of male gaze? Hey who's that? Oh. Right.

I'm not sure the two factors can be separated and they likely multiple each other's influence.

I know when I see myself in mirrors or whatever it's only rarely that I resemble the person I picture. They're not entirely different people but it's like two different characters played by the same person and I'm always the awkward one imitating the suave one, only rarely am I the suave one. The mannerisms and movements aren't what I envision, like if I imagine my movements resembling a tiger the reality is they're more like an anxious feral cat.

I'd imagine if there's that level of disconnect plus you're seeing 'some girl' instead of yourself it would be the two factors interacting.



FleaOfTheChill
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17 Mar 2021, 6:13 am

I don't know where my body disconnect comes from, but I know I have it going on. Mirrors are surreal to me, pictures unreal. I'm not sure what exactly I think I look like, but it's not the person I see in pictures. To further complicate things for me, pictures seem very inconsistent to me. The mirror is a little more consistent in showing similar-ish images to me, but still it's weird seeing me. It's hard for me to truly connect with the understanding that I am who and what I see. You might as well ask me to wrap my head around exactly how big the universe is.

Yeah, I'm not sure if mine is an autism thing or a nonbinary thing (sometimes pictures look distinctly masculine or feminine yet I feel no connect to either). No dysphoria from it, it's just weird to me. But maybe it's something else entirely. Who knows. Not me. I just know that I'm not a fan of photos with me in them.



Rexi
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19 Mar 2021, 3:55 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
KT67 wrote:
Third one looked weird cos I had a huge outline of breasts showing and also was licking an ice cream. It looked oddly sexual to me. Like soft core porn from the 50s.


Almost like your physical form was so 'not you' that you looked at it through the lens of male gaze? Hey who's that? Oh. Right.

I'm not sure the two factors can be separated and they likely multiple each other's influence.

I know when I see myself in mirrors or whatever it's only rarely that I resemble the person I picture. They're not entirely different people but it's like two different characters played by the same person and I'm always the awkward one imitating the suave one, only rarely am I the suave one. The mannerisms and movements aren't what I envision, like if I imagine my movements resembling a tiger the reality is they're more like an anxious feral cat.

I'd imagine if there's that level of disconnect plus you're seeing 'some girl' instead of yourself it would be the two factors interacting.

Fully relate to your experience.

From the trans people I read experiences of on lgbtq sites there is a disconnect with the body and especially female features even so much that it becomes really uncomfortable and stressful, depressing. It's ongoing throughout the day, body dysphoria, though there are moments where they don't think about it. It's like anxiety, maybe irritating and they may feel ashamed and wish for others to not treat their body the normal way but for their assigned gender. Or even regard\view it that way, not want to be seen.


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