Any tips on how to make online friends?

Post Reply New Topic

This is kind of a vague question, but that's because I don't have any idea of how to go about making friends online or offline anymore. Just talking to new people gives me anxiety at this point since my last partner would get jealous if I talked to other people, so I haven't been able to talk to anyone "new" for 2-3 years and now have almost no skills regarding making friends.

Does anyone have tips or experiences they can share regarding making online friends, and possibly tips for talking to new people 1-on-1 and keeping their interest since that's one of my biggest issues?

Do not whine, do not complain, do not insult, do not exaggerate your importance, and do not lie.

I try not to do those things, especially whining and complaining.

I've heard that people like being asked questions about them and their interests, so when I start talking to people I try to do that, but I honestly don't know what else to talk about or how else to respond to them. I feel like conversations with people I don't know well get really boring really fast.

What are your interests/hobbies?

Do you look for people and groups who share your interests/hobbies? Or have you just been trying to make friends with random people? (The former is a more likely route to friendship. You can have conversations focussing on the common interests/hobbies.)

One point about trying to make online friends: It is generally best to talk to people in public forums/groups for a while first before you private-message them. Most people don't like receiving too many PM's/DM's, especially from people they don't already know.

I like The Legend of Zelda, looking up stuff about animals that interest me (like apes and rodents), and cooking.

I try to look for people who have similar interests. I was trying to find people on online games before, but my internet is too crappy to play those now. lol I think the interests thing is part of my issue though, because most people don't want to just talk about the couple interests we share, and when I can tell they're getting bored I don't know what else to talk about.

I also don't really DM people first because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Most people I DM with have contacted me first, and we've talked a bit on forums/games before that.

True, there's a lot more to friendship than just shared interests, although shared interests can be an important aspect of friendship.

Hopefully here on Wrong Planet, and/or in other similar forums, you might be able to find deeper online friendships with people with whom you have more in common than just a shared hobby or two.

Would you like to enable the possibility of an online friend becoming a real-life friend? If so, I strongly recommend putting your actual general location in your profile -- not some fictional location. Don't get specific enough to endanger your privacy, but at least mention your country and, if you live in a large country, your state/province or general region and/or your nearest major metro area.

Even if you, personally, are completely neutral on the question of whether you would like any of your online friends to become real-life friends, including your approximate location in your profile will likely make other people who live in your general area at least somewhat more interested in contacting you.

Also you might want to consider changing your signature. I would recommend using your signature to indicate, briefly, your hobbies and anything else about you that you want people to know right away. In my opinion, your signature should feature things about you that are different from most other people here; it can thus attract people with whom you have more in common than just autism.

I'm okay with eventually meeting people in real life, so your suggestion about adding my actual location is helpful. I haven't done that yet because I was paranoid about people knowing my location at first, and then I forgot I made it fictional. lol

I'll try to change my signature, since that's also a really good suggestion. I never know what to put in sigs, but I do want people to be interested in talking to me when they see mine.

Thank you for your responses, Mona. I haven't really thought about those two things before and your suggestions were very helpful.

I'm glad I was able to help.

If you are having trouble thinking of a good signature, perhaps you could brainstorm possible future signatures here in this thread (or another thread if you prefer)?

EDIT: I saw your new sig just now:


Looks good to me.

If you don't constantly get irritated at people, I'm sure you'll make a decent amount of friends.

I don't constantly get irritated at people. Does it seem like I constantly have issues with other people?

Not at all. I don't see that in you. You're a pretty reasonable guy, I find.

But I do notice that people who have trouble making friends often get pissed off about what people say----to the point where they can't be in the same room with that person.

This is why many quite intelligent people have trouble making friends. It's because they have very high standards for themselves and for others.

I definitely have noticed that can contribute to people having issues making friends, so I have tried to learn to just ignore things people do/say that I don't agree with.

I at least don't think that I often get pissed off at people, besides for having some issues with my temper lately, which I am working on by trying to eliminate stress.

This is indeed a trait that can make it difficult to make and keep friends, but by no means do all people with difficulty making friends have this trait. Conversely, I've also known a few people who were pretty darned pissy but nevertheless managed to make and keep some friends.

Of course, other factors being equal, it's an undesirable trait. I think it's important to learn to respond gracefully to criticism if possible.

"This is why many quite intelligent people have trouble making friends. It's because they have very high standards for themselves and for others."

This describes both me and my husband well. I would say that it is possible though to make friends with having high standard but if you do go that route you have to really put the effort in with the people you find who meet those standards because you're less likely to ever have a social group the way a lot of NTs do. Because I opperate like this I never had a friend group in high school rather I had a few individual good friends who I thought were people worth the effort and then I would be able to hang out with their friend groups when I wanted. It worked better for me cause I never had to keep up with a large network of friends which would just be too much energy.

As for OP making friends online... I met my husband online and have made a few other good online friends. Like you said online convos with strangers tend to get boring fast. But they're basically a litmus test. You need to have a lot of them cause otherwise you will never find the few people for whom they don't get boring fast. In general when I have found these people we will talk non-stop for the first week at least. Thats how you know you found someone worth while and if you have then you need to put in the effort. Basically ask them about themselves and learn about their perspective so you can offer good advice and be there for them and they'll do the same for you. I have used the "36 questions to fall in love" thing to break the ice with non-romantic interests who I really enjoy talking to as it can help transition from more theoretical talk into discussing your own lives. I guess a lot of NTs might find it weird but my autistic friends liked it cause it was straight forward and systematic and my NT friends are people okay with a bit of weirdness or they wouldn't want to be friends with me lol.

Even before the pandemic, and even so much stay at home times, I've long felt that the goals of making online friendships are not important.

I understand that penpals (old-fashioned correspondence away from the distractions of TECH.) have seen renewed interest - hence ways to correspond with people at a distance.

After the pandemic is under control, reconsider online sites (best known) www.meetup.com - whose purpose is to coordinate activities to meet people in one's local regions. Refocus on activities requiring thoughtful participation. For example, arts related activities offer excellent opportunities to "break the ice!"

The best way I've found to make friends online is to just be yourself and be honest and open. I am on here to make new friends too, so feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. My name is Emily, I'm 34 from MN.