Do You Think Dating Would Be Easier If You Were Neurotypical

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That's an eloquent metaphor.

(There has to be some good way to make dating less awkward for people in general, but that should probably be a topic for a separate thread.)

Personally, I would have found even asking them for a date easy, but for some reason (maybe advice from friends? ) I was under an impression that asking directly is a bad idea and you should express your attraction in some oblique way. I am under impression now that if I just had approached it in "Hey, I like you, how about going out on a date together" kind of way, it would have been much easier both for me and the girls. Not like I can try it now, as I'm married. I wish I could, it would be interesting experience, imo.

I also found intimate relationships much harder than dating. It felt like a going through a freaking minefield. Regardless of your intentions, you know that it's going to explode, but have no idea when, why or how to fix it. The feeling of helplessness in such cases is really horrible.

So yeah, I think that being NT would help a great deal. If you're NT, it's just sufficient to be confident, reasonably attractive and not a **** to be moderately successful with ladies. If you're not an NT, you lack a whole category of skills to do so.

What were the circumstances? You can't go up to a pretty girl you don't know and ask her out. Or to someone who is kind of in your circle, but who you never talk to.

Both my sister and my best friend were asked out directly. They had been in the same social circles as their now husbands and had got comfortable around each other before the dude said, hey do you want to go out with me? They said yes. And did not complain about the directness.

Last edited by hurtloam on 28 Mar 2021, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Trust me: it’s not wise it go up to a stranger and ask her for a date right of the bat. You have to get to know the person a little at first

Oops. Significant typo. I meant can't!

Yeah, I know that NOW. I've read about this approach in some guy's blog post a year ago with lots of examples. Just wish I knew this like 12 years ago. It would have made the dating stuff so much simpler for me. I've read some other general dating advice or even books on the topic and it's always so complicated there. This is much better: You like->You ask->She accepts->You go out with her OR She declines->You leave->You evaluate the encounter. Finito. Why to make stuff more complicated than it really is, if it can be made simple.

The circumstances were what you describe, but mostly in some sort of social circle, or in appropriate social situation. Like at college, there were some girls I liked, but never asked out, waiting for the correct moment, befriending them instead (or not even that). Or going to rock/pop concerts with my friend, seeing some cute girls there, but listening to my friend that it's inappropriate to go to talk to them. I mean, what's inappropriate about going to chat to some girls who are drinking at a concert without having boyfriends there? I mean what's the worst thing that they could do to us? Telling us to leave them alone? Like that's an end of the world.

Why not? What's the worst case that could happen? Would she call the cops on me feeling harassed by such a question? I can understand that this approach is going to yield pretty low success rate, but still.

Girls in groups frequently don’t want to talk to people who are outside their group. Both guys and gals. But especially guys.

They’re usually together to talk about “girl stuff.” Stuff that’s private between them. Like who they have a crush on, or whatever.

It’s just not polite to just go up to a girl who is minding her own business. Most girls find that obnoxious.

You should watch the “wild and crazy guys” sketch on Saturday Night Live.” It satirizes the PUA approach.

The only reason you really need us that they don't like it. Why would you do something to someone that they don't like?

You show a lack of compassion. You are aware she feels harassed, but don't care. The fact that she feels harassed is the consequence. Yet you are only concerned about what would happen to you.

Well, if such behavior would be perceived as harassment, of course it would be wrong to do that (I was being sarcastic about the woman calling the cops on me - I doubt any woman would do that). However, do women find an expression of interest like that as harassing? Because I doubt that. From what I know, women (and people in general for that matter) feel harassed when you persist in doing something that they declined/expressed lacked of interest, or so, or if you invade their personal space. In that respect even engaging a stranger in a conversation that he/she is clearly not interested is a sort of harassment and should not be done.



Do they though? The blogger that wrote about this had a different conclusion, saying that in general women actually seemed appreciative of his interest, even if they refused him for whatever reason.

And I can sort of understand it. Whenever I walk around the city and someone starts asking me for directions to a nearest courthouse or something, it's sort of obnoxious. I have to stop, remove my headphones, stop thinking about whatever I'm thinking and concentrate on the person asking the question. And then do the reverse steps once the person leaves. It's annoying and obnoxious for me - yet it's polite to assist the other person, even though the situation is all about that person. I literally couldn't care less, whether he finds the courthouse or not, I'm just helping him because it's the polite thing to do. Btw, it's also the reason, why I always try to resolve a situation alone, before asking strangers for help - because for them it will likely be an annoyance.

But I'd hardly be feeling annoyed if some gay guy would just asked me out (I'm not gay in the slightest, btw), because in that case, at least the interaction is about me and not about what the other person wants. I'd probably even feel complimented that someone expressed an interest in me, though I have no interest in that person. It just feels nice. Of course, I'd feel annoyed if he persisted after I said no, or if the interaction happened somewhere in a dark alley or something and I would feel threatened by him, or if he would invade my personal space by coming up too close, or touching me. Also, I'd find it annoying if he would try to chat me up, because that would be wasting my time.

Now, I could be wrong and not understanding how woman's mind works, but from the experience of the abovementioned blogger and from my own understanding of the dynamics of such interpersonal situations, I sort of don't understand why such behavior would be perceived as a harassment or obnoxious. I'd need some data contradicting this to change my view on this.

By the way, how would you, hurtloam, personally feel about such situation? Imagine you're standing somewhere at a bus station, guy walks up to you, smiles and says, "Hello, you seem to be a really nice person, may I ask you out?". You refuse, he says "Ok, have a good day then" and leaves. What would be your feelings about that situation? I'm really interested, because that's the kind of data I need to reevaluate my position on this.

I would feel scared. I would think, who is this stranger? Will he become angry if I say no? It would put me on edge. I would be thinking at 100miles an hour trying to find the correct words so as not to antagonise him.

I was walking back to my car once after a gig and a random guy came up to me and started talking to me. I was scared. I kept the conversation polite. He was also polite. Told me he'd just been on a trip to Berlin. He wanted to go get a drink with me. I was relieved that I was just about to reach my car. I pointed at it and told him I was just about to drive home. It had been a long night and I wanted to go home.

I was so relieved that he turned out to be nice and just said good night and went on his way
It left me feeling anxious. It left me feeling like I had escaped danger.

If I'd been in a group I would have felt less intimidated. And just smiled and chatted and said no thanks, but would have my friends for protection.

If a man approached me at a bus stop and was just asking for directions or what time the next bus was arribing or a charity canvasser with a logo on their tabbardd or hoodie I wouldn't feel on the defense because I would feel more in control. I would know the purpose of the conversation.

I'm British, we don't really talk to strangers for general chit chat reasons.

Getting chatted up is scary because you don't know who's a good guy and who is not. Immediate stance is defence.

It feels safter to get asked out by someone I know through work or friends, whom I have interacted with reguarly. Not that it happens very often. I can count the times on 1 hand. But it feels safter with someone you know.

I'm not sure. I see so many relationships between NTs break up and some NTs are alone and can't find anyone else even if they want to. I know an extroverted NT who has been on so many dates with different NT people but none seemed to have worked out. Then she joined a dating site, and as far as I know, is still single.

I think making friends would be easier if I were neurotypical though. I know more single neurotypicals than friendless neurotypicals.

Btw, I had a discussion with my wife about the idea of asking out strangers, I'm putting it into spoiler, as it's long:

Ah, yes.

Eastern Europeans and Russians are way more direct in conversation I've found. There is a definite cultural difference.

I do find them easier to talk to in general. I thought I might meet an Eastern European guy once I moved to the city because I have female Polish and Hungarian friends that I can be myself with and enjoy the company of, but that hasn't happened.

I think the Eastern European man I met and got on well with thought I wasn't an ideal housewife type and said I was fun, but no to long term.

Some women would be flattered....but many would feign being flattered.

Why can’t you just talk to a woman a little bit before asking her out?