Wanting a relationship, but unable to handle one.

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So.. I'm, having this problem...

I'm back on my feet financially, have stable shelter, I'm on all the medication I need to be on to be stable.. I'm about as good as I'm going to get, but the problem remains...

Crippling ADHD, a strong personality, and ASD are making it really hard.. The problem mostly arises from the fact that I have a hard time engaging in activities or giving women the attention they feel they need..

I don't really have a hard time finding relationships, because I've been blessed with alright looks, and I come off as fairly neurotypical at first (as long as my Tourette's are medicated,) but neurotypical women find me to be "uninterested" or "detached," which is the exact opposite of what I really am.. I realize I may be detached in some ways, or uninterested in certain things they may be saying, but I get extremely attached to my partners, both emotionally and physically..

Just having my partners around me in the past was more than enough to make me feel like the happiest guy in the world.. As long as they were happy *with* me. Often, almost always, that was really all I needed from them in terms of emotional support.. But neurotypical people require a lot more on average it seems! A lot that I apparently have to learn how to give.. Lol.. My therapist is right, and I agree, and can tell.. It's not that I can't give that support, it's not that I don't want to.. I just have a hard time expressing it, like anyone with ASD does..

The last time I formed a relationship, after we broke up about 3 years later, it shook me so bad that it took me years to even be able to talk to another female again, I'd turn the TV off when I saw a woman, any kind of reminder or trigger and I'd just start feeling like crud...

Anyone out there have any success or have any tips? I'm scared to try again, but my therapist says I really need to start trying to form close relationships.. She's concerned my isolation is beginning to have negative consequences on my mental health, and while making casual friends has never been my strong suit, I have had success with romantic relationships.. I've had two relationships, one lasted 3 years, the other almost 4, but to get that attached just to be left behind because your partner felt like you didn't love them or weren't interested is just.. soul crushing.. Especially when you really do care for them..

One big reason I'm having some trepidation about it is because my counselor said I just need to make potential partners aware of my issues, but my partners in the past were aware and it seemed to keep slipping their mind.. Or they'd be aware, and remember, but it just wouldn't matter because my issues were causing issues for them..

Hell, my issues slip my mothers mind and she RAISED me.. She's constantly apologizing to me for triggering me in various ways..

I think my mom has some issues herself, she just refuses to get them checked out - aaaand I think I might have just answered my own question in a way.. It's quite possible my partners had some issues of their own.. Hmmm.. There's a lot to think about..

I am super open to more perspective and discussion. Ugh, everything always feels so hopeless. Poop!

Lets Just Say 3 & 4 Year Relationships is a Sign . Maybe Try To Be More Actively Engaging . and Let People Know When You Want To Chill On Your Own (So They Know The Score) .

Turning Off The Tv at The Sight of a Woman is Deep .

There Are Billions of People Out There . Sometimes You Have To Cast Your Net Further Out To Make a Catch . Next Town for Example .

I Guess Like Suggested By Your Therapist . You Have To Try .

ile Be Straight . Longest Relationship ive Had .. Less Than a Year .. and Before That 2-3 Weeks . its Not The Initiation Thats an Issue . Sometimes Things Can Sizzle Out . Your Ex Partners Might Have Just Picked an Lame Excuse To Exit . You Will Find The Right One Eventually . Look at The Past as a Building Phase Of Finding Your Potential Life Partner

You are good at explaining things and a lot braver then I am because I was too scared to start dating foe many years. My first date was when I was around 34 to 36 years old.

In recent years I found online easier, because once I feel happy with the lady I am far more prepared to meet her so the nurves have somewhat already been delt with because I have learned some of her ways.

My first date was when I was 16 and it was a complete disaster that never happened because of my stupid faceblindness. How was I to know that I spent almost 45 minutes standing right next to her? Is why I did not date after that until my mid 30's when a young lady asked me out, which lasted for about 6 to 8 months and took me years to get over. She had problems! Unknown to me she was dating others at the same time and also, I found out after many months of dating her that she was already married. I did not know. Her sister let it slip that she had gone to see a solicitor to get a divorce, and that is how I found out.
Anyway. All in the past.
I would say that it took me 10 to 12 years to get over it, and I have had a hard time to connect deeply like I did with that girlfriend since... BUT, that is my problem. When met her I connected soo deeply that when she suddenly ended it without even telling me it was over, as to me it seemed like one minute we were going to get married and were making plans, and the next she broke all contact and her family who I worked with refused to talk (A very odd family to be honest) and it really hit me hard as I thought I had done something terribly wrong to her but I could not work out what I had done... And then came me being wreckless with myself and going into suicide mode where God saved me on more then one occasion which were absolute miracles).

I don't have any ideas, help, or advice. I'm chiming in for the simple fact that I totally relate. I have no issues getting someone to be involved with me. I have no idea why, but I tend to fall bassackwards into relationships. My problem is keeping those relationships. And when I do manage to keep them (sometimes they do stay), my partners end up miserable with me because I'm not attentive in ways they want/need. It's not healthy. I'm the same, it's not that I am trying to be a jerk, it's not even that I don't value them as people/care, it's that I'm awful about showing my appreciation/care of them in ways that resonates with them. I think for me, I'm just too selfish (I'm not sure that's the correct word) or in my own head. I end up hurting them. It sucks.

I've tried telling people about my issues too. I don't know if they don't believe me, or think I'm downplaying it, or if they simply forget. It doesn't seem to work well for me. I know that my ex partners have all had their own psych issues, so I know that did impact my relationships and further complicate things. They'd get caught up in their sh**, and not be thinking about mine and vice versa. That could be a huge problem, but in all honesty, I have no idea if someone with zero psych issues would even give me the time of day. they might go running. Hell, I might go running. I don't know how to relate to people with zero issues. They are like foreign creatures to me. That's probably not healthy either.

I'm divorced again, second time now. Though the papers haven't been filed, the ex moved out last fall. I'm not ready to try to actually date anyone yet. I think I'd like to try some day, and see if I can put myself out there, be consistently more invested, try to be something that ends up being good for someone else. Yeah. Sounds good to me. When I do, I'll likely approach the whole thing as temporary, practicing dating. Even if I end up getting my heart broken, it will be okay. That's temporary. And hey, if I do get messed up over it, it only means I was lucky enough to meet and share time with an awesome human being, right?. But easy for me to say now, since I'm not living the heart broken reality. I can be an emotionally distant, detached, and apathetic person with what seems like little or no emotions (damn alexithymia), but I have felt crushed by the end of relationships before. Hopefully I'll remember it is temporary if and when I ever live that again.

I don't believe in general or absolute answers, everyone is different. So without knowing you and your exes my observation is the following: people like compliments, questions regarding to their well-being, work, day, hobbies. This is especially true for girls, but as I see men need the same. Actively pay attention to them and converse (give feedback, ask back)

If you love her, say it.
If she looks good tonight, say it. If she doesn't look good in the morning - maybe don't say it
And don't forget to listen, they will complain a lot about something they miss or dislike. In a relationship the partner very often ignores the complaints, "it's just another melodrama, she/he exaggerates it" - but these tiny quarrels and vexations add up and one day for you out of a sudden they might leave you.