conversations with 3 people

Post Reply New Topic

I do fine in 1:1 situations with close friends, but in groups of 3 (even when both are close friends) I struggle to get a word in. Even when I have something to say, it seems like there's never a break in the conversation. I hate interrupting and by the time there's a gap for me to chime in, the conversation has moved on to a different topic. This means that in groups of 3 I end up just sitting there quietly for the most part. Any strategies people use to get into a conversation with appropriate timing?

Barge in.

^ What he said.

I have the same issue and I had to get used to doing the interrupting thing. It feels really rude, but I've noticed that people do that all the time which is why I started doing it.

Exactly, it's normal even if it's also rude. As long as you're not barging in by cutting people off it and remain on topic or adjacent you'll probably be fine.

I've always had similar difficulties with conversations involving 3 or more people, especially conversations not focused on a single specific topic.

My personal workaround, throughout my adult life, has been to find or create situations where I am able to win enough respect (usually via previous hard work on some matter of common interest to the relevant group) to be a natural center of attention.

I then try to use my resulting power in a benevolent way, to try to ensure that no one else in the conversation feels ignored or left out.

I highly recommend this strategy, for the good of not only the individuals who use it, but also the autistic community as a whole. The autistic community could sure use a lot more leaders!

However, in multi-person situations where I can't make myself a natural center of attention without being annoying or inappropriate, I'll usually just be quiet until and unless someone else decides to talk to me. This isn't very pleasant, but sometimes I just have to be patient. I'm inclined to see jumping into multi-person chit chat as not just a skill that I lack, but as something intrinsically difficult for me, given my greater-than-normal difficulties with multi-tasking and attention-shifting.

In the TV show Avatar (the one with the bald kid with the arrow on his head, not the Blue People thing) there is one part where Aang is asking his old (very old) friend Bumi to be his tutor in a special technique called "Earth Bending" Bumi explains to him about Jing - When you are Attacking that is positive Jing, when you are retreating that is negative Jing - then there is neutral Jing - where you do nothing: stand your ground, watch and listen, and wait. When I see my oldest son retreating from a social situation I advise him to use "Neutral Jing".

In conversations there is also the three modes - you can "Barge in" all the time, you can retreat - avoid these situations or leave the room or area, or you can use "Neutral Jing" and watch and listen. You don't have to use any of them all the time, you can choose to do some of each and even change the amounts from time to time.

If you use Neutral Jing in a conversation of three people you are still part of the conversation - you can smile or nod or just pay very careful attention to what people are saying and try to understand the People, but just the words. The more you know about people the easier it is to talk to them. You can also try to notice how much other people in the conversation are using Positive or Negative or Neutral Jing. All of these things can help you to decide for yourself how much you can use Positive or Negative or Neutral Jing.

In the house where my wife grew up people at the dinner table were supposed to take turns speaking. "Interrupting" was considered very rude. In the house where I grew up conversation was supposed to be faster, you didn't have to wait for someone to finish before you got a good idea what they were saying and decided to "add to the conversation" or "chime in" or "participate". Sometimes two or three conversations would go on all at the same time. I had to learn to honor my wife by using more "Neutral Jing" at the dinner table, and she had to learn to be more open minded about people "all talking at once" when she visited my family of origin. Different strokes for different folks.

Last edited by Fenn on 26 Apr 2021, 3:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Bumi Explains Three Jings:
http://youtube.com/BWQA_j_Gwxg

People who talk at the same time: Positive Jing
http://youtube.com/yygKInC7NWs