Living In Fear Of Being "Discovered".

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A lot people, really successful people have spoken of their fear of being found out that they are a fraud. Autism probably exacerbates the situation.

I don't really want people to know how I am when I'm not masking, either. Every time I get comfortable enough with someone to not do that as much they stop liking me. Socializing with everyone is very exhausting since I need to keep up on masking and watch my every move, and I wish I didn't have to do that.

I also have agoraphobia, but I think it's from not going places often at all. I'm not used to being in public, and I feel "exposed" and overwhelmed. The only time I don't feel that way is when I'm in nature or a more rural area.

I also don't really feel like I matured much past 13-14, maybe even 11-12. My perception of everything has stayed the same and I haven't felt "older" for years. Part of my masking is trying to act like an adult because I don't really naturally act like one. I've gotten yelled at enough for "not acting my age" and acting "childlike" during my adolescence, so I've learned how to make myself act more how people expect me to at my age.

I feel more mature now but when I was a teenager I could sometimes act babyish. I remember when I was 14 I asked my mum "where's teddy?" before bed. And when I was 16 I remember laying on the kitchen floor crying one time because I couldn't find my homework. I lost count how many times I was called a big baby by my parents when I was a teenager.

I used to have the fear of being “found” by others, but then I realized most people are self-obsessed with social media sites. Smart phones are the medium that allows invisibility to many. If you have no social media presence, you are basically invisible to them. They have their eyes too stuck in their smart phones to see the real world around them. Out of sight, out of mind...

I have used this information to my advantage. We are required to have several computer meetings a month for my department. I intentionally tape a coin over my camera and leave the thing on. It causes me to show up as a black fuzzy icon on their screens. When asked, I just say my internet connection is bad. Others in the department have forgotten I was there and said some pretty incriminating stuff for me to hear. They would not say such things if they knew I was around. So in a way, I have become the digital invisible man in my department.

Can I ask what it is you do when you're not masking that would give you away? Do you start clapping your hands all of a sudden or rocking?

As I have been masking from an early age, I found when I hit my last burnout which was in late summer of 2019 and I am starting to improve now (So it shows how hard it hit), I found myself glitching between masking and unmasking, though I also had other issues mixed in.
Now while I was very prone to being paralized with anxiety and strings of partial shutdowns, I would say that when I was not able to mask I was very childlike. It is hard to describe.
I did do a lot of hand stimming which was noticeable.