Societies expectations of how women should act

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Society expects women to be warm, chatty, generous, caring, agreeable, and supportive...
But I can't be that. I despise being expected to put in so much effort, for no reason other than I'm a woman. Even on good days I can't mask well enough to fit the standard.

Any hint of anger or discomfort I display gets treated 1000x worse than it actually is, and having to keep it all in results in 80% of my depression. Seeing men being allowed to display much larger anger or discomfort makes me bitter.
I have tried to limit socializing as much as I can but can't avoid family I live with.

How do you deal with people's expectations and reactions without going crazy?

(Men please do not comment I am only looking for women's experiences, thank you)

I don't know your cultural background but my own experience is: I've learned to be polite but I had to also learn to be impolite, even to my own relatives, when they cross my boundaries.
It was a process, supported a lot by my therapist, but the outcome was a win: after initial fights and manipulation attempts, my relatives learned to live with the fact that I don't fit their expectations. It turned out healthy to everyone involved.

I didn't even realise I should act a different way as a kid. I've had some women be really angry with me because I thought they should try to be kind and nice (having concern for other people). I just think the world would be a better place if that's what everyone aimed for but obviously we should all be allowed to express our more negative feelings when we need to. As for being warm and chatty (being sociable with other people), that's just down to the individual person. I suspect there would be less mental health issues if it was more accepted that women can be assertive and men can be caring.

The expectation that gets to me is that women be 'charming'.
Nope, can't do that.
Why can't we be allowed to scowl and grumble and be generally disagreeable?
At least it's honest.

Yup yup! I mean, everyone should be caring and such to some degree, it's no good to be completely selfish, but demanding someone to be more caring because she's a woman is just plain wrong, but that's how it still is in most societies. And then people say feminism is no longer needed.
That said, while women are expected to be more positive and to not show feelings like anger and hate, it's more socially acceptable for us to cry than it is for men. Both genders have their problems.

How do I deal with it? Well, depends on the situation. When it comes to friends, I refuse to act in any certain way that would be expected of me due to my gender. It has clearly cost me some chances when it comes to forming friendships, perhaps even relationships, but I'm the type to rather be alone than in bad company.
When it comes to people at work, I try to live up to the workplace's expectations. These days it's pretty easy, but when it wasn't I just forced myself to deal with, reminding myself that I don't have to deal with it outside of working hours. Of course, some people have the option of just quitting their jobs if they're expected to act as someone they're not, be it because of gender roles or something else, but many, including me, don't have such a luxury; gotta pay the bills somehow and it was hard enough to get this current job.
With family, it's more complicated... of course, I can't say for certain when I'm expected to be a certain way because I'm a woman and when the same things would be expected of me even if I was a man, but I'm sure there are some things. Anyway, my number one tactic to dealing with it is simply to avoid topics of conversation that I know could end badly with my family, but the thing is, I'm bad at avoiding them. They just tend to come up, but I've gotten a little better over time. Another option that I'm slightly better at is simply to try to keep the emotions from showing 'cause that'll lead to less trouble, but since your problem is precisely not being allowed to show emotions, I suppose that won't help you.

By the way, do you have any brothers? I assumed that you might have and your brother(s) being allowed to do things you're not because you're a woman might be your biggest problem. I mean, I don't have any brothers, but with how old fashioned families my parents come from, I'm sure that if I did, they would be treated better than us girls since that's how it traditionally went in many places, here included.

People who pressure you to be someone you're not -- they're not really your friend. I learned this the hard way. My ex used to say "you look so great in heels" (high-heeled shoes) and that seems like a compliment, except that I hate heels and my feet hurt when wearing them. My ex used to say, "Just keep wearing them - the pain will go away once you get used to them." Uh, that's false. When my son was diagnosed with hyptonia and had to wear orthotics, I realized that my feet are the same and I also need orthotics. I got orthotics and no more foot pain! Orthotic-friendly shoes are the opposite of heels, but it's what my feet need. Plus I like them. They're my style.

The only expectations I feel I have from society as a woman is dyeing my hair, wearing make-up and shaving body hair. I feel like the only woman in the world who has never dyed her hair (why aren't women satisfied with the hair colour that they've got???), and I'd feel really, really weird if I went out with unshaved legs or armpits in summer clothes.
Guys seem to have the choice. If a guy wants long hair like a woman, that's fine. If a guy shaves his legs, that's fine, and if a guy doesn't shave his legs, that's also fine. If a guy wants to go around looking like a bum (unkempt facial hair), that's fine too. If a woman doesn't wash her hair or shave her body hair, she will be severely judged.

My parents are nice people and never taught me I had to act a specific way. I've generally restricted my social interactions so that they don't get too overwhelming and I'm not on many online sites so I can't say that I've experienced this myself. But I have heard a lot about it.

I can relate so hard! Women are indeed expected to be saccharine, devoid of opinions and universally maternal to everyone we meet. I have - I s**t you not - been accused of being a sociopath before (! !)

These days I live a pretty hermetic life - I rarely leave the house, and I have a few good friends whom I see, that's it. I've pretty much given up on the idea of ever having a serious relationship because I just cannot be an ego prop to a man.

Luckily for me, I've spent most of my adult life in either (1) oddball subcultures where gendered behavior norms were explicitly rejected and/or (2) highly cosmopolitan / multi-cultural environments where there were no standardized behavioral norms beyond basic politeness and mutual respect.

I highly recommend that autistic people seek out such environments if possible.

While it may be difficult, the way I've learned to deal with it is to try to put your ego aside as much as possible, realize that people are just as sick as you are, and the only way to live in this world is to be compassionate because the reality is that whatever you experience is actually just a manifestation of yourself because we are all one consciousness.

Practically speaking, you can always be polite, thank them for their opinion, confirm that their view is not necessarily the same as yours, wish them the best and be on your way to do other things. It's a version of the "get more bees with honey" way of living.

Is it masking or is it becoming more aware of other people's feelings during personal encounters? It may be one, the other, or a bit of both. All I know is that holding love in the forefront of your mind and being compassionate when dealing with others is the least burdensome way to be.