Really confused. Never dated before. Help me?

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reallytired
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27 Apr 2021, 11:52 pm

I have a coworker who has been my special interest for almost 2 years now. At my workplace, others suspect he is an aspie, and I believe that to be true as well as possible ADHD.
However, I am female, and I am not diagnosed with aspergers in specific. I cannot wrap my head around aspergers that well, especially in males. I do notice the similarities, but the lack of expression confuses me.
Anyways, because of this, I cannot tell what signals he is sending towards me.
Before I formally asked to become friends, he would ignore me and only speak to me when spoken to. The majority of the time, he was polite. After I wrote him a letter asking to become friends, he started striking conversation with me, touching my hands or arm seemingly by accident, and staring at me at random times which I noticed he does not do with anyone else.
Texting is a different story. He only responds if you ask a clear question. I can send multiple texts and he will not respond. I do not mind this (although I would love to receive a response, it does not upset me), but I don't understand why he does not respond. I always thought that if you are interested in someone, you have the desire to talk to them constantly. I have asked him to go somewhere with me in person and he never gives a clear answer back. I don't get the point of this. This is the only time he does not give a clear answer. I do not mind if he doesn't share the same feelings back, he is allowed to have feelings. But I need a clear answer so I can give up. The only reason I have continued this retail job is because I want to be near him. I will not give up until I get a clear NO. I just can't. He is the first person I have been so attracted to.
What should I do in this situation? How do aspies behave towards women when they are attracted to them? He is extremely introverted and spends little to no time socializing. He stays inside the house all day on his days off.



Mona Pereth
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28 Apr 2021, 8:30 am

First off, Aspies aren't all alike. Aspies / autistic people at least as varied in personality as neurotypicals are.

As for why he doesn't respond to text messages except when you ask a direct question, one possibility is that he just doesn't have the energy to do so. Many of us have sleep difficulties of one kind or another.

Many of us also have difficulty shifting our attention from one task to another, so answering a lot of text messages at random times throughout the day might take more energy, and might be more of a distraction from other things he needs to do, than it would be for most people.

Some of us also have general difficulty with conversation. It's possible he might just not know what's an appropriate response to some of your text messages when you're not asking a direct question.

I'm not sure I understand the following sentence: "I have asked him to go somewhere with me in person and he never gives a clear answer back." Does "in person" mean you've asked him in person, or only that you've asked him (perhaps via text) to go some place where you and he would be together in-person? Also, what specific kinds of non-clear answers has he given you?

Have you ever been able to have a private in-person conversation with him, e.g. by just hanging around for a little while after work, without going out on a full-fledged date?

Also, how are COVID-related restrictions being factored into any proposed plans to go somewhere with him?


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30 Apr 2021, 1:15 am

My son, who has been in a relationship for two years now, has always said that he has no idea when women are interested in him, and I've observed that to be a fact. His first real girlfriend practically hit him over the head with her interest, and the second girlfriend he had built a solid friendship with before they both started gently tip toeing into trying to figure out if the other might be willing to date. Ultimately, they agreed they would stay friends no matter what, and then simply asked each other if they wanted to try dating.

He gives off no signs, and he reads no signs. He wants people to be specific with what they want, and he manages his relationships that way, as well: if it isn't stated in black and white, you cannot assume he knows it.

He does not answer all texts, nor does he expect all his texts to be answered. They are just lines of conversation dropped off to be read when there is a moment. If he is asked a question, however, he will always answer.

All his relationship issues have arisen from partners trying to read signals into his actions. The thing is, there is nothing to read there. He is who he is and it doesn't change for anyone. If a woman wants to know if he is interested, she needs to ask him. If he cares for someone he WILL do his best to adhere to the requests they make, so, for example, if his girlfriend told him she expected acknowledgement of every text and would like him to initiate with texts more, he would do so. But he might need reminders. He isn't suddenly going to get over his executive dysfunction and incorporate a new habit into his life after one conversation.

In other words, stop asking people on a board what his actions mean and directly ask him. When it comes to men with ASD, or ones like my son at least, it's the only way. You have to spell things out.


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30 Apr 2021, 6:23 am

Look. I do not know if I am on the spectrum or not but it is likely that I am due to the traits I found I have (I did not know they were traits until I joined this site and I joined initially to ask a question... I am still here!)

Now I am one who many times I have been told by my Mum that girls have gone out of their way to flirt with me and I did not even know. Other times I have assumed a girl sas flirting but find she was just being nice which then can lose ones confidence in ever wanting to ask a girl out.

Secondly I do not get hints. While a few hints I get, but in genefal, if I am not asked directly stating the intentions of the "Ask", I will likely be puzzled and say "No" or don't give a "Yes/no" reply because it can take me many months of puzzling the moment in my mind to try and work out why the person wanted me to go with them to a specific place. I may go by myself there to see what is there as not getting a hint will leave me puzzled!
While I do not say that I don't get hints, if I am asked where I was not expecting to be asked, I will likely not get the hint. But if I am hinted at in a situation where I would expect to be hinted at, I will likely get the hit if it is easy for me to pick up.

Another aspect is that after work one needs time relaxing to recharge. Though for me, I do have the ability to relax with another person if their character is a relaxing one to be with, but if a persons character is not a relaxing one (As they may keep changing their minds and want busy settings with lots going on etc rather then relaxing in the quiet places, I can quickly end up mentally exhausted).

Days off work would be better for dating. One can mentally prepare more and know what to expect.

Constant change drains me but relaxing in the familiar re-charges me... BUT, at the same time I like exploring scenic places, but city places where everything is on the move I can find draining. (Mind you, early morning in a city watching markets opening up before lots of people arrive and soaking up the atmosphere I can find exciting in a city, but I hate cities in the evenings. I am NOT one for the night life!

So if you ask him to a night club or a pub or somewhere busy, he may have a hard time deciding, because he may really want to be with you but the enviroment may be uncomfortable, draining or even painful for him.
But if you ask him if he wants to spend time with you by a river or on a quiet beach or some nice quiet scenic place, you may find that it is more appealing for him and he may say "Yes".

And finally, he may need time to think about you before he makes his decision. Example. I have said no to girls who asked me out because I had a pre-set view of what I thought was the type of lady I could date and the lady who wanted to date me was outside of this catagory, and it is not the same as me thinking "I don't like certain types of people". It is more that to date a person outside the thinking box that I had made for myself was a senario I had never considered, and being put on the spot requiring a yes or a no decision I could not answer and if pushed to answer I would say "No" rather then try to answer before I was ready to think about it. (And as I think slowly but deeply wanting to explore all avenues of the new concept, it can take me months or longer for me to make a decision and it would be easier for me to have a lady say to me "When is your next day off? Meet you at a certain easy to get to place and lets go for a walk" where I would then be able to talk to the person and explore my thoughts and learn to love that person and see her for who she really is, rather then me not able to think outside my own box to give a yes/no answer).


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02 May 2021, 5:25 pm

Sounds like he is shy. Be aware that he may not realize your emotions unless you are pretty much direct. Not even few people with Asperger's struggle with indirectness as well as realizing the feelings of others. :wink:


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Muse933277
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03 May 2021, 3:43 pm

I'm going to be straight up with you, sorry if this comes across as harsh.

Most likely he doesn't like you and that's why you keep getting mixed signals from him. The most common reason WHY he may not like you is simply because he doesn't find you physically attractive. Think about it, if he was texting some smokin hot blonde with a bangin body, do you think he would be frequently ghosting her and being a flake in terms of dates? Probably not. People in general are very visual based and when we're choosing potential romantic partners, most of us want someone who we are at least somewhat attracted to, that's just the reality.


Now i'll tell you the signs that point to him not being interested in case you can't figure it out.


1. When you ask him out, he keeps flaking on you or putting it off. Here's the thing, if it's NEVER a yes, then it's almost always a sign of disinterest. A guy who's romantically attracted to you isn't going to keep blowing you off.


2. You send him multiple texts and he ghosts you? Another sign of disinterest. If some smokin hot blonde with a bangin body was hitting him up, do you think he would ignore and ghost her? Probably not...



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03 May 2021, 3:59 pm

wikiHow "How to Date an Aspie"

If you've met one Aspie you've met one Aspie. But if he's like me he is kind of clueless and you are kind of scary the kind of "scary" that comes with the unknown. After 21+ years of marriage I am still clueless and still astounded. (Oh...I'm also very happy!) :heart:


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