What I Am

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We can be so many things.
And I, like so many other autistic people, have had to learn from others. I watched a lot of people, because that's what autistic people do. And because I wasn't obviously weird, I actually believed that I would be ok.
I have to remember that my peers aren't like me.
They're parents.
They're spouses.
They're dating.
They're working full-time, or they have multiple jobs.

I'm stigmatized every single day. It never stops.

I'm older now, and it only gets harder. Would you like to be the odd one out? All the time? It's not like being a racial minority. Racial minorities have power in this country. Representation. As do LGBTQ people. I think the only way for our society to get better is for there to be more goodness and transparency. "I can live with this," I tell myself. "I deserve a fulfilling life, where I get to be like everyone else." And I try to live up to that. But there are always roadblocks. No one knows everything. It's impossible to be a perfect human being. And until this world comes to terms with what autism is, and people can cast aside their insecurities, we can't help but see more suffering and sadness.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It seems to me that in most places socialization and human relationships are deemed too important. I don't believe in it. Every person's life has value even if that person is a hermit who lives alone all his life and "contributes" nothing to society.

That people like us face so much difficulties purely because of nt s, that people shun others who are different than them is proof that human relationships aren't a sacred ideal.

Every human being is flawed even if they do fit in their social bubble, work and get married and such. They just hide their flaws better.

Today has been a day where I'm really feeling that.
This year has been a year where I'm really feeling that.
Guess that allows me to honestly say that I get where you are coming from.
Definitely not exactly where, since I am not you, but yes, I do get the concept.
And it is hard.
It leads to feeling very isolated.
And declining physical health leads to even further isolation.


I remember a few decades ago reading a sci-fi/fantasy novel titled "Planet of Tears".
At this point on the calendar memories of the story are gone, only the title is left.
And yep, that's what this place is.

Both of you are very insightful and honest.
I just called a counselor to set up an appointment; I need a formal diagnosis!
I NEED to know ‘officially’ why I am different and always have been!
I haven’t pursued it, because frankly I am afraid it’s something scarier!
I do not WANT to be a schizophrenic!
I couldn’t continue counseling years ago... too painful....
If I do force myself to open up to someone, I do not know how I will endure the misery of reliving old pains and honestly looking at my life now.
I cannot express how scared I am!