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Do you get asked out?
1) Yes 18%  18%  [ 3 ]
2) No 53%  53%  [ 9 ]
3) I ask people out myself. 18%  18%  [ 3 ]
4) I don't believe in dating. 12%  12%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 17

DesertWoman
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30 Apr 2021, 7:52 pm

I don't know if I'm ever going to find real connection. There have been times when I thought I was going in the right direction with someone, only to find myself winding up alone. I think a solid relationship with someone has to encompass many things. Mutual interests matter. So does physical attraction. Common goals. Trust.

I know I "missed the boat" in my younger years- I dated people but I think being autistic made me less desirable to men who wanted someone who either wasn't living with their parents or who was free from childhood trauma. And it feels like I'm still carrying those burdens, decades later.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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30 Apr 2021, 8:02 pm

DesertWoman wrote:
I think a solid relationship with someone has to encompass many things. Mutual interests matter. So does physical attraction. Common goals. Trust.

That is a good point.

The human need for connection, for trust, for affection, is a powerful thing.
Connection, trust, and affection, are themselves powerful things.

And there are a lot of people suffering what amounts to a famine of those.
How we fix that, heal that, grow those, in this world, is a big question.


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rdos
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01 May 2021, 2:59 pm

I don't think you can find a real connection with dating. Dating is just a social game, and strong connections need a lot more time to form than dating can offer.



nick007
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02 May 2021, 3:14 am

I never done the dating thing ever. I tried asking women out but they were not interested :( I had a woman come on to me 2wice in my life offline & both times I was already in a relationship. The 1st was shortly before me & my 1st girlfriend broke up(well I'm not entirely sure if that offline woman really was coming on to me or not then, don't ask) & the other time a woman came on to me offline was two weeks before my 2nd girlfriend broke up with me :( In the poll I voted for "I ask people out myself". The 3 girlfriends I had I met on online forums, the latter two were WP. I did not have a lot of criteria when searching for a relationship. There were lots of things I woulda wanted & not wanted but I had very few actual dealbreakers. I was mostly wanting someone who would be willing to give me a real chance & who seemed like she might be willing to put forth some effort into trying to make a relationship work with me. I believe there is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect relationship. Every person & relationship will have issues & problems. Most women wrote me off as having too many problems. Even women I knew offline who were nice towards me were not interested in a romantic relationship with me. They saw me more as a friend & a couple even thought I was gay :wall: It seemed very hypocritical, unreasonable, & unattainable for me to expect a woman would give me a real shot at a relationship if I was not willing to do the same for her. You said that a solid relationship has to encompass many things & while I do not know what your requirements are, I will suggest that it may help to try & make sure your main requirements are reasonable. I seen a lot of posts on this forum over my many years here from a minority of Aspie guys who regularly complain about being single & those guys have a list of requirements in a woman that is longer than the list of items the TSA will not allow on an airplane :roll: I'm NOT sure if you are doing that or not but it is a trap that is easy for some Aspies to fall into.


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Sweetleaf
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02 May 2021, 4:57 am

Well I feel like I cannot really answer the survey as I am in a long term relationship so well not dating or looking to date anymore. But well it took me a while to find a real connection but I did so its not impossible. I got with my boyfriend when I was living with my parents and even now I still have some issues related back to childhood stuff and even since becoming an adult I have some crappy experiences that have effected me. And he was staying on a floor at some 'friends' apartment. They didn't really end up being friends that is why I put the quotations.

But yeah I still have issues and things and yes sometimes those even cause some conflicts in the relationship, but well whenever we do end up arguing we still care about each other and so like we both always want to move forward remaining together even if we have a conflict. I guess my point is its not impossible to find that kind of connection even if you do have autism.


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cbd
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02 May 2021, 5:41 am

interesting Topic . When You ' Click ' everything else is irrelevant because that Person accepts You Completely ..

Finding People Who Resonate on Same Level is the Key Factor .



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02 May 2021, 5:56 am

cbd wrote:
interesting Topic . When You ' Click ' everything else is irrelevant because that Person accepts You Completely ..

Finding People Who Resonate on Same Level is the Key Factor .


As it should be...but even if that person accepts you completely, if you haven't accepted yourself completely as well that can cause some unexpected conflicts. At least that is kinda where I am at, my boyfriend does accept me completely but I don't always accept myself completely and I have some bad experiences in the past of trusting people and having them betray that so even after 5 years being with him I guess in the back of my mind there is always the feeling of what if this just ends up like all the ones before. But not very likely realistic, we just moved to a new town and the only way we can afford it is sticking together and we both want to do that so realistically not much to worry about. But for sure we must be on some kinda same level or we would have given up on this relationship a while ago. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.


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quite an extreme
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02 May 2021, 7:28 am

Should I? 8O

If it comes to autistic women - not even few otherwise stunning ones are lacking the common signals of sexual interest that are pretty normal for NT women who are usually actively trying to seduce their targets of interest. May be that you should consider that as an option?


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rdos
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02 May 2021, 10:37 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Don't worry, i'm sure you'll find someone new pretty quickly. You're a female, just make a Tinder account and you're good to go.

Dating as a woman is pretty much playing the game of dating on recruit level difficulty. Don't believe me? Make a tinder account as a man (some normal looking guy and not a super model) and you'll struggle to even get matches let alone a date.


I don't think it is easier for autistic women. Having lots of superficial interest in you doesn't mean you will succeed in finding a suitable mate.



nick007
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02 May 2021, 12:22 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
cbd wrote:
interesting Topic . When You ' Click ' everything else is irrelevant because that Person accepts You Completely ..

Finding People Who Resonate on Same Level is the Key Factor .


As it should be...but even if that person accepts you completely, if you haven't accepted yourself completely as well that can cause some unexpected conflicts. At least that is kinda where I am at, my boyfriend does accept me completely but I don't always accept myself completely and I have some bad experiences in the past of trusting people and having them betray that so even after 5 years being with him I guess in the back of my mind there is always the feeling of what if this just ends up like all the ones before. But not very likely realistic, we just moved to a new town and the only way we can afford it is sticking together and we both want to do that so realistically not much to worry about. But for sure we must be on some kinda same level or we would have given up on this relationship a while ago. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.
The person I clicked the best with was my 1st girlfriend but we both had issues we were dealing with that made our relationship get very unstable. We were best friends before we got in a relationship because we connected so well but our issues made us a train wreck after a while. She had problems with drugs & alcohol & I had BAD OCD & BAD anxiety worrying about her that caused me to be very controlling & helped me slide into a psychotic depression :twisted:


Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I feel like I cannot really answer the survey as I am in a long term relationship so well not dating or looking to date anymore. But well it took me a while to find a real connection but I did so its not impossible. I got with my boyfriend when I was living with my parents and even now I still have some issues related back to childhood stuff and even since becoming an adult I have some crappy experiences that have effected me. And he was staying on a floor at some 'friends' apartment. They didn't really end up being friends that is why I put the quotations.

But yeah I still have issues and things and yes sometimes those even cause some conflicts in the relationship, but well whenever we do end up arguing we still care about each other and so like we both always want to move forward remaining together even if we have a conflict. I guess my point is its not impossible to find that kind of connection even if you do have autism.
Me & my current girlfriend both have major things we're dealing with & we do argue a lot sometimes but like you guys we both majorly care about each other & both want to move forward remaining together. There are lots of times when we think the other would be better off without us cuz of our issues but the other still wants to be with us so we stick things out. It also helps that neither of us can handle living alone & we would both have to go back to living with our families in crummy environments & we would both have a very hard time finding other romantic partners. From a logical perspective I know that living with her is better for her even if thou she takes things out on me that really have nothing to do with me. She'll quit being mad with me after a bit & then feel like [email protected] about it. Most anyone else getting mad at me would make me blame myself cuz I'd think I'd probably majorly screwed up somehow but with Cass I usually don't really blame myself anymore cuz logically I know she is having one of her mood swings & being bogged down by having codependent relationships with a couple of her family members & her physical issues that the docs don't take seriously. There is defiantly a lot of understanding between us but I would not say we have a super strong connection though. When I think of connection I think of that chemistry stuff where people talk the whole time they're together & share all of each others interests. With me & Cass it's more like we hang out together doing our own stuff a lot. She talks a lot at times but other times she's distracted easily or is in a mood where she doesn't want to talk. Whereas I'm usually quiet & am much more of a listener than a talker. She can predict what I will say & do alot better than I can with her. Her moods & focus change alot & she likes being weird & random sometimes. It's a bit of a guessing game sometimes trying to figure out what she wants & needs. I guess wrong a bit but almost noone else would have a better accuracy with her.


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cbd
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02 May 2021, 1:51 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
cbd wrote:
interesting Topic . When You ' Click ' everything else is irrelevant because that Person accepts You Completely ..

Finding People Who Resonate on Same Level is the Key Factor .


As it should be...but even if that person accepts you completely, if you haven't accepted yourself completely as well that can cause some unexpected conflicts. At least that is kinda where I am at, my boyfriend does accept me completely but I don't always accept myself completely and I have some bad experiences in the past of trusting people and having them betray that so even after 5 years being with him I guess in the back of my mind there is always the feeling of what if this just ends up like all the ones before. But not very likely realistic, we just moved to a new town and the only way we can afford it is sticking together and we both want to do that so realistically not much to worry about. But for sure we must be on some kinda same level or we would have given up on this relationship a while ago. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.


Most Definately . Self Acceptance . Without that .. 1 the Other Person can Move Mountains & it won't make a Difference . Glad Things are Going Well 8)



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02 May 2021, 5:28 pm

Do I get asked out? Yes.

Do I ask others out? Also yes.

So, I'm not sure how I'd answer the poll. I don't think I can offer any help on this though, just noting that the two aren't necessarily exclusive.


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magz
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07 May 2021, 4:30 am

DesertWoman wrote:
I don't know if I'm ever going to find real connection. There have been times when I thought I was going in the right direction with someone, only to find myself winding up alone. I think a solid relationship with someone has to encompass many things. Mutual interests matter. So does physical attraction. Common goals. Trust.

I know I "missed the boat" in my younger years- I dated people but I think being autistic made me less desirable to men who wanted someone who either wasn't living with their parents or who was free from childhood trauma. And it feels like I'm still carrying those burdens, decades later.
Do your interests include something that may make you meet people? I find it the best way to meet both friends and potential romantic partners.


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