funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,496
Location: Right over your left shoulder
02 May 2021, 5:31 pm
DW_a_mom wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I picked "no" because I don't want to marry someone and then find out that we're sexually incompatible. Doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It's really not unfair for one to feel their efforts would be better invested else where. One is always entitled to make that decision for themselves. Why should someone feel obliged to keep investing in what they've already determined isn't a worthwhile investment?
Because odds are very good they are wrong. I'm not saying anyone is obligated, but I am saying you hurt yourself and your own prospects by making such a decision with limited data.
I'll be blunt: I was in a situation like that. Everything about when and how the first encounter happened was wrong, wrong, wrong. He moves away but years later comes through town, gets in touch, and we have lunch. He asks me about my life and I end up talking about my latest relationship which was, well, quite intense. He was shocked, confused, and sad. He had never considered how the circumstances might have affected our long ago encounter. I could see the regret on his face, but it was too late, we had taken very different paths by then.
It was really stupid that neither of us was smart enough to talk about it at the time. That we weren't comfortable enough to do so was probably indicative of why we might never have worked, anyway, but transfer all that into a more promising relationship and, well, it can be a large loss.
People need to know that intimacy evolves. Allow for that. It also isn't a constant; it has moods and variations.
Maybe that's what was best for you and your specific situation, but how do you know what was right for you is right for some stranger and their specific situation?
02 May 2021, 5:41 pm
02 May 2021, 5:46 pm
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,469
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
02 May 2021, 6:04 pm
02 May 2021, 6:14 pm
funeralxempire wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I picked "no" because I don't want to marry someone and then find out that we're sexually incompatible. Doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It's really not unfair for one to feel their efforts would be better invested else where. One is always entitled to make that decision for themselves. Why should someone feel obliged to keep investing in what they've already determined isn't a worthwhile investment?
Because odds are very good they are wrong. I'm not saying anyone is obligated, but I am saying you hurt yourself and your own prospects by making such a decision with limited data.
I'll be blunt: I was in a situation like that. Everything about when and how the first encounter happened was wrong, wrong, wrong. He moves away but years later comes through town, gets in touch, and we have lunch. He asks me about my life and I end up talking about my latest relationship which was, well, quite intense. He was shocked, confused, and sad. He had never considered how the circumstances might have affected our long ago encounter. I could see the regret on his face, but it was too late, we had taken very different paths by then.
It was really stupid that neither of us was smart enough to talk about it at the time. That we weren't comfortable enough to do so was probably indicative of why we might never have worked, anyway, but transfer all that into a more promising relationship and, well, it can be a large loss.
People need to know that intimacy evolves. Allow for that. It also isn't a constant; it has moods and variations.
Maybe that's what was best for you and your specific situation, but how do you know what was right for you is right for some stranger and their specific situation?
I don't, but I provide information I believe may be relevant and too often ignored.
When you have an intimate encounter with someone, you are asking them to be vulnerable and give a lot of themselves that is private and personal. To get to that point and then walk away based on some flawed preconceived notion is rude and inconsiderate. Sure, there are plenty of people who run through life being rude and inconsiderate without ever giving it a second thought, but anything I can do to convince the members here not to be like that, I will.
I sincerely do not believe that anyone can accurately make a negative decision on sexual compatibility based on one encounter. I have a lot more than my story to back the conclusion up. Do with that information what you will.
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,496
Location: Right over your left shoulder
02 May 2021, 6:21 pm
02 May 2021, 6:22 pm
02 May 2021, 6:23 pm
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,469
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
02 May 2021, 6:43 pm
02 May 2021, 7:03 pm
02 May 2021, 7:29 pm
02 May 2021, 11:02 pm
03 May 2021, 12:04 am
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,496
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 May 2021, 12:11 am
DW_a_mom wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I sincerely do not believe that anyone can accurately make a negative decision on sexual compatibility based on one encounter. I have a lot more than my story to back the conclusion up. Do with that information what you will.
Well of course you can't accurately make that call based on one sexual encounter. Part of the sexual compatibility is being able to deal with it when the sex goes wrong without that ruining the relationship.
I think people were more suggesting being in a serious relationship where you are having sex before taking the step of marriage not meeting someone and then just having sex one time to determine if it should be lasting or not. Probably, good to know before marriage if the person is mature enough to not walk out suddenly if the sex isn't great every time.
This is exactly what I was suggesting and I don't get the confusion with this at all. lol
Glad to hear it, but I do know plenty of people who have walked away if the sex wasn't mind blowing the first time. It happens. I cannot know what any one person means when they talk about checking compatibility first unless they specify. I try to never assume.
I wasn't suggesting to walk away if things weren't perfect, but you did seem to assume.
That's why you should attempt many times before committing.
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,125
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
03 May 2021, 12:30 am
03 May 2021, 12:36 am
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