Would You Date Someone Who Wanted To Wait Till Marriage?
funeralxempire
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Nope.
I'd consider the expectation a strong indicator of incompatibility.
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"If you stick a knife in my back 9 inches and pull it out 6 inches, there's no progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress is healing the wound that the blow made... and they won't even admit the knife is there." Malcolm X
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
OutsideView
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I'd consider the expectation a strong indicator of incompatibility.
My waiting was a long time ago, and it wasn't my choice at the time. I obviously learned the hard way that we weren't compatible after marriage.
I'm not suggesting that everyone should wait, or that it's better to wait. I'm just saying it's not unheard of.
I'm not planning to marry my current beau and we 'waited' a very long time but that was because of Covid and my trauma, and not because I had visions of walking down the aisle with him.
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,184
Location: Right over your left shoulder
I'd consider the expectation a strong indicator of incompatibility.
My waiting was a long time ago, and it wasn't my choice at the time. I obviously learned the hard way that we weren't compatible after marriage.
I'm not suggesting that everyone should wait, or that it's better to wait. I'm just saying it's not unheard of.
I'm not planning to marry my current beau and we 'waited' a very long time but that was because of Covid and my trauma, and not because I had visions of walking down the aisle with him.
No judgment towards anyone who'd do things different. If someone is actually compatible but more easily pushed around by norms than I might be missing a great opportunity, but regardless I'd still pass. I don't really intend on getting married in any situation.
HeroOfHyrule explains the logic pretty well. I don't want to take that gamble when there's other people out there who might be more suitable.
_________________
"If you stick a knife in my back 9 inches and pull it out 6 inches, there's no progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress is healing the wound that the blow made... and they won't even admit the knife is there." Malcolm X
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
I'd consider the expectation a strong indicator of incompatibility.
My waiting was a long time ago, and it wasn't my choice at the time. I obviously learned the hard way that we weren't compatible after marriage.
I'm not suggesting that everyone should wait, or that it's better to wait. I'm just saying it's not unheard of.
I'm not planning to marry my current beau and we 'waited' a very long time but that was because of Covid and my trauma, and not because I had visions of walking down the aisle with him.
No judgment towards anyone who'd do things different. If someone is actually compatible but more easily pushed around by norms than I might be missing a great opportunity, but regardless I'd still pass. I don't really intend on getting married in any situation.
HeroOfHyrule explains the logic pretty well. I don't want to take that gamble when there's other people out there who might be more suitable.
Agreed.
I guess the other question should be "Do you even want to get married?"
For many of us, the answer is a firm no.
That doesn't mean we should all be celibate just because we don't believe in marriage.
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
Sorry, I don't want this to come across as if I'm picking on you; you're statement simply provides a reference point.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It would have been horribly unfortunate if I had discarded my husband based on our first experience. Thankfully I was wiser than that.
A lot of good information can be garnered from simple conversation. What is someone open to? What holds them back today that might not hold them back tomorrow? And so forth. Couples need to be able to talk about these things to have a solid and healthy intimate life, so why not do it first?
Waiting or not waiting can indicate far deeper differences in values, of course, which can be much more significant to a couples future. It is definitely something people need to be able to talk about.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
Last edited by DW_a_mom on 02 May 2021, 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,184
Location: Right over your left shoulder
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It's really not unfair for one to feel their efforts would be better invested else where. One is always entitled to make that decision for themselves. Why should someone feel obliged to keep investing in what they've already determined isn't a worthwhile investment?
_________________
"If you stick a knife in my back 9 inches and pull it out 6 inches, there's no progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress is healing the wound that the blow made... and they won't even admit the knife is there." Malcolm X
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
Sorry, I don't want this to come across as if I'm picking on you; you're statement simply provides a reference point.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It would have been horribly unfortunate if I had discarded my husband based on our first experience. Thankfully I was wiser than that.
A lot of good information can be garnered from simple conversation. What is someone open to? What holds them back today that might not hold them back tomorrow? And so forth. Couples need to be able to talk about these things to have a solid and healthy intimate life, so why not do it first?
Not wanting to wait until marriage doesn't mean I'd have sex with someone once and then throw the relationship away if it doesn't work out that one time, nor that I don't care about having an intimate connection with someone in other ways. I don't really get where you got that assumption from, and I don't think it's unfair to want to be able to get used to sexual intimacy with someone and know their sexual needs + if they match yours before marriage.
I would find the fact that they have sexual relations lower down on their list of priorities a good thing.
_________________
Autistic member of the neurodivergent community
NHS diagnostician working in Autism assessment services
Director at the Autistic Community of Cornwall
Non-binary member of the LGBTQ+ community
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It's really not unfair for one to feel their efforts would be better invested else where. One is always entitled to make that decision for themselves. Why should someone feel obliged to keep investing in what they've already determined isn't a worthwhile investment?
This is pretty much my point. I'd like to fully get to know someone before marriage since it's supposed to be a lifelong investment, and not just for my benefit, but also my partners. Plus, as an autistic person with intimacy problems and some past trauma I'd like that to involve getting used to sex w/ my partner, and seeing if we can both fulfill each other's needs and if we are actually comfortable with each other sexually. It's not really unfair for me to want that.
I also don't know if I'd ever actually consider marrying someone, so if wanted to wait until then I'd probably never have sex.
I remember dating men who thought that way. I wasn't a "have to wait until marriage," but I still get frustrated and angry with the attitude of "testing." One simple reason: intimate relationships can and do develop, grow and change; so discarding someone because of one bad test run is foolish, unfair, and hurtful.
It's really not unfair for one to feel their efforts would be better invested else where. One is always entitled to make that decision for themselves. Why should someone feel obliged to keep investing in what they've already determined isn't a worthwhile investment?
Because odds are very good they are wrong. I'm not saying anyone is obligated, but I am saying you hurt yourself and your own prospects by making such a decision with limited data.
I'll be blunt: I was in a situation like that. Everything about when and how the first encounter happened was wrong, wrong, wrong. He moves away but years later comes through town, gets in touch, and we have lunch. He asks me about my life and I end up talking about my latest relationship which was, well, quite intense. He was shocked, confused, and sad. He had never considered how the circumstances might have affected our long ago encounter. I could see the regret on his face, but it was too late, we had taken very different paths by then.
It was really stupid that neither of us was smart enough to talk about it at the time. That we weren't comfortable enough to do so was probably indicative of why we might never have worked, anyway, but transfer all that into a more promising relationship and, well, it can be a large loss.
People need to know that intimacy evolves. Allow for that. It also isn't a constant; it has moods and variations.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
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