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HeroOfHyrule
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03 May 2021, 2:23 am

Does anyone have attachment issues? How do they affect you, and how do you deal with them?

I've noticed that I have a hard time staying "attached" to people. I don't eventually dislike them or anything, but my level of attachment greatly fluctuates and sometimes I don't "feel" anything towards other people.

I often feel fine towards them again after awhile, though it's very stressful when I'm in a relationship with someone and that happens. I honestly have considered staying single because I wouldn't have to constantly worry if I'm still "in love" with someone.

I think in my case my issues are mainly from trauma and the resulting depression from it, but my autism seems to also affect how I react to it. I already have issues socializing and being close to other people, so I find this very upsetting and it often makes me feel ashamed, like I am incapable of having a consistent/stable relationship with anyone.


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Edna3362
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03 May 2021, 7:03 am

I have no attachments issues.


It might be why I scored high enough on relationship management in an emotional intelligence test.

With everything else (other than specific subscores) to mostly scoring below average to poor, once upon a time.


I'm just asocial. And moody. :lol:
Even if I'm very capable to pursuing relationships, it's not what I want or need...
That's usually the 'problem'. :lol:

I can't relate with the wanting and needing for relationship. I just let it come to me, let them keep it and I'd honor it.


My own personal social problems lies with not being in a mood or in a less ideal state to deal with people.
Maybe anything involving with words, too but that's also an issue outside socialization.

Everything else is either afforded or not important.


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HeroOfHyrule
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04 May 2021, 12:30 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
I have no attachments issues.


It might be why I scored high enough on relationship management in an emotional intelligence test.

With everything else (other than specific subscores) to mostly scoring below average to poor, once upon a time.


I'm just asocial. And moody. :lol:
Even if I'm very capable to pursuing relationships, it's not what I want or need...
That's usually the 'problem'. :lol:

I can't relate with the wanting and needing for relationship. I just let it come to me, let them keep it and I'd honor it.


My own personal social problems lies with not being in a mood or in a less ideal state to deal with people.
Maybe anything involving with words, too but that's also an issue outside socialization.

Everything else is either afforded or not important.

I have some issues with being in the "mood" to socialize. I have a relatively low threshold for social interaction, so after a short amount of it I am out of commission for a day or two. lol

I don't think my "attachment issues" are dependent on that or anything though. Even when I'm in the "mood" to socialize I can have this issue, and it makes it hard to feel comfortable engaging with anyone.


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violetdr3amer
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04 May 2021, 1:02 pm

It sounds like you may have avoidant attachment style. There's a great book that I read called 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which describes different attachment styles and how to manage them. Basically avoidants need someone who's very independent and will give them plenty of space.

I have the opposite problem - I have anxious attachment style, so I get too attached and am terrified of abandonment, and I'm hypersensitive to any small changes or perceived rejection. For some reason, I attract/am attracted to avoidant men, which is why my relationships have never lasted.



HeroOfHyrule
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04 May 2021, 1:23 pm

violetdr3amer wrote:
It sounds like you may have avoidant attachment style. There's a great book that I read called 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which describes different attachment styles and how to manage them. Basically avoidants need someone who's very independent and will give them plenty of space.

I have the opposite problem - I have anxious attachment style, so I get too attached and am terrified of abandonment, and I'm hypersensitive to any small changes or perceived rejection. For some reason, I attract/am attracted to avoidant men, which is why my relationships have never lasted.

I think I've looked at attachment styles before with my friend, and a fearful-avoidant attachment describes some of my issues. I find it very hard to get close to other people, even though I want to, and when I do get close to people I think it makes me want to withdraw from them. I'm always worried about messing up relationships and being rejected. :|


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Joe90
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04 May 2021, 1:29 pm

I'm the opposite - I get too attached to people. I get upset if someone at work leaves, unless I didn't like them.


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violetdr3amer
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04 May 2021, 1:48 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I think I've looked at attachment styles before with my friend, and a fearful-avoidant attachment describes some of my issues. I find it very hard to get close to other people, even though I want to, and when I do get close to people I think it makes me want to withdraw from them. I'm always worried about messing up relationships and being rejected. :|


Do you think that you not feeling anything/being withdrawn is a sort of defence mechanism for your fear of rejection or messing up?

Everyone's needs/attachment style is valid. I think that if you find someone that you like, you should just communicate how you feel early on, and when you find yourself feeling nothing, there is nothing wrong with asking for some space - the right person will understand and give you the space you need :)



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04 May 2021, 2:35 pm

I'm pretty sure I have some attachment issues going on with me. I tend to score as a dismissive avoidant type. Sounds about right to me. I think it's worth mentioning that alongside autism, I score high on alexithymia traits and I did grow up in an abusive/dysfunctional household.

So yeah, that stuff absolutely impacts my interactions with others. I don't know if I'm really capable of loving another human being. I think sometimes I would like to be able to, but if I'm being completely honest here, love is the worst four letter word I can think of. If I am capable of feeling love, I don't know if I could get past the feeling of discomfort that would come from being vulnerable like that with another person to even see if I could love them. I tend to be most at ease when people are healthy distance from me emotionally. Try to get too close and I back right on up and start to push people away.

How do this effect me? Uh. I'm twice divorced and dropped all of the friends I used to have one by one until one day I noticed I had no friends left and I was okay with that for a few years. I have three people I talk to now on an a regular basis. Some more than others. The one I see the most I am probably the least open with about myself. Messed up part about it is I have known that guy since high school and he really doesn't know much about me or my life at all. So that bleeds into how I deal with it, I guess. The answer would be poorly. Historically I have pissed off friends and partners when they want to get closer to me and all I want to do is hole up in my head and avoid the mess of it all. I try sometimes, I really do. But damn it's hard to consistently be there for another person like that. I can be there and be attentive for awhile, but it never lasts. It makes me think I'm a jerk, but I have no idea how to stop it.



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04 May 2021, 2:44 pm

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
... I've noticed that I have a hard time staying "attached" to people. I don't eventually dislike them or anything, but my level of attachment greatly fluctuates and sometimes I don't "feel" anything towards other people.

I often feel fine towards them again after awhile, though it's very stressful when I'm in a relationship with someone and that happens...
This all seems very familiar to me.

I think that (for me, anyway) it has a lot to do with how others react to my own moods.  When I express excitement about something, others respond with bland indifference, and I feel embarrassed and unwanted.  When express anger or fear about something else, others respond with ridicule, and I feel embarrassed and unwanted all over again.

I do not keep company with people who embarrass me or who do not want me around, so I lose another set of friends.

While this still bothers me, I have learned to deal with it -- smiling on the outside while crying on the inside.


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funeralxempire
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04 May 2021, 2:46 pm

I struggle to form attachments.


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cbd
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04 May 2021, 4:00 pm

violetdr3amer wrote:
It sounds like you may have avoidant attachment style. There's a great book that I read called 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which describes different attachment styles and how to manage them. Basically avoidants need someone who's very independent and will give them plenty of space.

I have the opposite problem - I have anxious attachment style, so I get too attached and am terrified of abandonment, and I'm hypersensitive to any small changes or perceived rejection. For some reason, I attract/am attracted to avoidant men, which is why my relationships have never lasted.



i'm pretty neutral to attachment .

.. but like you i seem to fall for people that are pretty cold towards me . which is pretty s**t . lol



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04 May 2021, 7:32 pm

cbd wrote:
i'm pretty neutral to attachment .

.. but like you i seem to fall for people that are pretty cold towards me . which is pretty s**t . lol


I would really recommend that 'Attached' book, it explains a lot!

Apparently, anxiously attached people like myself get attracted to avoidants because they activate our attachment system, which our brain confuses for passion.

Mind you, avoidant attachment folks also fall for people who are cold towards them. I have a good friend who has extreme avoidant attachment style, I've known him for many years, and the one time I experienced him being madly in love was with a selfish, not very nice girl who didn't give a hoot about him and was just using him. I think it's because he subconsciously knew that it would never work out.



HeroOfHyrule
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04 May 2021, 7:39 pm

violetdr3amer wrote:
Do you think that you not feeling anything/being withdrawn is a sort of defence mechanism for your fear of rejection or messing up?

Everyone's needs/attachment style is valid. I think that if you find someone that you like, you should just communicate how you feel early on, and when you find yourself feeling nothing, there is nothing wrong with asking for some space - the right person will understand and give you the space you need :)

It might be. I'm probably anticipating rejection, and then trying to prevent myself from getting too attached to people, so I don't get hurt if things don't go well. :scratch:

Also, thank you for the advice, it's helpful and I appreciate it. :D


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05 May 2021, 1:07 am

HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I've noticed that I have a hard time staying "attached" to people. I don't eventually dislike them or anything, but my level of attachment greatly fluctuates and sometimes I don't "feel" anything towards other people.

I often feel fine towards them again after awhile, though it's very stressful when I'm in a relationship with someone and that happens. I honestly have considered staying single because I wouldn't have to constantly worry if I'm still "in love" with someone.

I think in my case my issues are mainly from trauma and the resulting depression from it, but my autism seems to also affect how I react to it. I already have issues socializing and being close to other people, so I find this very upsetting and it often makes me feel ashamed, like I am incapable of having a consistent/stable relationship with anyone.

I think the problem here is the idea that "a consistent/stable relationship" requires being "in love" all the time in the first place. It doesn't.

IMO a person should never expect to be "in love" all the time. Feelings inevitably fluctuate. A consistent/stable relationship needs to be based on more than just one's moment-to-moment feelings toward the other person.

A consistent/stable relationship is based on a decision to make a commitment to the other person. That decision is based, ideally, on knowledge about each other; the knowledge (hopefully well-founded) that you are compatible enough to justify making such a commitment.

It takes time to develop such knowledge. It can't and shouldn't be based on just a rush of emotion.


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05 May 2021, 1:19 am

I have CPTSD which means that I have difficulty with trust and interpersonal relationships. Being selective mute and autistic with alexithymia doesn't help, because I'm not a strong communicator and I have a hard time understanding my feelings of affection let alone expressing them. Being separated from my boyfriend because of lockdown law has been very challenging since I'm not good on the telephone and I avoid some of the more emotional conversations when I don't know how to express myself.

It seems there are limits to how much I can "feel" in any relationship because of my alexithymia. I max out quite often whereas the other person continues having new feelings or wanting the feelings to grow. It's not that I don't care about people but my emotional-capacity can only reach a certain level before I get physically exhausted, shut down, and run out of feelings to feel. Then the other person thinks I've pulled away so they pull away. It's a vicious circle. Most of my relationships end up imploding catastrophically because I stop generating / expressing new emotions and I don't have the vocabulary to discuss it because of mutism.

So in a nutshell yeah, I have attachment issues. I think I have "everything issues".



HeroOfHyrule
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05 May 2021, 1:20 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
HeroOfHyrule wrote:
I've noticed that I have a hard time staying "attached" to people. I don't eventually dislike them or anything, but my level of attachment greatly fluctuates and sometimes I don't "feel" anything towards other people.

I often feel fine towards them again after awhile, though it's very stressful when I'm in a relationship with someone and that happens. I honestly have considered staying single because I wouldn't have to constantly worry if I'm still "in love" with someone.

I think in my case my issues are mainly from trauma and the resulting depression from it, but my autism seems to also affect how I react to it. I already have issues socializing and being close to other people, so I find this very upsetting and it often makes me feel ashamed, like I am incapable of having a consistent/stable relationship with anyone.

I think the problem here is the idea that "a consistent/stable relationship" requires being "in love" all the time in the first place. It doesn't.

IMO a person should never expect to be "in love" all the time. Feelings inevitably fluctuate. A consistent/stable relationship needs to be based on more than just one's moment-to-moment feelings toward the other person.

A consistent/stable relationship is based on a decision to make a commitment to the other person. That decision is based, ideally, on knowledge about each other; the knowledge (hopefully well-founded) that you are compatible enough to justify making such a commitment.

It takes time to develop such knowledge. It can't and shouldn't be based on just a rush of emotion.

I do know that feelings towards people fluctuate and it's normal, I honestly didn't explain things well in the OP because I was confused about my feelings. After making this thread I've realized that I withdraw from people when I get close to them and kind of shutdown emotionally a bit, which is what I guess I was noticing when I made this thread.


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