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techguy010
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03 May 2021, 4:09 pm

Hi guys. For the past five years I have been attempting to establish a friends group or just a cool community to hang out with online but over those five years I have kept hitting a wall, and this has happened around four times now, I get a group together, but then some kind of drama ends up happening and it all just falls apart and everyone abandons and blocks or so on so forth. I always found it very difficult to make friends IRL so I thought maybe the online route would be better. Should I go back to trying the IRL route? I feel like I have just wasted 5 whole years. idk why it has to be so hard.

The thing with the drama is each time something happens people will try and convince one way or the other and then when I choose one side over the other it just makes it worse, and then that happens enough times to the point where there is complete isolation.

plus the IRL route is even harder rn with the pandemic and all. And my personality is very intense once I get going which can be too much for others, but when I try to supress it I become depressed and then just isolate myself anyway. I feel lost right now and when I am isolated for too long I start talking to myself a lot, and then I start getting confused between what's real and isn't, and just losing general grip on time and placing. And so although I can enjoy being alone for long periods of time it probably isn't healthy for my mental wellbeing.



kraftiekortie
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03 May 2021, 4:37 pm

In my opinion, "real life" is frequently better than "online" when it comes to making friends.

Though I have some nice online friends.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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05 May 2021, 2:50 pm

techguy010 wrote:
. . . And my personality is very intense once I get going which can be too much for others, but when I try to supress it I become depressed and then just isolate myself anyway. .
I say, stay passionate.

People sometimes admire passion even if they’re not into the particular topic, but I guess they usually want you to stay brief. And/or let them do the work of drawing you out if they want more info.

—————————

For example, I can still remember that my friend found it really neat that this other guy was really passionate about the “in-breeding” at the University of Houston — meaning a PhD student becoming a professor at the very place he or she got their degree.

All the same, if the guy had given a five minute harangue, it may or may not (remember, I’m Aspie!) have been too much.



Mona Pereth
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05 May 2021, 4:05 pm

techguy010 wrote:
Hi guys. For the past five years I have been attempting to establish a friends group or just a cool community to hang out with online but over those five years I have kept hitting a wall, and this has happened around four times now, I get a group together, but then some kind of drama ends up happening and it all just falls apart and everyone abandons and blocks or so on so forth.

Were these "online communities" on message boards (organized into sub-forums and topics/threads, like Wrong Planet, and moderated by small teams of volunteers) or just on today's major social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, etc.)?

I think you'll find a lot less drama here on Wrong Planet than on today's major social media. Occasionally there's drama here too, but not nearly as much or as bad.

techguy010 wrote:
I always found it very difficult to make friends IRL so I thought maybe the online route would be better. Should I go back to trying the IRL route? I feel like I have just wasted 5 whole years. idk why it has to be so hard.

I would suggest a mix of online and in-person.

If you are okay with Zoom chats, it might be a good idea to look on Meetup.com for groups in your local area that pertain to interests of yours and that usually meet in person but are now meeting via Zoom.

Also, here on Wrong Planet and on any other message boards you join, I would suggest that you include your approximate location in your profile. Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do at least include what country you live in, and/or, if it's a large country, your province/state/region and/or nearest major metropolitan area. That way, hopefully, some of you online friends can eventually become real-life friends.


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BeaArthur
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07 May 2021, 1:25 pm

Like any other autistic person, techguy, you are hoping to find that magical formula that will make your friendship group coalesce and be harmonious and long-lasting.

There is no magical formula, though.

Think of it like a beach. Waves come and go, and over a longer time period, so do the tides. You can still enjoy going to the beach, but you will never master the ocean. Social interactions are the sea water - they come and go, sometimes a little bit, sometimes as big as a tide (sometimes, but rarely, a tsunami).

If you want greater longevity in a social group, I advise connecting with one associated with an organization that has some stability. It might be co-workers at the same long-term job. But it might be the people who always show up to pub quizzes at your local bar, or the karaoke night at a local restaurant. It might be joining a long-standing organization like the Sierra Club or Audubon Society. It could be volunteering at a local charity that is well established and likely to continue. And then stick with it.

Association with some organization provides something of an anchor that keeps things going.

You might need to tone down the intense personality, too, though. Maybe a therapist can help you figure out how to do that, without becoming depressed.


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