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Edna3362
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05 May 2021, 12:35 am

After years worth of contemplation, I already figured which is of me is autism, which is at least influenced by autism and which isn't.


The latter is easy for me; all I had to do, is see subtle yet inherent similarities from my blood relatives (who are, I might add, lines that is not 'vulnerable' nor ND-inclined), and what made sense being around particular cultures or circumstances (which usually is more counter-aspie)

What's influenced by autism, is more or less reaction from the latter through the autistic lens.
It can be specific behaviors or habits picked up and then translated to preferences and inclinations from an otherwise neutral factor.
This part is actually the most visible for me.

And the rest is mostly autism; which is more or less like modifiers.
Some are translated into behaviors and thoughts. Some are more passive like sensitivities and aptitudes.


I'm just as confused if the autistic part remain a mystery.


The angry and moody part of me is not inherently autism.
It's a trait that both my parents have. And being in an emotionally expressive culture.

What's inherently autistic it is to do with sensitivity, emotional regulation and modulation.
So the moody part for me is at least amplified if not less manageable by it due to specific developmental delays.

What's influentially autistic is my reactions and behaviors from the amplified moodiness.
I can be unpredictable, I can be flying off the handle and be stubborn, or I can simply be very motivated -- in areas allistics didn't thought of nor do on the same state, fueling my focus by factors.


Let's add another factor;
What's not inherent; autistic or otherwise... Say, depression.

In my depressed state, my moodiness usually goes sour or dulled or worse, like some trap wrapped around my body.
There's no motivation, only the want not to deal with anything and the urge to punch people on the face.


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Mountain Goat
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05 May 2021, 5:32 am

Something Profound wrote:
I am in a bit of a similar boat, being at the start of my own "Am I Asperger's/HF ASD?" journey. I look back at my life and realize that a lot of the wonder of why I seemed so "unique" (but not necessarily in a good way, as all of my unique traits seemed to always draw the attention of abusers/bullies) could be autistic traits that were manifesting and went unnoticed because I learned enough coping or masking skills to come off as being just a bit weird, but not on the spectrum.

It does not help that when many of us undiagnosed adults were kids, Autism awareness was still being fleshed out, with many stigmas and misunderstandings by the public that continue even today. That no one really thought "Oh, there are probably thousands, possibly millions of undiagnosed adults" is astounding to me; the focus has always been on identifying children who are Autistic, not in trying to see if adults might be as well. And that leaves many of us just kinda mystified and wondering...even doubting.

"Am I actually on the spectrum?"
"Are these traits just oddball quirks that make me unique?"
"What if I am Autistic?"
"What if I am NOT Autistic?"

These are thoughts I have (and they are a bit simplified to be honest). And I occillate between having a good grasp on it. I am a year out from getting diagnosed. I scored 34 on the AQ test, a 15/80 on the EQ test, 130/200 for my Aspie score and a 76/200 on my NT score.

There is a chance that maybe I am just...aloof, eccentric, odd, weird, reserved...any of the various adjectives that have been used to fit me over the years. Right? But then, it looks, based on those scores and what they mean (keeping in mind that online tests do not equal diagnosis), that I am very likely an Aspie. And when I look at my life with that perspective, EVERYTHING makes sense, from the times I had a school counsellor work with me on recognizing emotional states by facial expression, to some of my early speech therapies, to my near literal interpretations of information that got me beaten on several occasions, to actually having a baby sitter (an adult woman who was 40 years old who I considered a friend of equal social stature when I was 7-10 yrs old) teach me how conversations work...to walking on the balls of my feet to this day, aged 38, to removing any door in my home except the front door because I get tired of knocking on them to enter (when no one is here but me), to always feeling alone and misunderstood and frustrated that certain things that seem so simple are apparently a difficulty and point of struggle for "normal" people, and that me knowing and seeing the simplicity doesn't earn me respect or gratitude but made me a pariah...and on the reverse feeling like there was some secret out there that I just did not get that made normal people thrive in social settings, and issue that took me years to get over to the point where I stopped caring about it.

And never knowing why any of these experiences that were points of struggle for me, or just strange quirks of mine, were the way they were until the one moment when somebody (my mother) suggested in hindsight that maybe I am on the spectrum...

And bam, suddenly everything makes so much sense.

But at 38 I struggle with this notion, not because it scares me (quite the opposite in fact, it feels RIGHT to me), but because I have spent 38 years thinking I am NT, and I can't just ignore this niggling notion that I might still be "NT" with a hefty portion of weird.

So, to reiterate: I get it. I can really see where you are coming from, because hey, I am in the same boat.


Thank you for your informative reply. It took me two years from the point where I first realized that there may be something in this autism connected with me and the issues I have and the autism spectrum, and asking one of my doctors if I was an aspie.

I actually expected a yes/no answer as I wanted to rule it in or out s I hd had a lifetime of trying to find out what the [Shutdown] experiences were and why they were happening... I just did not know back then what was going on and how to explain it. (I had never heard about shutdowns before I joined this site. All I could go on is faceblindness and the experience which somehow seemed similar to autistic meltdowns but was different).
The reason why it took me so long to ask was that from the point where I first found out there was a possibility (I had been dating an aspie lady... My second ever girlfriend, and I could not fathom out what the autism spectrum actually was as when I asked her how it effects her and what it means, apart from a few things she said, most of what she said was day to day normal life for me. (It did not hit me then but as she was starting to get frustrated trying to explain to someone who could not see how she was different, I jokingly said "Maybe I am on the spectrum as well" as a way to diffuse the situation. She then said there is an online test and when we got to a computer, I tried it.
Even though I had to ask her what terms were, and she did not know some of them, so I answered "No" to some questions which I later found out I should have said "Yes", I had a result which was just inside by four points of the boarderline on the autism side and it said "See a doctor or a health professional etc" which had me puzzled.
I actually said jokingly because my previous experience with past doctors (I had recently changed doctors by then but my experience was with the previous doctors) were one where one could basically walk in there with ones arm off being held in ones other hand and they would say the standard reply "Take a paracetamol and go to bed". My brother took this literally for years (Unknown to his doctor) which ruined the lining of his stomache. We used to call the doctor "Doctor paracetamol" because whatever we went in with it was the same reply, and we wondered if he actually was qualified as a doctor as we heard a few stories along those lines...
But anyway. This new doctor experience...
It took me two years as I kept getting mindblank each time I tried to ask and I would have to revert to one of my standard things about a different subject to get my mind back online again so I could talk.
This annoyed me so much that after a year and a half of trying to ask I said to myself "Forget it. I want nothing to do with autism" as I was soo annoyed with myself for not being able to ask.

Then I was looking up prosopragnosia (Faceblindness) which both I and my Mum and her Mum before her who has since passed away have. (I think it sort of switches on and off and we do not know when it does this, so one can easily upset people without knowing one has upset them).
I went on a youtube binge over a few complete days where I watched everything I could find about the subject... Everything except one video which I kept refusing to look at which was called "Ask An Autistic" which I had decided in my mind that "No. I am not looking at it".
Finally after about three or four days of exhausting everything except for this one video (Short film? Why do we call them videos? What would be a better word?), and so I said to myself "Go on then. I may as well. I have watched everything else (And I had. Hours and hours and hours of it), and one thing she said took me back in surprize. She said that over 65% or 85% (I do not remember the percentage. It was a majority) of people who had faceblindness were on the autism spectrum.

I was then absolutely determined to find out and I wanted a there and then yes or no answer so I could move on as this was like a wall in front of me I had to deal with, hence why I went in to see my doctor (I had to wait a few days. I think it was two weeks because where it would have been one week, it was two due to a bank holida.y for a few days so I was not able to contact them for an appointment for a few days and I asked for an appointment that was not urgent as but I needed to speak to a doctor to ask something... The receptionist then had to ask what I wanted to ask, so I told and she booked the appointment with the one doctor I had not seen before (A lady doctor who was well known for her one word straight to the point replies). Gosh. I am writing too much so I will cut this short.
Well. I did not get my yes or no reply. She doubted I had enough evidence to go by. My Mum had to speak because I had mindblank again. Good job she did.
I was put forward for consideration by the local autism assessment team and they accepted me on the limited information they had.
Long story since then. I am waiting to be assessed.
I joined this site soon after being put on the list to be assessed as I had to ask a question and i did not know who to ask as I was nervous about being on a list as I tend to take myself off waiting lists because being on lists makes me anxious. So I have been shocked and astounded to find I have many traits that I did not know were traits since I have been on this site).
And this is my story so far...



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05 May 2021, 5:42 am

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I appreciate this post so much. I read a research article last week on Aspie girls and sobbed for hours. There is so much suffering I could have avoided had someone helped me or intervened. I am waiting for my assessment appointment in two weeks. I have been odd/different my whole life; looking at aspie criteria, I meet it; reading through this site hits me so deeply. I have read countless books, research articles, and so forth, and even people have mentioned it to me. Still, for some reason, I just feel like they will say no, because I can talk or because I have a job, but all the other things, having to make rule lists for friends, what's a safe person and what's not, not understanding intent, struggling with eye contact, not being able to be touched, all the sensory stuff, figuring out how to be a girl at work, or a girl with girls, or what face to make, or sound to make, and so many other rules. I am always playing roles, sometimes I don't even want to, and it just happens, parroting, imitating. Sorry for ranting. I am kind of anxious and overwhelmed, but I am grateful to be here and for this post.

browneyedgirl


Thank you so much for your reply to this thread. Often we can struggle and not knkw why we are struggling or how we are struggling as we can't seem to make sense of things, as somehow tasks and life seems so much harder and we do not know why before we realize there is a reason why.
It is strange. All my life I had been wondering and asking myself this, but not knowing exactly what it was that I was asking if that makes sense?

I once reasoned (Even before I knew it was called masking... But I knew it was a "Thing" because I did it myself and have done it since a young child) while in school that the children who were popular (As I was the opposite and very much on my own though I would occasionally have a friend but not often)... Well, I reasoned to myself that they must be soo much better at doing it (Masking) then I was. I really thought this! I did not realize that I was the only one who was doing it, or maybe one of the very few. I just did not realize!



Mountain Goat
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05 May 2021, 5:54 am

Edna3362 wrote:
After years worth of contemplation, I already figured which is of me is autism, which is at least influenced by autism and which isn't.


The latter is easy for me; all I had to do, is see subtle yet inherent similarities from my blood relatives (who are, I might add, lines that is not 'vulnerable' nor ND-inclined), and what made sense being around particular cultures or circumstances (which usually is more counter-aspie)

What's influenced by autism, is more or less reaction from the latter through the autistic lens.
It can be specific behaviors or habits picked up and then translated to preferences and inclinations from an otherwise neutral factor.
This part is actually the most visible for me.

And the rest is mostly autism; which is more or less like modifiers.
Some are translated into behaviors and thoughts. Some are more passive like sensitivities and aptitudes.


I'm just as confused if the autistic part remain a mystery.


The angry and moody part of me is not inherently autism.
It's a trait that both my parents have. And being in an emotionally expressive culture.

What's inherently autistic it is to do with sensitivity, emotional regulation and modulation.
So the moody part for me is at least amplified if not less manageable by it due to specific developmental delays.

What's influentially autistic is my reactions and behaviors from the amplified moodiness.
I can be unpredictable, I can be flying off the handle and be stubborn, or I can simply be very motivated -- in areas allistics didn't thought of nor do on the same state, fueling my focus by factors.


Let's add another factor;
What's not inherent; autistic or otherwise... Say, depression.

In my depressed state, my moodiness usually goes sour or dulled or worse, like some trap wrapped around my body.
There's no motivation, only the want not to deal with anything and the urge to punch people on the face.


Depression. Sometimes I can be depressed through circumstances where others blame me for things I have not done as I can easily get in situations where there is no way out, as I would get the blame either way as I seem to be a target. It is wierd.
Yet if I point out the real logic and who is actually to blame (Often the accuser who will not except their lack of ability and that they caused the situation) I get blamed for giving my logic, which can make me depressed as I whatever I say seems to be wrong.
Yet if someone else says what I said, they are a hero somehow and a solution?

Life can be wierd like that. And if I say nothing, I get the blame anyway?



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 8:49 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I appreciate this post so much. I read a research article last week on Aspie girls and sobbed for hours. There is so much suffering I could have avoided had someone helped me or intervened. I am waiting for my assessment appointment in two weeks. I have been odd/different my whole life; looking at aspie criteria, I meet it; reading through this site hits me so deeply. I have read countless books, research articles, and so forth, and even people have mentioned it to me. Still, for some reason, I just feel like they will say no, because I can talk or because I have a job, but all the other things, having to make rule lists for friends, what's a safe person and what's not, not understanding intent, struggling with eye contact, not being able to be touched, all the sensory stuff, figuring out how to be a girl at work, or a girl with girls, or what face to make, or sound to make, and so many other rules. I am always playing roles, sometimes I don't even want to, and it just happens, parroting, imitating. Sorry for ranting. I am kind of anxious and overwhelmed, but I am grateful to be here and for this post.

browneyedgirl


Thank you so much for your reply to this thread. Often we can struggle and not knkw why we are struggling or how we are struggling as we can't seem to make sense of things, as somehow tasks and life seems so much harder and we do not know why before we realize there is a reason why.
It is strange. All my life I had been wondering and asking myself this, but not knowing exactly what it was that I was asking if that makes sense?

I once reasoned (Even before I knew it was called masking... But I knew it was a "Thing" because I did it myself and have done it since a young child) while in school that the children who were popular (As I was the opposite and very much on my own though I would occasionally have a friend but not often)... Well, I reasoned to myself that they must be soo much better at doing it (Masking) then I was. I really thought this! I did not realize that I was the only one who was doing it, or maybe one of the very few. I just did not realize!


I had no idea I was doing it either, but now that I am thinking more and more deeply about myself and what I have been doing, it started once I got connected to cultural systems for socialization, organized religion, television, school, work, etc. My mom actually never really informed me that I was odd, neither did my immediate family, but as I got older and interacted with others, watching tv etc, it started. I think too that understanding that this performance is not me has had a ripple effect that is still active across my entire identity. It is like crumbling. I looked in my closet yesterday and I have so many performance items, clothes I have never wanted but have needed to keep pretending to be normal. I don't know what is going to happen with all of the things associated with this performance, but I know I can only do it for basic survival I don't want it to keep coming on just for people who I don't even like, and that's something else to, I have been doing so many things I don't want to, that don't feel right, just because it looks right, and its what normal people do. It's like I have been following all these rules to be like everyone else unconsciously and I wasn't even aware but I felt so terrible all the time, even as I letting up a bit and trying to stop myself I feel so much better. Back to what you said, I thought that too, that people were so much better at it than me, that it was a game that they were more advanced in, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know why people value the things they do, or talk the way they do. I don't want to try to be like them anymore, I just want to be myself. I feel so sad when I think about how much I haven't known. --sorry for the ranting, this has been happening lately just so many feelings as I come to the realization that I am an aspie. I am not sure how long this sort of crumbling will last.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


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05 May 2021, 9:59 am

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I appreciate this post so much. I read a research article last week on Aspie girls and sobbed for hours. There is so much suffering I could have avoided had someone helped me or intervened. I am waiting for my assessment appointment in two weeks. I have been odd/different my whole life; looking at aspie criteria, I meet it; reading through this site hits me so deeply. I have read countless books, research articles, and so forth, and even people have mentioned it to me. Still, for some reason, I just feel like they will say no, because I can talk or because I have a job, but all the other things, having to make rule lists for friends, what's a safe person and what's not, not understanding intent, struggling with eye contact, not being able to be touched, all the sensory stuff, figuring out how to be a girl at work, or a girl with girls, or what face to make, or sound to make, and so many other rules. I am always playing roles, sometimes I don't even want to, and it just happens, parroting, imitating. Sorry for ranting. I am kind of anxious and overwhelmed, but I am grateful to be here and for this post.

browneyedgirl


Thank you so much for your reply to this thread. Often we can struggle and not knkw why we are struggling or how we are struggling as we can't seem to make sense of things, as somehow tasks and life seems so much harder and we do not know why before we realize there is a reason why.
It is strange. All my life I had been wondering and asking myself this, but not knowing exactly what it was that I was asking if that makes sense?

I once reasoned (Even before I knew it was called masking... But I knew it was a "Thing" because I did it myself and have done it since a young child) while in school that the children who were popular (As I was the opposite and very much on my own though I would occasionally have a friend but not often)... Well, I reasoned to myself that they must be soo much better at doing it (Masking) then I was. I really thought this! I did not realize that I was the only one who was doing it, or maybe one of the very few. I just did not realize!


I had no idea I was doing it either, but now that I am thinking more and more deeply about myself and what I have been doing, it started once I got connected to cultural systems for socialization, organized religion, television, school, work, etc. My mom actually never really informed me that I was odd, neither did my immediate family, but as I got older and interacted with others, watching tv etc, it started. I think too that understanding that this performance is not me has had a ripple effect that is still active across my entire identity. It is like crumbling. I looked in my closet yesterday and I have so many performance items, clothes I have never wanted but have needed to keep pretending to be normal. I don't know what is going to happen with all of the things associated with this performance, but I know I can only do it for basic survival I don't want it to keep coming on just for people who I don't even like, and that's something else to, I have been doing so many things I don't want to, that don't feel right, just because it looks right, and its what normal people do. It's like I have been following all these rules to be like everyone else unconsciously and I wasn't even aware but I felt so terrible all the time, even as I letting up a bit and trying to stop myself I feel so much better. Back to what you said, I thought that too, that people were so much better at it than me, that it was a game that they were more advanced in, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know why people value the things they do, or talk the way they do. I don't want to try to be like them anymore, I just want to be myself. I feel so sad when I think about how much I haven't known. --sorry for the ranting, this has been happening lately just so many feelings as I come to the realization that I am an aspie. I am not sure how long this sort of crumbling will last.

I have tried to fit in conversations. I never did with clothes. I was told the only reason why I am not fashionable is that I have never been in fashion? Or something like that!
Conversations... I have tried. I never forget making the effort to be "Normal" in conversations, and as people round here talk a lot about the weather, I got my youngest brothers book out (He liked the weather) and I studied a bit of it. It was hard going to study something I am not interested in, but I learned a bit, and I was now ready for the next person who spoke about the weather.
So I waited and one day a neighbour started talking about the weather, so I started pointing to the clouds and giving out lists of newly memorized information about them and the neighbours face looked odd. She had her mouth open and stared at me which is a sign I have done something wrong.
I do not really understand why people want to talk about the weather but when I gave details they will be interested about, they somehow dont want to know and do not want to talk about the weather any more? Then why talk about it?

People do have strange habbits like that. And I thought I was the "Odd" one! Haha!



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05 May 2021, 10:32 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
I do not really understand why people want to talk about the weather but when I gave details they will be interested about, they somehow dont want to know and do not want to talk about the weather any more? Then why talk about it?


People talk about a variety of inane and irrelevant things. I kinda get irritated by people who talk in circles about the same subject over and over (and unfortunately that is most people in my family), but I have had to come to grips with the notion that they do it to fill in the void of silence more than an actual need to converse about something meaningful or interesting. People sometimes are just talking for the sake of talking.

I have had to adapt a few strategies to get around areas of conversation that do not really make any sense to me or that I struggle with. "I am going to say something that is probably not going to be a good thing that you want to hear." I preface this with when I feel I need to be completely honest, without tact or other niceties of conversation. Other times I halt the conversation and ask, "Do you need me to listen, or do you need me to help you figure this out?" While this sounds nice and empathetic, it really is just me trying to figure out if I have permission to give my honest opinions (that are usually not pleasant to hear) or if I can tune out a little.

I say "a little" but that just means that I do not have to be an active listener. I sadly do not have the luxury of completely tuning out. I absorb far too much information.



Mountain Goat
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05 May 2021, 10:37 am

I do talk repeatedly about the same subject from different angles as I do this to get a depth of understanding about the subject so I can "Grasp" it.

Often I need to talk to get to reson what I feel about things. I bounce ideas back and fore.

Different people are different.

What puzzled me about the weather situation was that they spoke about the weather but did not want to know when I explained in depth about the subject they were talking about. It was like they did not want to know... Which puzzled me.
When I talk about things it is because I want to know.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 2:58 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
Mountain Goat wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I appreciate this post so much. I read a research article last week on Aspie girls and sobbed for hours. There is so much suffering I could have avoided had someone helped me or intervened. I am waiting for my assessment appointment in two weeks. I have been odd/different my whole life; looking at aspie criteria, I meet it; reading through this site hits me so deeply. I have read countless books, research articles, and so forth, and even people have mentioned it to me. Still, for some reason, I just feel like they will say no, because I can talk or because I have a job, but all the other things, having to make rule lists for friends, what's a safe person and what's not, not understanding intent, struggling with eye contact, not being able to be touched, all the sensory stuff, figuring out how to be a girl at work, or a girl with girls, or what face to make, or sound to make, and so many other rules. I am always playing roles, sometimes I don't even want to, and it just happens, parroting, imitating. Sorry for ranting. I am kind of anxious and overwhelmed, but I am grateful to be here and for this post.

browneyedgirl


Thank you so much for your reply to this thread. Often we can struggle and not knkw why we are struggling or how we are struggling as we can't seem to make sense of things, as somehow tasks and life seems so much harder and we do not know why before we realize there is a reason why.
It is strange. All my life I had been wondering and asking myself this, but not knowing exactly what it was that I was asking if that makes sense?

I once reasoned (Even before I knew it was called masking... But I knew it was a "Thing" because I did it myself and have done it since a young child) while in school that the children who were popular (As I was the opposite and very much on my own though I would occasionally have a friend but not often)... Well, I reasoned to myself that they must be soo much better at doing it (Masking) then I was. I really thought this! I did not realize that I was the only one who was doing it, or maybe one of the very few. I just did not realize!


I had no idea I was doing it either, but now that I am thinking more and more deeply about myself and what I have been doing, it started once I got connected to cultural systems for socialization, organized religion, television, school, work, etc. My mom actually never really informed me that I was odd, neither did my immediate family, but as I got older and interacted with others, watching tv etc, it started. I think too that understanding that this performance is not me has had a ripple effect that is still active across my entire identity. It is like crumbling. I looked in my closet yesterday and I have so many performance items, clothes I have never wanted but have needed to keep pretending to be normal. I don't know what is going to happen with all of the things associated with this performance, but I know I can only do it for basic survival I don't want it to keep coming on just for people who I don't even like, and that's something else to, I have been doing so many things I don't want to, that don't feel right, just because it looks right, and its what normal people do. It's like I have been following all these rules to be like everyone else unconsciously and I wasn't even aware but I felt so terrible all the time, even as I letting up a bit and trying to stop myself I feel so much better. Back to what you said, I thought that too, that people were so much better at it than me, that it was a game that they were more advanced in, I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know why people value the things they do, or talk the way they do. I don't want to try to be like them anymore, I just want to be myself. I feel so sad when I think about how much I haven't known. --sorry for the ranting, this has been happening lately just so many feelings as I come to the realization that I am an aspie. I am not sure how long this sort of crumbling will last.

I have tried to fit in conversations. I never did with clothes. I was told the only reason why I am not fashionable is that I have never been in fashion? Or something like that!
Conversations... I have tried. I never forget making the effort to be "Normal" in conversations, and as people round here talk a lot about the weather, I got my youngest brothers book out (He liked the weather) and I studied a bit of it. It was hard going to study something I am not interested in, but I learned a bit, and I was now ready for the next person who spoke about the weather.
So I waited and one day a neighbour started talking about the weather, so I started pointing to the clouds and giving out lists of newly memorized information about them and the neighbours face looked odd. She had her mouth open and stared at me which is a sign I have done something wrong.
I do not really understand why people want to talk about the weather but when I gave details they will be interested about, they somehow dont want to know and do not want to talk about the weather any more? Then why talk about it?

People do have strange habbits like that. And I thought I was the "Odd" one! Haha!


Haha, your neighbor must have been shocked! I do that, someone will mention a problem or an issue, I offer the solution they don't want it, then they do the same thing over and over again, and I keep offering up solutions and they get quite angry or frustrated. I don't understand, but people do this, have problems, know the solution but don't use it. I hate it! If you don't want to know why ask or say anything at all? What am I supposed to do with that?! Very odd indeed.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


Mountain Goat
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05 May 2021, 5:16 pm

I get difficulties with that neighbour (Though recently she has been trough a tough time and I hope she recovers) because she works by the hint system and I just don't get hints that well, so I can easily end up in her bad books and know nothing about it. She then tells others and I find out through others how I did not help her when she asked, and she never asked... Though I could not help her in recent years because I went through burnout.
It is more that I get really frustrated when I (From her viewpoint) had done something wrong and I do not have a clue what I had done or had not done etc... Even my Mum can't always work her out as she never says what she actually means. She used to work in an office where they operated by manipulating people to do things for them rather then asking directly, and after she retired a couple of decades ago she kept up with these methods.
Mind you. I understand it. Like going to see a retired primary school teacher in later years and she talks to you as if you are six or seven years old... :P Old habbits can be hard to break.
[When I say neighbour. We all have a field or three inbetween us].



autisticelders
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Location: Alpena MI

05 May 2021, 5:59 pm

I though about maybe being autistic around age 65 and got "official diagnosis" at 3 days before my 68th birthday, I will be 70 this year... so I have had a few years to adjust.

I did not know I was me (who I really am) because I had spent most of my life worrying about being what other people wanted me to be, trying to please others to keep them from being angry with me, trying to avoid any kind of meanness or cruelty or bullying by being "extra nice"... appeasement behavior I learned before I could speak as a way to survive spankings, shamings, etc all my life.

I just could not do what they expected of me.

It was a huge relief to learn about my autism because it meant : I was not a bad person because I struggled with what seemed to be so easy and obvious to others.

I started to think about the things I was doing to please others. Going places that made me miserable, gave me headaches and nausea, that made me tremble from fear and stress.

I learned how to say NO and how to set boundaries and make choices about what I really wanted to do and what was just to please or appease somebody else.

Little by little I was able to find the things that gave me comfort and made me feel at peace, less afraid, and things that I found gave my life interest and were interesting or exciting to do.
Everybody is unique, even our autistic wiring is different from person to person. I think many of us do not think of ourselves, we are so worried about pleasing others and trying to avoid being bullied, punished, scolded, shamed, etc, that we just go from minute to minute trying to escape demands and find peace by being "left alone".
I did not find peace until I learned that I needed to please myself first. I needed to take care of myself and see that I had good healthy food, a safe place to be, enough sleep, enough exercise, healthy things to do because I choose to do them, not just to fulfill somebody else's idea of what I "should" be, how I "should" dress, What I "should" do, etc.

I have come to know myself more these past couple of years now I know about my autism. I can see how autism worked in my life to create such confusion, frustration, hurt and danger.

NOW I can understand and heal. It is taking time but life is getting better.

If an autistic person wants to find "who you are" under all the other "stuff", look for the things that are the hardest for you.
What you struggle with the most, that causes you the most stress and distress, and emotional pain or frustration.

I learned I did not have to go to restaurants and movies and shopping malls, other people wanted me to do those things but they were so hard for me.
Instead I ask somebody else to do a cookout or a picnic or go to a drive through and eat lunch in a park or on the beach.
Instead of a movie in a loud theater or on TV, I read a book.

Instead of the mall and shopping downtown , I shop online.

I thought about what was hardest for me and found other ways to do things.
Everybody's list of hard things will be different, but I think that if we spend some time sorting out and looking at our lives, one by one, getting rid of the hardest things first and finding new ways to do them, we will uncover our true "self" beneath all of the things we have been doing to get along, to please somebody, to avoid being scolded, punished, arguments, etc.

I hope you take you time and think each thing through. We know what we hate do have to do the worst, right?

There are usually lots of different choices for how to do almost everything if we just let go of the old way and do it in a way that is healthier for our selves.

Sending best wishes, If I can do it, you can too.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 6:30 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:
I get difficulties with that neighbour (Though recently she has been trough a tough time and I hope she recovers) because she works by the hint system and I just don't get hints that well, so I can easily end up in her bad books and know nothing about it. She then tells others and I find out through others how I did not help her when she asked, and she never asked... Though I could not help her in recent years because I went through burnout.
It is more that I get really frustrated when I (From her viewpoint) had done something wrong and I do not have a clue what I had done or had not done etc... Even my Mum can't always work her out as she never says what she actually means. She used to work in an office where they operated by manipulating people to do things for them rather then asking directly, and after she retired a couple of decades ago she kept up with these methods.
Mind you. I understand it. Like going to see a retired primary school teacher in later years and she talks to you as if you are six or seven years old... :P Old habbits can be hard to break.
[When I say neighbour. We all have a field or three inbetween us].


Whoa, hints are so hard, I do not like that. Manipulation is such an intense way of getting needs met, but it is effective for a lot of people that's why they keep it up. I don't like it all. It is very upsetting for me when it happens. I also try to avoid people that communicate like this. It's passive aggressive and I can't be expected to read anyone's mind, I can barely read their faces!


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


CrabbyHermit
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06 May 2021, 5:34 am

I'm very much in two minds about it all.

On the one hand I can totally understand people's reasoning behind wanting a diagnosis as its an answer, for all those unanswered questions and a reason why you can never seem to succeed confidently in particular areas of life.

For children, teenagers then I think a diagnosis is a lot more important as they can then hopefully access help and support whilst growing up and beyond.

For me, I'm hoping I can get away without a diagnosis and still confidently succeed in those areas I haven't yet conquered. I think admitting to myself, yes maybe I am on the spectrum has made me research, research, research all I can find out about females with ASD. I've Googled, watched YouTube, read blogs and now joined this forum.

Armed with this knowledge I now feel like I have to put things in to action within myself and do the things I need to do in the way which will help me succeed. For far too long I've avoided doing things which I've found too difficult because I can't quite do them in the same way as other people. It's made me feel 'defective' and different for far too long. Its time to get over this feeling.

Problem is, its easy for me to say all this now as I'm at home. Once I'm back at work things will be so much harder. So that's where I'm up to with all this.



Steve1963
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06 May 2021, 5:38 am

CrabbyHermit wrote:
Problem is, its easy for me to say all this now as I'm at home. Once I'm back at work things will be so much harder. So that's where I'm up to with all this.
Is there any way you can continue working from home? My company was nice enough to accommodate my social anxiety (among other things) and allow me to work from home full time.



CrabbyHermit
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06 May 2021, 5:58 am

Steve1963 wrote:
CrabbyHermit wrote:
Problem is, its easy for me to say all this now as I'm at home. Once I'm back at work things will be so much harder. So that's where I'm up to with all this.
Is there any way you can continue working from home? My company was nice enough to accommodate my social anxiety (among other things) and allow me to work from home full time.


No, as its really not the kind of job which can be done at home. Although I find parts of it so tricky, I know about Social Anxiety all too well, ugh! I actually enjoy the routine of going out to work, the weekdays and the weekend feel completely different - I like that.

Believe it or not, I want the interaction in a way I wish I didn't as I think it'd make things easier but I do want to be able to a little better at all that.

I'm currently at home, but not working from home.



Steve1963
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06 May 2021, 6:02 am

CrabbyHermit wrote:
Believe it or not, I want the interaction in a way I wish I didn't as I think it'd make things easier but I do want to be able to a little better at all that.

I don't believe it. :)

I kind of get wanting the work interaction, but I get enough of it via meetings. :) The in-person experience is overrated. :)