Responding gracefully to constructive criticism

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Mona Pereth
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20 Jul 2021, 8:51 pm

AngelL wrote:
Fascinating all the different takes... I haven't been here (WP) very long, and I certainly am not looking to stir the pot at all - but 'rubs me the wrong way' took the words out of the air around me because I said that aloud to myself minutes before I read Bea's version. That said, whether something rubs me the wrong way says more about me than it does the other person. I know what rubbed me the wrong way though, and I'll share what that was, precisely because it says more about me than it does them.

Someone quite early on said something along the lines of, 'I don't want people to be assertive with me I want them to be clear and explicit'. They were told it was the same thing. They were told that if they wanted to discuss it they had to go elsewhere. And, if they followed the link they would have found a definition already waiting for them that said:

Assertiveness means expressing your concerns clearly and explicitly.

It's sort of like having the following conversation:

I prefer apples over oranges.
Apples and Oranges are the same thing. You seem confused. I can help get you unconfused over <here> by defining apples and oranges as the same thing there.

Doesn't seem like there's room for conversation, except to learn why they're 'wrong'.

Do you see an actual difference in meaning between "assertive" and "clear and explicit"? If so, I'm curious to know what that difference is. (But I would appreciate it very much if you could discuss that as a reply to this post of mine in the separate thread on "Asseritiveness", rather than here in this thread, to avoid taking this current thread too far off-topic.)

AngelL wrote:
Struck me as condescending as heck.

Thanks for pointing to something specific that came across to you as condescending. I'll have to look back at it and see if there might have been a better way to word it.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 20 Jul 2021, 11:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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20 Jul 2021, 9:02 pm

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
I feel I straddle two worlds. I don't accept the OP 'as a professional whom I want to follow,' but I'm not compelled to.

As I said earlier, I'm not a "professional" (in any relevant field) and I have never claimed to be one. The pages on my website about assertiveness and giving and receiving constructive criticism contain lists of tutorials written by other people (many of whom are "professionals"), not by me.


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Last edited by Mona Pereth on 20 Jul 2021, 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mona Pereth
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20 Jul 2021, 10:23 pm

AngelL wrote:
So please, let me just back up to the idea on constructive vs destructive criticism, cause I was pretty sure that would be okay to add twenty-four hours ago. All I was going to say on this is that, rather than try to figure out whether something is 'constructive criticism' or not, I just act as if all criticism is meant constructively. I know that it's not, but if I can learn from what was said, then at least at times, I can turn 'destructive criticism' into something constructive. Ultimately, whatever judgment I hang on something (i.e. good/bad, constructive/destructive, beautiful/ugly, etc.) is up to me. Sometimes, that's the only choice I have, so I try to use it wisely. I don't always succeed.

I think it's great if you can accept at least most criticism as constructive and try to learn from it. There do exist, unfortunately, people who just like to insult people, or who give "criticisms" that are very non-specific and hence unhelpful, or who blame other people for things they shouldn't be blamed for. But there's quite a bit of gray area between constructive and destructive criticism. And, if you have the ability to put your ego aside and try to learn from it, I think it's great to be able to do that. Many people have extreme difficulty dealing with any kind of criticism.


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ezbzbfcg2
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20 Jul 2021, 11:50 pm

If assertive means "clear and explicit," I can attest that sometimes being genuinely assertive is misconstrued/misinterpreted/erroneously presumed to be talk-back or feigning ignorance. Assertiveness only works if both parties are willing to play ball.



Mona Pereth
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20 Jul 2021, 11:57 pm

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
If assertive means "clear and explicit," I can attest that sometimes being genuinely assertive is misconstrued/misinterpreted/erroneously presumed to be talk-back or feigning ignorance. Assertiveness only works if both parties are willing to play ball.

Yep, there's certainly no guarantee that people will respond well to assertiveness, although most people are more likely to respond well to assertiveness than to aggressiveness.

The complementary skill required in order to "play ball" with the other person's assertiveness is the ability to respond well to constructive criticism -- which is the topic of this thread.


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ezbzbfcg2
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21 Jul 2021, 12:02 am

I think, generally speaking, NTs misinterpret constructive criticism as aggression when coming from an Aspie.

I think Aspies have the opposite problem with NTs in not realizing someone is deliberately putting them down, giving the NT the benefit of the doubt and assuming their criticism is valid and well-intentioned.



Mona Pereth
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21 Jul 2021, 6:20 am

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
I think, generally speaking, NTs misinterpret constructive criticism as aggression when coming from an Aspie.

I think there are a few different factors at work here:

1) There are quite a few people who can't handle any kind of direct criticism whatsoever. Many of these people, especially many NT's, prefer to rely on subtle hints -- a notoriously unreliable form of communication, especially between autistic people and NT's.

2) There are various techniques (described in various tutorials on constructive criticism and/or assertiveness in the lists I linked to earlier) for making a constructive criticism less of a threat to the person's ego and reassuring the person that you mean to be constructive. While these techniques aren't guaranteed to work, they do increase the likelihood that the criticism will be received well. Many of us don't use these techniques. (I myself don't claim to have mastered them, although I have long made an effort to use them.)

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
I think Aspies have the opposite problem with NTs in not realizing someone is deliberately putting them down, giving the NT the benefit of the doubt and assuming their criticism is valid and well-intentioned.

This is probably true for many of us.

On the other hand, there also seem to exist quite a few autistic people who have extreme difficulty handling any kind of criticism whatsoever. (I've seen occasional discussions about this here on WP, by people talking about their own sensitivity to criticism.)


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21 Jul 2021, 7:52 am

Thanks for opening up this subject Mona, I am finding this all very interesting.

So much so that I have been prompted into reflecting upon my own use of this lately.

I need to take a breath and remember I am able to do this with kindness and love but above all, empathy.