Venting frustration

Post Reply New Topic

I am becoming very frustrated with my home situation. My dad isn't supposed to be here due to my mom having a restraining order against him, but she constantly lets him back in the house and even allows him to buy alcohol. He's a massive alcoholic and is emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive when drunk. She kicked him out again a couple weeks ago and I've been taking care of everything, since my mom doesn't want to do much besides argue on the phone with him.

We have no money for bills and the only reason we have food is because my mom is getting food assistance. My dad keeps spending the rest on hotels and alcohol while he's gone, and my mom keeps buying marijuana which is expensive. I can't even get a job because my mom won't let me go anywhere by myself, even just walking around the block. The only time I can go outside by myself is when I'm doing lawn work, and even then she tries to usher me inside after a few minutes.

I really want a job so I can move out and don't have to deal with this anymore. I have never liked living here, and every day I spend here further ruins my mental health. My dad has even been threatening to shoot us and other people, and the cops plus the people in our family won't take it seriously or do anything about it. I don't want to be forced to stay here and possibly get killed, and I'm worried about the fact our pets might get taken to a shelter and put down if that happened.

This is an emergency Hero. The cops didn't help me in domestic abuse either, until it was too late. It's very hard to be taken seriously. Your dad has threatened to shoot you. Full stop. That's serious and needs to be investigated by a domestic abuse team. The fact that your parents are both in violation of a restraining order is also problematic. That's against the law for both of them, and now they're putting you at risk with this gun threat. Who issued the restraining order? Do you have a copy? I'd screenshot it. Scan it. Whatever you can do. Get evidence of your dad's shit-talk and threatening language. Phone your school counsellor or a trusted relative if you are too scared to phone the court. I know you don't have privacy for phone calls so maybe there is also a text-based 911 service or domestic abuse support number where you live?

Can I help somehow? I'd be more than willing to do some leg work for you, like looking up contact info and advocacy if you want help. I'd just need to know a few details about where you live. I don't even need your real names.

My dad physically assaulted my mom a year or so ago, and they put a restraining order on him for her when they charged him.

My mom has told the cops, my dad's probation officer, and other people about the shooting threats and shown them the texts he's sending us, but they haven't done anything about it.

My advisory/homeroom teacher and my counselor for high school both know about the fact my dad is abusive. They have given us resources to get financial assistance and other things to get us out of here, but my mom won't go through with them and I can't even do anything with half of them if I'm not allowed to go anywhere. If I told them about the threats they'd just call the cops who already know and don't really care. I've been told they can't do anything else to help us because I'm 20, so they can't call CPS or anything.

I don't have much faith in cops regarding domestic abuse, and I wrote a rant about it last night. I'll help you think of another route. Please be assured you're doing the right thing so far by telling cops, telling family, and keeping the evidence.

I know what a scary situation it is and how daunting it can feel when protective services don't give a damn, or do anything to help. People think that the police will intervene in domestic matters but they normally defer action to family courts, which are cost-prohibitive and very slow. It seems like that's where you're stuck as well. Then people wonder why tragedies occur, and why the family didn't seek help. Chances are, they did.

It sounds to me like your mother has elements of Stockholm Syndrome and / or Complex Trauma, because she's going back and forth about forgiving your dad and knowing what's right or wrong. She's likely frightened and codependent, telling herself it's better to go along with him for a while than to fight back without protection from the police, or her family and friends. Victims can appear to give up when their financial and psycho-emotional resources are drained, and they don't know where else to turn. When children such as yourself are used as leverage between the parties, it's even harder. I bet your mother is trying to make peace for your sake, and also terrified to take action because of threats against you by your father. Complex Trauma causes people to internalise a distorted self-concept of weakness and dependency. It seems your mother doesn't know what to do, like a deer in the headlights, trying to placate all parties in the absence of police support.

I was in the same situation with a lot more violence. I had to appease the person and make nice until the police took action. Any missteps caused further violence and risk for myself and my child. My attempts at fighting back were all in vain. Domestic Assault is a scary and very intimidating system which doesn't work the way we're shown in the media. It sounds like your mother is in the same boat and she's likely more scared than you know. She's trying to appear brave for your sake, and convincing herself he's really not that bad.

This all being said, yes he's that bad. You do need help. Do you know which court issued the restraining order? I would maybe start by emailing someone there, privately. You could also email a domestic assault lawyer for free advice. Most of them will take action by telling you the steps that need to be taken. I'll walk them with you if you need help.

I'm not going to let this go until I know you're safe.

I hate having to say this but you may need to separate yourself from your Mom.

If she does not see the need to get away from him then you have to try as hard as you can to save yourself.

Also, if you are of age your Mom cannot actually stop you from leaving the house. She can complain and yell but she can’t do anything to stop you. And if she does you could report it.

I'm with CollegeGirlAnon. You need to be out of there, and mom really can't tell you what to do any more. You had some leads on financial assistance from the school counselors, right? Can you go ahead and pursue that on your own behalf?

And I'm with Isabella too. Work with her to find resources. And then just go.

People who threaten to shoot sometimes progress to actually shooting. Right now America has terrible mental health, and gun deaths have risen sharply. So this really is an emergency, life-or-death issue.

This is just not going to end well if OP stays.

It’s very hard but you need to understand that you cannot rely on your Mom now. It’s unfair and painful, but there is not much you can do.

I am going to see if the resources the school gave me can do anything for helping me get financial assistance and move out + try to get in contact with the court to see if they can help.

I know my mom can't legally keep me at home anymore, though I'm honestly physically scared of her too, plus she guilt trips me by acting like I am abandoning her and the pets if I mention eventually moving or leaving the house. I know I need to get over that though and figure out how to get out of here. She isn't going to put any effort into getting out of this situation and I don't want to wait around for her to and to die in the process.

Are you on SSI? Do you or your mother have a social worker?

My mom has been rejected for SSI multiple times and I don't have any diagnosed conditions that would allow me to get SSI (my ASD isn't diagnosed yet). My mom might have a social worker and I was supposed to have one when my mom's doctor called APS, but they went through my mom and she wouldn't give me the contact info.

Your mother is going to guilt trip you no matter what you do. It's a projection of the way your dad likely treated HER. He also certainly guilt trips her about the restraining order and about allowing him back into the house. She's scared and doesn't want you to leave, because that would leave her alone with him. She's also worried that you'll tell people if you leave and then she'll be punished for breaking the restraining order that she requested. It's really complicated but that doesn't mean it's OK. I'm just trying to understand where your mother is coming from. Her guilt and desperation might make her use the pets as a pawn so that you won't go. Be prepared for that. It's very possible, as much as I hate to say it and upset you.

I'm really glad you are going to reach out to the school and the court. Usually there's a court liaison person who does intake for domestic cases. I'd find their email so you can do this privately. It's a slow process but I hope they'll move on it because of the restraining order and threats. Please make sure you have your own copies of the threats if they're on your mother's phone. Forward them somewhere safe. Even PM screenshots of them to yourself on here, if need be.

When I was in the beginning of my danger I wrote a handwritten letter with full details of everything going on and mailed it to myself at my house. I thought that if I died that night, someone would eventually open it and know what was happening. As time went on I also gave important documents to someone for safekeeping: our birth certificates, tax papers, passports, banking information and passwords, etc. They were locked in a safe for me. Do you have access to those types of documents in case you do end up leaving? Identification and paperwork are vital when seeking protective services, legal recourse, or financial aid.

I know you have several siblings who no longer live with you. Do you trust any of them? Would your sister help?

The court knows she's broken the restraining order and she knows nothing will happen to her legally over that. He went to jail for breaking it a couple months ago and they've constantly told her to not let him in the house.

I don't have my social security card or birth certificate because my mom has them. She won't let me have them or know where they are, so I'd have to somehow get new copies of those.

My sister also lives in Colorado and my oldest brother hasn't had contact with me since January. The other two siblings don't have contact with anyone in my family. I'm going to have to figure out how to get out of here pretty much by myself which is part of the reason why I haven't done it yet.

As much as you're on the right track, I'm glad you're not rushing into any decisions. Being impulsive can be worse than doing nothing at all. I hope you can start with the emails and try to stay calm until you know there's a plan in place. You're young, you have no money, and rushing out the door to cause a scene isn't always smart. I know you're aware of that and you're doing the best you can. We're all here if and when you need us.

I'm not surprised that the court knows about the broken restraining order. Court orders aren't worth the paper they're written on. I don't have much faith in the court OR police when it comes right down to it. That's why it's so important to have a plan in place and fend for yourself, when and if you're able. It's an arduous journey but a lot of people will support you once it's said and done.

Big hugs. I know you'll do the right thing.

Thank you so much for your advice, by the way. It's very helpful as I haven't had any idea how to get out of here or how to get the help to. I'll also certainly make sure that I have a plan in place before I try anything.

You might be able to get a copy of your birth certificate through your "bureau of vital statistics." It would cost something like $15, though (what it costs in NYC). You would have to get your birth certificate through the county where you were born.

You can get a copy of your Social Security Card through the Social Security website. You would have to know your Social Security Number and be able to prove your identity online.

Thank you, kraftie! I will look into both of those things, and try to get my mom to at least tell me my SS number.