Looking for advice on tone of voice and volume, conversation

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Hey folks,
Just because I like to be clear about things I'm not diagnosed and really don't know if I'm on the spectrum or not.

That out of the way, I'm writing this post here because my research about the spectrum indicates that some of the particular features which plague my life are common to ASD. I'm here for your advice, tips, and strategies, if you'll share them with me, of course.

I have little to no control over my "tone of voice" when I speak in verbal conversation. This often results in people being offended, put off, and most of all, responding in a way that has nothing to do with the literal words I am using to convey meaning. When I first realized this, I tried to explain; for example: "I choose the words I use to construct my sentence based on the meaning of these words in order to pass a specific message along to you." Well, that didn't go very well.

I keep forgetting about it, but I always think I am having a nice conversation, or even a serious conversation, and communication comes to a stop because of "the way I said it." Well, there is no way I said it to me, just, the sentence I choose, like what I'm doing right at this moment as I construct this post. So, I never know what to do. I just want to resolve the conversation as well as possible. I would also like to be able to control the volume of my voice; for example, it happens often that I think I am whispering, but I look up and everyone in a room will be staring at me, or I'll talk at a normal volume and whoever I am talking to will tell me to stop yelling.

So, I have to find some way to move forward. Unfortunately verbal communication is a fact of life. There has got to be some way to improve this. How can I force myself to have what is an "appropriate" tone of voice or way of saying things? Has anyone had any success in this area? Any advice on volume control?
While I have read that these things are possibly related to or common to ASD I do not know for sure, so my apologies if I am asking the wrong crowd.

Thanks very much

I can relate. Is there a voice coach in your area? You could try there.

Voice coaches can help with this? I'll look into that for sure. Thank you for the tip!

I also apparently have issues with volume control and the tone of my voice does not accurately reflect how i feel. I didnt even know I did that. People are always taking me the wrong way lol... I guess I just dont care generally unless its family and they keep that in mind now. I always sound angry I guess.. I know im not angry because I do not feel angry. so.... yeah. As far as volume I start off normal and the volume increases. Its really hard to control because you are so close to the source of the sound. Imagine you are blindfolded right next to a speaker playing music at lvl 8 . Now imagine someone moved the speaker across the room and the volume is at lvl 30.. If someone asked you to differentiate between the 2 you might have some trouble.. I know i would.

Yep that’s how it is, I mean, to be specific, in my head I sound how other people sound but not in reality. Yes sounding angry is often what people tell me. Or sounding like an as*hole. Volume, again, I sound like I have volume control in my head but I don’t in reality. What sucks is that people never adapt to it. I can be having a nice conversation with my wife and she’ll become upset. She has to conciously remember how I sound doesn’t mean anything but tells me it’s difficult because for most people tone of voice and body language carry so much meaning. She says it’s kinda hard to live with me and she’s probably right. She’s also pretty sure I am on the spectrum. I cannot be sure of that because the few people I’ve met who were diagnosed with “mild aspergers” seemed much more severe than I do - i’m normal compared to them.

Anyhow, whether or not i’m really on the spectrum or not doesn’t ultimately matter. Verbal communication is very important to most people. In order to succeed in the workforce I have to figure out a way to cope.